I want to stop being hurt when my feelings are denied—What really matters is not 'toughening up your mentality'

"Are you really hurt by something like that?"

"Aren't you overthinking it?"

"You should just ignore it."

Have you ever been told things like that?

Perhaps you felt more pain afterward than you did in that very moment.

"Am I strange?"
"Am I weak for being hurt by something like this?"

I think that sometimes, we end up denying our own feelings in that way.

This is what I think.

People are perhaps more deeply hurt when their feelings are denied than by the event itself.


◼️There is no right or wrong in feelings

Even with the same event, some people are fine while others are hurt.

A casual remark to one person can become an unforgettable wound to another.

That is not because that person is weak.

It is because the lives they have led, their experiences, and the values they hold dear are all different.

That is why I believe there is no such thing as "correct" or "incorrect" when it comes to feelings.

If you feel it is painful, then it is truly painful for you.

If you feel sad, then it is truly sad for you.

That is all there is to it.


◼️Before you try hard to "toughen up your mentality"

When painful experiences continue, many people think like this:

"I have to make my mentality stronger."

Of course, I think that feeling is natural.

But does the heart really grow by trying hard to "become strong"?

I feel it is a little different.

What is important is the order.

Instead of aiming for a strong heart right away, first have an environment where your feelings are not denied.

Have at least one person with whom you can speak your true feelings with peace of mind.

I believe that becomes the foundation for nurturing the heart.


◼️The sense of security in having your feelings accepted as they are

In a place where you feel secure, when someone says,

"It's painful."

they are accepted with,

"I see that you are feeling pain."

If you say, "I'm sad,"

you are acknowledged just as you are with, "I see that you are feeling sad."

There is no evaluation like "Because of something like that?" and no judgment like "You're overthinking it."

Instead of deciding what is good or bad, you acknowledge that "the feeling is simply there."

I believe that accumulating these moments leads to a sense of security that "it is okay to be just as I am."

◼️



Treating yourself in the same way


And when you become able to direct this way of relating toward yourself, your heart will change little by little."I see that I am feeling pain right now.""I see that I am feeling sad right now."

Try looking at your own feelings without denying them in that way.

You don't have to force yourself to be positive.

You don't have to try hard to "try not to care."

I think it is enough to just acknowledge, "This is how I am feeling right now."

It is a sensation like viewing your feelings from a little distance, rather than trying to chase them away.

◼️



Feelings exist. But you do not become the feelings themselves


Strangely enough, when you become able to acknowledge your own feelings, you become less likely to be swallowed by them.Sadness exists.Anxiety exists.

Loneliness exists.

But you will become less likely to turn into the sadness or anxiety itself.

"Ah, I am feeling anxious right now."

You become able to see things from a slightly higher perspective like that.

Then, even if someone says something heartless to you, your heart will not be shaken as much as before.

Of course, there are times when you will be hurt.

But that hurt will become less likely to lead to self-denial, such as "I am no good."

◼️



Strength of heart grows from a place where you feel secure


That is why I believe the most important thing for strengthening the heart is neither grit nor technique.First, have an environment where you feel secure.Next, acknowledge your feelings as they are without denying them.

I believe that beyond the accumulation of these things, a heart that does not waver will grow little by little.

The heart is not something you force to be strong.

It is something that grows little by little in a place where you feel secure.

And what grows last is not "a person who is fine no matter what is said to them," but "a person who, at the very least, can believe in what they themselves feel."

When that way of being is established, strength of heart naturally follows.

If your heart is wavering because of someone's words right now, it is okay not to force yourself to be strong.

First, please stay near someone who does not deny your feelings.

And please gently say this to yourself as well:

"I see that I am feeling that way right now."

From that one phrase, I believe the heart will regain its sense of security little by little and become strong in the true sense of the word.