I have lived for 30 years thinking, 'I'm not good enough anyway.' ☂️|【Attachment Disorder】【Experience Edition🍀】

Every time I liked someone,
Something in my heart would stir.

The more I liked them,
the more I felt myself shrinking inside.

That was always me when I was in love.
Every time I was about to speak my true feelings, I swallowed them.

“Will they think I’m too much?”
“Will they trade me for someone cuter?”

I thought that if I just forced myself to smile,
if I just stayed cheerful,
they would stay by my side.
So, I kept erasing myself.

It wasn't just in love.
At work, too, I swallowed everything I wanted to say.
The anger, the exhaustion, the breaking point.
“I don’t want to ruin the mood”
“I don’t want to be a burden”
That’s how I kept smiling all the time.

As a result, I fell into depression.
I quit my job. I only realized it after I reached my limit and broke down.

And the final blow was
a word from my ex-boyfriend while he was cheating.
“I want you to understand my feelings”

Thinking about it now, that was just him being arrogant while ignoring the fact that he was the one cheating,

but for me, who had killed my own feelings
and kept adjusting to others,
those words pierced me deeply.

Even though I had been disappearing for someone else’s sake all along,
I was invisible to everyone.
I had completely lost sight of myself.

After losing everything, I finally realized.
What I lost to wasn't looks or personality.

I was the one who had called the game over for myself.

【The reason why polishing my appearance didn't change anything】

Back then, I
was desperate to change my appearance.

I thought if I lost weight, I could change.

If I became cute,
I thought I would be loved.

I watched makeup videos for hours,
looked up trendy clothes,
and tried to become“the one who gets chosen”even a little bit.

But,
no matter how much I changed the outside,
something deep inside my heart
never changed.

That feeling
never went away.

Now,
I understand the reason a little.

Even though I was trying to change the outside,
deep inside,

“I’m not good enough anyway”

was what I kept thinking.

In psychology,
this is apparently called“Self-Concept Consistency.”People

keep repeating a reality that matches

“the image of themselves”that they hold unconsciously.

When you fall in love while thinking that way,
that anxiety
seeps into your attitude and words..


And the other person
senses that vibe
before your words.

In fact,
every time I was in a relationship,

“So I won’t be hated”

was all I thought about.

I couldn't say my true feelings.

I hid my anxiety,
and pretended to be fine.

I adjusted to them,
and acted like the person they would like.

But,
no matter how hard I tried,
deep in my heart, I was always

“This person might also
leave me someday”

terrified of that.

That’s why I think I kept repeating
“relationships just to not be abandoned”instead of

“relationships where I am loved.”

【What the people who get chosen had】

After a breakup and depression,
there was a period where I thought about many things alone.

As I observed, I started to see things.
The people who get chosen aren't exceptionally cute.
But they were naturally able to do three things.

The first is having an air of "being easy to be with." Don't try too hard. Don't strain yourself to be liked.
An atmosphere that makes people feel at ease just by being there.
People return to places where they feel safe.
This wasn't about looks, but about

whether you yourself are stable or not.

The second is not denying the other person's values.
How they approach work, how they spend their time, talk about the future.
"I see, so that's one way of thinking about it"—when you can accept things naturally like that,
the other person will open their heart to you.

The third is being equals.
This was the hardest one for me.
When I fall in love, I inevitably put myself in a lower position.
"I don't want to be disliked" comes first,
so I hide my true feelings and smile along with them.
But that isn't being equals;
it was just erasing myself.

【It's not your fault that you aren't "chosen"】

Reading this far,
"Then what was wrong with me?"
some people might have thought.

That's not it.
It wasn't that there was something wrong with you.
It's just that no one ever taught you.

"To be liked, I have to be cute"
—I grew up believing that.
But that was only half true.

When people are attracted to someone,
their brain judges
"Is it safe to be with this person?" before looking at appearance.
This has been proven by neuroscience as well.
People naturally gravitate toward someone whose amygdala has judged them as "safe".

Polishing your exterior isn't bad.

But there was something that should have been taken care of before that.

After I became depressed,
this was what I spent the most time reclaiming.

【It was me who had given up】

Looking back on my 8-year relationship,
I had, many times, completely

"given up 'in advance'".

Before I could get hurt,
I distanced myself.

It was the same when my ex-boyfriend
cheated on me with a younger girl.

"No matter how hard I try, I'm just not good enough anyway"

—that's how,
before I could try to change,
I had already given up on myself.

And,
with the new guy I met,
it was the same.

"A woman over 30, with a disability, and no career to boot—I'm just a fling to him, right..."

Even though he was taking me seriously,
somewhere in my heart I was always thinking,

"I'll be dumped eventually anyway"

.

That's why,
every time I was about to be truly loved,
I prepared a
"cushion (excuse)" for when I got hurt.

So I wouldn't expect too much.

So I wouldn't believe too much.

So that even if I got hurt, the damage would be minimal.

But,
no matter how many precautions I took,
deep in my heart I was always thinking,

"I really want to be loved"
.


I wanted to feel safe.

I wanted to be cherished.

"It's okay now"
—I wanted someone to hold me and say that.
Yet, before I could be loved,


I had closed off that possibility myself.

That's how I lived,
in a future that hadn't even happened yet,


"I was hurting myself first."


In truth,
before anyone else could reject me,

I think I was the one who
couldn't believe in myself the most.


That's why,
I doubted even when I was loved.

I was scared even when I was cherished.

The closer I got to being happy,
the "future of losing it" was all I could imagine.


But now, I understand a little.


The reason my relationships didn't work out
wasn't "because I had no value." It was because I had been



"assuming I wouldn't be loved" the whole time I was in those relationships.

What was missing
wasn't my looks, my youth, or my specs.


"It's okay for me to be chosen"


— it was
giving myself permission to think that way.


I think I had given up on myself
long before anyone else could love me.

After losing everything,
I finally realized that.

That's why, right now,
I am writing this.

Because I don't want people who are dating while giving up on themselves,
thinking



"I'm not worth it anyway" like I used to,

to go through the same long detour.

Your "I'm not worth it anyway" is
not a fact.
It is nothing more than an old program
created by past pain.

Programs can be rewritten.
Starting from today, when you realized it.

You had a reason to be chosen
from the very beginning.

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#Addiction #SingleMother #Parenting #Sensitive
#Obsession #EndOfAn8YearLove #Mental
#MentalCare #Anxiety #AnxietyDisorder #SelfImprovement
#AdultChildren #Abuse #Anxiety
#EatingDisorder #HSP #Cheating #Betrayal #Confidence
#SelfUnderstanding #LovePsychology #PsychologicalStructure