[Column Vol. 13] The Middle-Aged Fan Who Gets Depressed and the Sense of Distance in Fandom

When you're involved in fandom,
you occasionally see a "depressed middle-aged man."

They aren't getting enough attention from their favorite idol.
They haven't been able to meet them lately.
It looks like other fans are having better experiences at events.
People who started following later than them seem closer to the idol.

Seeing things like that,
they get depressed on their own,
they get hurt on their own,
and they post about being depressed on social media on their own.

Let me say this first:
I don't want to deny the act of feeling depressed itself.

Since we are human,
emotions can get turbulent.
There are days when you feel lonely.
There are days when you wonder,
if you are no longer needed.

However,
when a grown adult does this
in a place visible to both the idol and other fans,
it's honestly quite tough to watch.

Young people
sometimes struggle with genuine, age-appropriate feelings.

Whether it's in romance,
work,
human relationships,
or fandom,
emotions can waver when you can't process them.

In those moments,
middle-aged people are supposed to be the ones
"You're still young,"
saying things like that while
listening from a slight distance,
or offering light advice if necessary.

At the very least,
they shouldn't be the ones being worried about by young people.

Much less,
towards an idol who is not even half their age,
giving off the vibe of
"I am hurt,"
"Please pay more attention to me,"
"My mood is determined by your reaction,"
is quite dangerous.

It's not about being great just because you've aged.
However,

if you have aged,
you should at least think a little bit
about where you place your emotions.

The danger of relationships that seem close

Idol scenes have a sense of proximity.

There are special events.
There are cheki (instant photos).
Sometimes they remember your name.
Sometimes they see your replies.
You get reactions like "likes."

"Long time no see."
"Thanks for coming."
"Come again."
You get to hear those words directly.

This is a huge appeal of fandom.
At the same time,
it is also a very dangerous part.

You visit many times.
You spend money.
You spend time.
Your daily schedule
starts to revolve around the idol's schedule.

When that happens,
before you know it, a feeling grows inside you:
"I must be a little special."
The problem is,

from the idol's perspective,
you are not the only fan.
Besides you,

there are others who visit.
There are people spending money.
There are people spending time.
There are people who want to think they are special.
Furthermore,

there are people who visit more than you,
spend more money than you,
and spend more time than you.
Once you start looking at that, there is no end to it.

You live far away and can't meet them.

You can't take time off.
You can't keep spending money.
You can't move due to family or work circumstances.
Of course, those circumstances exist.

Or rather,

most people have some kind of circumstances.
People who can engage in fandom without any obstacles,

with complete freedom of time, money, and distance,
are actually quite rare.
Even so, most people

find a balance within their own lives.
They go on days they can.

They spend within their means.
They give up on days they can't.
Even the time they can't meet,
they handle it themselves.
They are participating in fandom with those conditions included.

And yet,

they get depressed seeing people who can visit more,
people who can talk more,
people who seem closer.
They direct the cause of that

toward the idol's reactions or the existence of other fans.
It's a very cold way to put it, but

before you make the idol carry the burden of your life conditions,
I end up thinking, please engage in fandom in a way that suits you.
Having circumstances is not the problem.
The problem is

not processing those circumstances yourself,
bringing them into the relationship with the idol or other fans,
and displaying them as depression in a public space.
That is an expression of pain, but at the same time,
it also shows a lack of

processing ability as an adult.

Comparison destroys the need for approval

Many of the middle-aged men who get depressed
break down more from comparisons with other fans than from the idol themselves.
That person has a bigger smile.

That person has a closer distance in cheki photos.
That person gets more reactions to their replies.
That person seems to be remembered more.
Every time, they take the sight of others having fun

as proof that they are not being valued.
This is quite dangerous.
The fact that others are having a good event experience

is not proof that you have been rejected.

The fact that others got a response
is not proof that you have been abandoned.

The fact that others' cheki photos are good
does not mean your cheki photos lost.

However, if you concentrate your need for approval too much on the idol,
you become unable to separate those things.

Seeing others' happiness,
you confirm your own lack.

Seeing others' closeness,
you measure your own distance.
That is where the depression begins.
I think fandom is originally about watching the idol.

But people who start getting depressed begin to look at other fans, not the idol.

Who is being paid attention to?

Who is close?
Who is getting a good look?

Who is being reacted to?
The moment the gaze of fandom
turns toward comparison instead of the idol,
it becomes a very exhausting hobby.

Investing too much in the idol

Watching middle-aged men who get depressed at a good age,
I sometimes think:

Has this person
invested too much in the idol?

Of course, you can be saved by an idol.

