It is usually on school event days that my child comes into focus 07/14

Introduction

There is a unique kind of frustration when a camera's autofocus struggles.

The subject is right there in the viewfinder. They aren't moving, and they aren't hiding. Yet, the lens keeps searching back and forth, failing to lock onto the focus. If you wait a while, it suddenly snaps into place at just the right moment. Anyone who knows that feeling must think the same thing: Why couldn't it just focus from the start?

It is usually on school event days that my child comes into focus. Even though I see them every day, the moment I see my child at an event, I realize, "Oh, they've started making expressions like that." They were there the whole time; it’s just that they weren't in focus.

The light of daily life is too bright

In the world of photography, if the light is too strong, the outlines of the subject can wash out. The details are lost, and the image looks flat.

Raising children is similar. Being together every day means you are constantly in a state of being "at an extremely close distance, under strong light." Your field of vision narrows. Small changes get washed out. The perception of "business as usual" acts as a filter, making it impossible to perceive the changes happening little by little.

I felt this keenly at the recent school event. When I watched my child talking to other adults and friends from a distance, they had an expression I didn't know at all. They were laughing with a face I had never seen at home. Outside the house, they become a different person.

The child at home and the child outside looked completely different, even though they were the same child.

The trouble with being in focus

Realizations aren't always pleasant.

At the event, there was a moment where I felt how my child sees me. When I tried to explain something, my child said, "But you always say that and then do something else." They said it casually, not even blaming me. But it stung.

What I was saying and what I was doing were out of sync. I think that gap had widened without me noticing in the busyness of life. The gap that was too close to see in daily life became clearly visible when viewed from a distance.

Children are watching closely. Children see things that parents don't. When things come into focus, those things come into view as well. It’s not always just the happy things that you see. Still, I don't feel like it's better not to see them.

Why can't we notice in daily life?

One reason AF struggles is that the distance to the subject is too close. In the macro range, the slightest shake causes a large misalignment. By pulling back a little to shoot, the focus becomes stable.

I think child-rearing has the same structure. Being in the middle of every day, I am almost always in the macro range. I am reacting to every little thing my child says and does, so I don't have the leeway to pull back and see the whole picture. An event provides a distance that forces you to "pull back and look."

Another thing I realized is the strength of the perception of "business as usual." When people see the same person in the same place every day, they stop looking. It enters their eyes, but the brain stops processing it. To notice change, you need to see it in a different context than usual. Events provide that opportunity.

In the case of children, the pace of change is fast. A month ago and now, their use of language and how they interact with friends have changed subtly. Even though I feel like "nothing has changed" when I see them every day, when I pull back and look at an event, I think, "They've changed this much?" That gap surprises me in a fresh way every time.

The meaning of keeping a record

I take photos so that I can look back on them later. Sometimes, I notice things in retrospect that I didn't see at the moment I took the shot.

I believe keeping a written record of these realizations serves the same purpose. Things I cannot see now might become visible when I read this back in a few years. Alternatively, what I write down today might serve as a hint for my future self when I am feeling lost.

Raising three children means each one is at a different stage. What I experienced with my older child appears in a different form when it comes to my younger ones. Past records can sometimes serve as a reference point for how I handle things now. I believe that is the meaning behind continuing to write.

Photos I take will just keep sleeping in a drawer unless I print them. The same goes for these realizations; if I don't write them down, they will sink into the depths of my memory. I wrote this down this time so that I can read it back before the next event.

Learning how to keep my distance

One of the things I am gradually learning as I continue raising children is how to adjust my distance.

If I am too close, I cannot see things. But if I am too far away, I end up missing something else. In terms of a camera, you pull back once to focus, but if you pull back too far, the subject becomes too small. The perfect distance is the one that allows you to capture what you want to capture.

I feel like I am in the middle of searching for this "perfect distance" in parenting as well. It differs depending on their age. It also differs between my older and younger children. Even though there is no single correct answer, I end up having to search for it every time.

Event days are days that force me to "pull back a little." I remember what I saw from that distance and adjust how I keep my distance once I return to daily life. Just doing that changes how I see things in my everyday routine a little bit.

Summary

Autofocus works not because the subject has changed, but when your distance and angle change.Focusing on my children also works not because the children have changed, but when I view them from a distance I have pulled back to.

School events provide that distance for me. I plan to bring my camera to the next event as well. Before I look through the viewfinder, I will first try looking with my naked eye from a bit further back. I feel like it is easier to get the focus right that way.

I look forward to the next installment of my parenting diary.