Peer Support: The 16 Essential Elements #12 Equality and Healthy Boundaries

When people explain peer support, they often begin by emphasizing the importance of equality and empathy.

But what does it actually mean to be in an equal relationship?

Being peers does not automatically make a relationship equal. It is not something that can simply be declared with, “We’re peers, so we’re equals.”

Equality is something that emerges when neither person feels pressured and both can be at ease.

For example, it is difficult to feel a sense of equality with someone who constantly tries to assert superiority or dismisses your thoughts. On the other hand, excessive self-deprecation can also make the other person uncomfortable.

What matters most is treating each other with respect while remaining authentic.

Respect is the foundation of valuing another person. Combined with being genuine, it creates a natural sense of equality.

In Japanese, there is an expression that literally means “to hold someone in high regard.”
This carries a sense of admiration, but also of showing respect — and respect, in this sense, includes maintaining an appropriate distance from one another.

Listening with care, showing compassion, and valuing each other—while maintaining a healthy distance—is an essential part of peer support.

Healthy boundaries are a fundamental part of peer support. Finding the right balance is essential. Being too close can be just as problematic as being too distant.

Perhaps the ideal is to be close enough to care, but not so close that either person loses themselves.

Keeping your promises also matters.

Being someone others can feel safe with matters just as much.

If you fail to keep a promise, offering a sincere apology is important.

These are all ways of showing that you value the other person.

Sometimes, two peers become life partners. When that happens, the relationship naturally changes from a peer relationship into a partnership. While both may continue to support one another, that relationship is no longer exactly the same as peer support.

Within peer relationships, conversations often become deeply personal. People may share painful experiences and reveal deeply personal aspects of their lives.

Because of this, emotional closeness can develop easily.

In a sense, equality itself makes closeness easier.

That is precisely why we need to be mindful of dependence, over-involvement, and emotional over-identification.

When this happens, one person can become overly involved in the other’s life, gradually undermining that person’s autonomy.

Empathy is different.

With empathy, each person remains grounded in themselves while understanding the other’s experience.

Emotional over-identification, however, means becoming so absorbed in another person’s emotions that you begin to experience them as your own. You may find yourself feeling excessive sadness or anger over situations that are not actually yours.

Peer support is built upon respecting each person’s autonomy.

There are certainly times when someone needs more help. But that help does not always have to come through peer support.

Sometimes professional support is the most appropriate response.

It is also important to be aware of becoming overly dependent on someone—or having someone become overly dependent on you.

To prevent relationships from becoming unhealthy or leading both people into exhaustion, peer support emphasizes the importance of boundaries.

Each person has their own personal space, and respecting that space means not stepping too far into areas that belong to someone else.

Boundaries show up in several areas of life:

• Financial boundaries: avoiding lending, borrowing, or investment between peers.
  

• Sexual boundaries: never pressuring someone into sexual activity or exploiting the relationship for sexual purposes.

• Religious boundaries: not recruiting others or imposing personal beliefs.

• Political boundaries: avoiding partisan influence or election campaigning.

• Emotional boundaries: avoiding emotional entanglement, over-involvement, or obsessive responsibility.

• Physical boundaries: not relying excessively on one another to the point of exhaustion.

• Responsibility boundaries: not carrying responsibilities that belong to someone else.

• Time boundaries: respecting the difference between personal life and peer support activities.

Every person has their own history, circumstances, and daily life.

Those things should never be threatened.

Nor should anyone feel they must sacrifice themselves for another.

Maintaining these boundaries is not always easy, but it is one of the most important aspects of peer support.

It is one of the foundations that allows everyone to feel safe.

Protecting each other’s autonomy while sharing a space where both people can simply feel safe to be themselves—

Perhaps peer support is, above all, proof that people can coexist.