You get energy from a live concert.
A single word at an event can get you through the week.
A social media post can make your feelings a little lighter.
Those things are truly real.

However, if the idol goes beyond the center of your life
and becomes the very standard for your emotions,
it is quite dangerous.

You are not fulfilled at work.
You are not fulfilled at home.
Your friendships are thin.
You are far from romance or marriage.
In your daily life,
there are few places that affirm you.

In that state,
if you concentrate your approval on the reactions from the idol,
each and every event becomes heavy.

You get depressed just because a like didn't come back.
You get depressed just because your name wasn't called.
You get depressed just because the expression in a cheki photo was faint.
You get depressed just because other fans look like they are having fun.

The need for approval that should have been dispersed throughout your life
concentrates on one idol.

This is quite dangerous.
It's not about being bad because you are single.

However,
I do think that the fewer places you have to receive emotions other than the idol,
the easier it is to waver within fandom.
More than whether you live with someone,

it's whether you have a place to entrust your emotions
other than the idol.
That is significant.
Fandom is not bad.

The problem is entrusting your emotional regulation
excessively to the idol's reactions.
When you go to the venue in that state,

you gradually stop knowing whether you are going to watch a live concert
or going to confirm if you are still needed.
And then, you get depressed when you can't confirm it.
That is closer to an inspection of approval
than it is to fandom.

It looks like you are going to meet the idol,

but in reality, you are going to confirm if your value
still remains.

If that is what is happening, it is quite dangerous.
The idol is not a counter
that reissues your self-esteem every time.

Placing your depression in a visible place

It is okay to get depressed.
Because you like them, you may waver.
I understand up to that point.

The problem is
doing it in a place where the idol can see it.

"Maybe I'm done."
"It seems I'm not needed."
"Other people look like they are having more fun."
"I feel a distance lately."
"Maybe I shouldn't go to meet them anymore."

These posts look like mere monologues at first glance.
But if you are writing them in a place where the idol can see,
they are not monologues.

It is depression meant to be read.

I want you to notice.
I want you to worry.
I want you to stop me.
I want you to confirm my existence.

It looks like those expectations are mixed in.
This is quite heavy.

From the perspective of other fans,
the middle-aged man posting depressed tweets
might just look like a troublesome middle-aged man.

They're depressed again.
How annoying.
The sense of distance is heavy.

That's how it looks.

However, from the idol's perspective,
that person is still one of the important people
who supports them.

Someone who came to the live concert.
Someone who took a cheki photo.
Someone who gave them words.
Someone who used their time and money
to come and meet them.

That is precisely why,
when someone gets depressed in a visible place,
the idol side cannot easily ignore it.

They might get worried.
They might wonder if their own response was bad.
They might think about how to treat them
the next time they meet.

Even if they intended to treat them the same as other fans,
if it looked like only that person was hurt,
they might unconsciously make them feel like they have to be careful.

That is no longer support, but a burden.

Moreover, the other person might be
a child not even half their age.

If you are a proper adult,
you should think that far.

Do not process your loneliness
in a way that makes a young idol worry.

Do not place your anxiety
in a place that looks like the idol's responsibility.

Do not try to make the other person recover
the emotions you weren't satisfied with.

If you want someone to listen,
there are originally options other than the idol.

Talk to a friend.
Write it in a notebook.
Vent in a private account.
If that still doesn't work, consult a professional.

The destination for processing emotions
is not just social media where the idol can see.

Even so, if you place it there every time,
to put it a bit harshly,
it becomes a question of whether that person has no friends to listen,
whether they don't have a way to process it themselves,
or whether they are only expecting the idol to pick it up.
Whichever it is, it is quite severe as an adult.

The idol

is not opening their social media to receive your unprocessed emotions.

Finally

It is not shameful to get depressed.

It is shameful to place that depression
in a place where the idol can see,
make them worry,
make them be careful,
and try to make them recover it.

That is not sensitivity.
It is not deep love.
It is not support.

It is okay to get depressed.
Because you like them, you may waver.
I understand up to that point.

However, when you get depressed in a place where the idol can see,
that depression is no longer just your own.

You make the idol worry.
You make them be careful.
You make them think about their next response.
Even though it is your own emotion, you make it the other person's burden.

Investing in an idol is not a bad thing.

But making the idol carry the responsibility
for your emotions is wrong.

I won't say don't get depressed at a good age.
Because we are human, there are times when we get depressed.

However, if you are at a good age,
you should think a little about how you get depressed.

Take your own emotions home yourself.

If you are a grown adult,
I would like you to be able to do at least that much.