Even past 50, I can still hear my mother's voice saying, "That's bad manners."

#20250609-539

June 9, 2025 (Mon)
My mother was strict about manners and never allowed me to eat while standing.
Even if it wasn't a small child spilling things, if I tried to snack on something as a middle or high schooler, she would immediately shout, "sit down and eat."
The only time you could eat while standing was maybe at a festival.
Eating while walking was a pipe dream.
Even when eating crepes or soft-serve ice cream at tourist spots, I would find a bench and sit down to eat.

After I started working, I went back to school. There were several years where I balanced work and studies.
Since I was living at home before I got married, looking back now, my meals were served to me and my mother did most of the housework. I should have had more time than I do now, but I felt busy at the time.
Morning and night aside, there were times I would eat while on the move for lunch.
I didn't have time to sit properly at a table with a chair, so I would secretly and quietly stuff bread or rice balls into my mouth while standing on trains or buses.
If I didn't get something in my stomach at mealtime, I wouldn't last and would start feeling unwell.
If I waited until I was too hungry to eat, my stomach would be shocked and start to hurt. Convenient nutritional jellies might satisfy my calorie needs, but they didn't keep me full, so I didn't like them. Anyway, I wanted to eat solid food that felt like a real meal.

I was already in my 30s, but because I was enrolled in school, I felt completely like a student. Even though I wasn't in a uniform, I would devour bread with the attitude of a growing middle or high schooler, looking like I couldn't help being hungry.
It wasn't a train with box seats, but a commuter train with long seats along the windows, so it wasn't without embarrassment.
I could hear my mother's voice in my head.
--Goodness, that is such bad manners!
I apologized in my heart and made myself small on the train.

I thought I would only do this back then!
Recently, I've been biting into bread and rice balls while on the move again.

Noko (my daughter, 6th grade) on days I go to the hair salon and have to be home by the time she gets back from school.
On days when I head to a mobile phone shop after a reading study group, having finally managed to get an appointment.

On the day of my hair salon visit, I secretly ate a croquette bun on the subway.
It was past noon and the train was empty, but the man sitting across from me had his smartphone fixed at eye level, which made me feel uneasy. He looked old enough that it wouldn't be strange for him to have presbyopia, so maybe he just wanted to keep a certain distance to see the screen well, but the smartphone camera was pointed right at me, and I felt like I was being accused of violating etiquette.
Since the hair salon opens late, just before noon, a cut and color would easily take over two hours.
I didn't even have time to sit on a bench at the station platform to eat; I wanted to get home as quickly as possible. I wanted to make it in time for Noko's school dismissal.

I went to the mobile phone shop to cancel the smartphone of my father, who passed away last year.
My mother had finally felt ready to cancel it.
Canceling my father's smartphone requires a death certificate, and I also wanted to review my mother's smartphone plan and change the name on the landline. Since it couldn't be done over the internet, I had to go to the mobile phone shop to handle the procedures. Even trying to make a reservation, it was hard to find a time slot that worked for both my mother and me.
I couldn't afford to miss the slot I finally found.
I didn't want to miss the study group in the morning. There was less than an hour between finishing that and the appointment time.
I ate a plum rice ball on the station bench. The train arrived at the platform immediately, and I ate the mustard green rice ball on the train.

It's not that it's okay to eat on buses or trains if you're young, but seeing a woman over 50 eating on a train that isn't even a leisure train feels like a lack of adult etiquette.
Oh well...
To think that even at this age, I'm eating while on the move.
I want to be an adult who has the composure to sit down and eat properly.
--You're at a good age, and your manners are absolutely terrible.
Even though she isn't here, I felt my mother's gaze as if she were saying, "I didn't raise you to be that kind of child," and I hunched my shoulders like a turtle.
--I'm sorry for being an adult who acts like a child no matter how old I get.
Even I didn't expect this.