The Sad Monster Era When I Didn't Know How to Love
We persuaded her mother and started living together somewhat forcefully,
but she looks back on that time as
a 'half-year of hell'.
After we started living together, I didn't want to be away from her for even a moment, so if she stayed overnight at her parents' house, I would say,
'I'm lonely. Why are you going home?
Are you okay being away from me?'
'If you're okay with it, that means you don't love me.'
And if she tried to be considerate and said she was lonely,
'You don't look lonely. You're just being made to say that.'
I had become a monster who had completely lost
emotional balance.
Because I had pursued her so aggressively and forced us to
start living together, I couldn't help but feel that the love I felt for her
and the love she expressed in words were of completely different
qualities.
I would like to briefly introduce some of the foolish questions I posed to her back then.
'Which is greater: your feelings for your ex-partner when you thought you loved them the most, or your feelings for me right now?'
'It's been about 10 minutes since you got home and you haven't kissed me yet. Are you really okay with that?'
'Why are you sleeping with your back to me? You don't love me.'
To her, it was terrifying.
However, it was the first time I had ever been unable to control my feelings like this.
She was also the first person I was afraid of being hated by.
I wanted her to show me love equal to my own.
Unable to keep up with my own emotions, I would often find fault with her and cry.
For her, since we were already living together, breaking up would take a lot of energy.
She decided to endure it for half a year, and if things didn't settle down by then, she would break up with me.
That was the half-year of hell she endured.
Thanks to her big heart, as she answered each of my foolish questions sincerely, I was able to regain my emotional balance, feel satisfied,
and return from a monster to a human being.
It has been a little over three years since I started dating her.
I have learned that love is not just about telling someone.
