I want to see people, I want to see them every week
Hello, this is Simik (@simik_gay).
This time, I'd like to talk about why I've started wanting to see people more.
To make life better, you need to avoid loneliness
I've recently been re-reading a book called THE GOOD LIFE.
The authors are the two current directors of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has been going on for over 80 years. With the theme of "what makes a life better," they look back on the lives of the study's participants and point out many things we should do to improve our own lives by applying the insights gained from the research.
It was very helpful for thinking about priorities in my future life. I hope you all read it too. (This is not an affiliate link)
What is mentioned in this book is "how bad (unwanted) loneliness is for the body."
Since humans have always been animals that live in groups, it seems we are not suited for loneliness. It is known that being lonely has negative effects on both the mind and body, and the economic loss to society due to an increase in lonely people also seems to be significant.
Taking this seriously, the UK established a Minister for Loneliness in 2018 and has been implementing measures to deal with the problem of loneliness. Although it seems that the post by that name no longer exists as it has been integrated, I believe that if the seriousness of the problem is recognized in Japan, progress will be made in addressing it as well.
Re-examine your relationships for a better life
Now, in this book, terms like "social fitness" (the health of your relationships) and "social universe" (a map of your relationships) appear.
It seems that this social fitness is quite difficult to notice on your own. It has become clear that many people are convinced they are getting along well with those around them, while in reality, they hardly understand "how isolated they actually are."
Therefore, the social universe (a map of your relationships) is introduced as a tool to visualize social fitness.
In the social universe, you list several people who are important to you, organize your relationships with them, and make the quality and quantity of your communication with them visible. Then, you think about what you want to do with that moving forward.
Please check the book for more details, specific procedures, and other helpful information.
Pay money, time, and attention for good relationships
The most important thing for making life better is maintaining good relationships. In fact, many of the people who were interviewed for the Harvard Study of Adult Development said that their biggest regret in their later years was that they wished they had spent more time connecting with people.
And, to maintain good relationships, you cannot just "leave them alone." The authors' advice is that to maintain good relationships and escape loneliness, you should pay more money, time, and attention to your relationships.
Spend money within a reasonable range for yourself
Money is just one of the means to live a good life.
No matter how important relationships are, I think you will definitely be unhappy if you spend so much money on them that you can't afford your living expenses. However, it is counterproductive if you prioritize asset building too much and end up neglecting your relationships and becoming unhappy.
You have to find the right balance.
For now, I would like to practice the 0.01% rule, referring to a book I read recently called WEALTH LADDER. The 0.01% rule is the rule that if you spend 0.01% of your assets in a day, it will have almost no impact on your assets, and since the time spent worrying is more wasteful, you should just spend it without hesitation.
For example, even if you increase your drinking parties to once a week at 7,000 yen, that's only 1,000 yen per day. I've come to think that if you have assets of 10 million yen or more, this is not something you should worry about.
Let's use the time we spend on our smartphones to build real-life relationships
Time is also touched upon in THE GOOD LIFE.
Considering the current situation where the time we spend on our smartphones, watching YouTube, looking things up online, and playing games every day is increasing significantly, the time we spend meeting and talking to people is negligible.
I felt that instead of just fiddling with my smartphone and wasting time, I should think about and adjust how I spend my time so that I can use it for things that are considered effective for living a better life.
I used to go out to eat with 30 people a year, but that's not enough
Re-reading this book, I decided that I want to meet my friends more actively.
As for the current situation, since 2023, I have had an annual goal of "going out to eat with 30 people," and I have been able to achieve this every year. However, I only set a goal for the number of people, and I haven't decided anything about the total number of times or frequency. In extreme terms, if you assume you meet two people at a time on average, you can achieve it in 15 times a year, and you could also concentrate them during the year-end/New Year holidays and Obon.
In reality, I am currently going out for drinks with the intention of confirming at least once a year that the relationship is still ongoing. So, the total number of times I went out to eat in a year is about 20 to 30 times.
But, thinking about it this time, I've come to think that this is not enough. While the coverage of the "range" of how many people I go out to eat with is important, the number of times throughout the year is not enough.
Meeting people not only leads to a better life, but also to better days
As a big goal, there is "building and maintaining good relationships, escaping loneliness, and living a better life."
To achieve that, you need to pay money, time, and attention on a daily basis and keep "meeting people." I often tend to assume that repeating things to achieve a big goal is "effort" and that it is painful in itself, but "meeting people" actually contributes to realizing a fun daily life.
For example, over the past month or two, I've had more opportunities than usual to go out for meals due to farewell parties and year-end parties.
I really look forward to the weeks when I have plans to eat with friends, and it makes my life feel more vibrant than usual. Also, when I actually meet up with friends, it really is a lot of fun.
There were so many positive emotions: seeing the lively expressions of the people I'm talking to, having my own stories listened to and empathized with, feeling happy to know that a friend is paying attention when I realize they remember something I said before, and enjoying delicious food together.
I felt once again that 'going out to eat with friends' not only makes life better in the long run, but also provides a rich, valuable experience in the short term.
If you summon the courage to reach out, something happy might be waiting for you
However, it takes quite a bit of courage to invite a friend you haven't seen in a while out for a drink.
I sometimes think negatively, wondering if everyone is too busy or feeling bad about making them spend their time and money on me.
I think that 'paying attention' also includes those aspects.
Actually, recently I was thinking that since the year-end and New Year holidays were approaching, I wanted to invite some gay friends I hadn't seen in about a year out for a meal. But I couldn't find the courage to ask, and time just kept slipping by.
But when I finally summoned the courage to send a message asking, 'Would you like to go out for a drink during the holidays?', multiple people replied with 'Let's go!' within five minutes, even though it was 3:00 PM on a weekday. I was so happy. It reminded me that it's not good to overthink things too much.
Friends have their own schedules, and I won't always get a 'yes,' but as long as I can get one, I want to reach out more proactively so that I can see them regularly.
Depending on how busy my friends are, I want to be more proactive in reaching out, such as inviting people I thought I only needed to see once a year to go out for a drink twice a year.
Goals for next year to maintain good relationships
As a concrete goal, to improve my quality of life, I want to make plans and try to go out to eat with someone at least once a week. My goals for next year are:
Eat meals with more than 30 people, including family, friends, and colleagues
Eat meals with family, friends, colleagues, etc., at least once a week on average, for a total of 52 times or more per year
How often do you go out to eat with your family, friends, or colleagues? Please let me know if you have any other things you do to maintain good relationships.