If you want to manage caregiving well, keep your distance from your parents

I think there are many people who believe that "caring for parents is something you do by being close to them and looking after them yourself."

I was like that until a little while ago, too.
▶ Family matters should be handled by family
▶ As long as I can handle it myself, I shouldn't rely on others

I suspect many people think that way.

But in reality, it is different.

What is truly important in caregiving is "keeping your distance from your parents."
It is more important than anything else to enlist the help of caregiving professionals so that you can keep your distance from your parents.

You might think, "That can't be right! Caregiving is something you do with your own hands! That is filial piety!"

But think about it.

If you were to provide care while staying close to your parents all the time,
▶ You would be under considerable stress
▶ You would come to resent caregiving
▶ You would end up treating your parents harshly
▶ Caregiving would stop going well
I think it is easy to imagine that such anegative cycle would occur.

When I first started caregiving, I tried my best to stay as close to my parents as possible and do the caregiving myself.

For the first few days, it went well.
My parents were grateful, and I felt like I was being useful to them.

But it didn't last long.
Witnessing my parents' aging and constantly seeing them unable to do things they used to do as a matter of course was more painful than I had imagined.

It is impossible for your parents to act exactly as you want them to.
Just as you have things you "want to do," your parents have things they "want to do."
Even if it is not rational behavior, it should be respected as such.

But when you are close by, you inevitably worry about it.
I began to feel stressed by my parents' behavior, which didn't align with my own values, and I became unable to hold back.

Then,one day, I realized I was raising my voice at my parents.

I couldn't stand it when my parents would mess up the house I had worked so hard to clean up.
I couldn't stand it when my parents would secretly buy snacks even though I had arranged for meal delivery services for their health.

Little by little, my relationship with my parents deteriorated, and the caregiving stopped going well.

Ultimately, what is important is "keeping your distance from your parents."

Caregiving is a long-term battle.

By keeping a moderate distance from your parents, you can build a good, trusting relationship.
And try not to let yourself get exhausted as much as possible.

That is the secret to making caregiving work well.

How often you should see your parents depends on your relationship with them and your current situation.
Whether it is a few times a year, once a month, or once a week depends on your and your parents' circumstances.

Please assess the situation well and find a moderate distance to keep from your parents.