The Perfectly Understanding Couple

A few months ago, I was feeling desperate.
A sense of helplessness, a sense of emptiness.
The feeling that no matter how much I tried or acted, everything was spinning in vain.
I shouldn't be here.
But I couldn't go anywhere.
My vision was blurred, and I couldn't move forward well. Even so, I was filled with nothing but impatience, seeking change.

I am 30 years old.
I met my husband 11 years ago. Nine years had passed since we got married.

Where did I go wrong?
I thought that a married couple was supposed to understand each other 100%.

Going back over a dozen years, I had my first boyfriend when I wasn't able to build a good relationship of trust with my family.
At that time,I thought, 'I've finally found someone who accepts everything about me.'I thought.
Someone I could throw my 100% at. An absolute being. Someone who would accept me.

That was the mistake from the very beginning, though.

Later, we got married.
My husband and I would fight sometimes.

Depending on each other, clashing, talking things out, and rebuilding.
I was happy with that repetition.
The process of exposing our inner selves and understanding each other.
I thought that was the very meaning of being a married couple. I was convinced that the deeper our understanding became, the closer we would get, and a place of lifelong peace would be completed.

Our fights usually started with dissatisfaction toward each other. We would talk it over and find a compromise. We were doing that kind of work.
Perhaps it was around the time we had been doing that for about five years that I suddenly started to feel a sense of discomfort.

Lately, for some reason, no matter how much we talk, we can't find a solution.

I don't know what kind of solution to take for the problems (dissatisfaction).
And it just became a fight where we only threw our irritation at each other.
There was no progress or sense of accomplishment.
Only the feeling of having hurt each other remained, a guilty, unpleasant aftertaste.

Why did it become like that?

Previously, I would throw demands at my husband, such as 'I want you to help with the housework' or 'I don't want you to just look at your phone.' And we would resolve it by having loose agreements like, 'Okay, I'll do this from now on.'
However, what I was seeking from my husband was somewhere else.

What I really wanted to convey was the feeling of 'I'm lonely' and 'I want you to cherish me more.'

I was just lonely, unable to feel his love.
I wanted him to show me love in a way I could understand. Through words, through actions. I didn't need money or presents. I just wanted him to look at me. That was all.
I suppose I had begun to vaguely realize those feelings.

However, at the time, I couldn't even understand it well myself, and only the feelings of 'it's meaningless no matter what I ask for,' 'nothing changes,' and 'somehow dissatisfied' remained.
And it just became nothing but fruitless fights.

Several years passed in that state.
And a few months ago, my sense of emptiness reached its peak.

I was just lonely, so I asked my husband to talk. Exchanging words and understanding each other's emotions was also my way of confirming his love.
However, my husband stopped responding much. I suppose he felt that conversations with a gloomy atmosphere were mentally draining and wouldn't lead to good results.

The more I sought to talk things through, the more my husband ran away.

I found myself feeling less and less affection for him because of that attitude.
A willingness to understand each other is how a married couple should be, so why abandon that?
Without that, what is the point of being married?
I truly didn't understand. I couldn't see anything of the future anymore.

It was then that someone suddenly asked me, "Why do you want to understand each other so much?"

...

When I thought about it again, what I had been seeking was an image of the two of us becoming one. The feeling of understanding each other, accepting everything, melting together from our fingertips, blending, our brains merging, and becoming a new creature. (That's scary, isn't it?)

"Why do you want to understand each other so much?"

The words that were dropped so casually slowly spread within my heart.

Isn't it natural for couples, for lovers, to want to understand each other?
Isn't that just how it's supposed to be?
...Could it be that I am demanding too much understanding?

Ah, I see.
Being a married couple didn't mean understanding each other 100%.
To understand 100%, I had to "deny" the parts I couldn't understand. That's why it was so painful.

It is okay to have parts of your partner that you "cannot understand." There is no need to force them to align. At the same time, there is no need to have all of yourself accepted either.
That was the moment I truly understood that for the first time.

I used to long for the sight of two people trusting each other completely.
Like an absolute territory. Safe and secure. Like a lifetime guarantee.
It was something I craved so much it brought me to tears.
I thought that to obtain it, we needed to clash, talk things out, and become one.
But that wasn't it at all.

There is someone sitting in front of me.
Parts of them that I cannot understand are there, too.
I just think, 'They're there.' That was all.
There was no need to talk things out to find a compromise or force them into myself.

It was only recently that I realized such a thing.
I suppose I've finally started to understand what human relationships are. Finally.
I still make mistakes, I hurt people a lot, and I keep searching for the right answer. I don't even know how to give love.
Even so, I have finally learned how to fall.
Until now, I couldn't even fall. I couldn't walk well, but I couldn't even fall, so I lived my life stumbling along.
From now on, I will fall, get back up, and finally learn how to walk. Just like a baby.

<In closing>
To everyone who has been involved in my life up to this point,
thank you for the many realizations and for your kindness.