[Thought Log x Structuring] Co-parenting with my husband 2: How to protect family peace by discarding the 'perfect correct answer'

Note
This article structurally organizes how the division of roles and bias in information within a household affect decision-making and behavioral patterns. It does not evaluate the goodness or badness of specific individuals or personalities, but rather focuses on the phenomena created by the 'flow of information' and the 'overlap of roles.' Since the scope of application varies depending on the actual home environment and individual circumstances, please read this as a reference for organizing your thoughts and for discussion.


This story is

a continuation of.

Introduction: I had become too much of a field professional
When you stay in the field of childcare and continue to observe the children's behavior every day, you feel as if a 'high-precision optimal solution' has accumulated within you before you know it.
This is not a difference in ability, but a difference in resolution brought about by the 'absolute amount of time spent in the field'.

That is precisely why judgments made from a position with some distance from the childcare scene can sometimes appear completely off the mark.
In the past, I used that 'correctness' as a shield to reject my partner's suggestions, find answers by myself, carry the responsibility by myself, and feel lonely by myself.
And perhaps the other person also feels a sense of distance from the 'field with no room to enter'.


The price of correctness and what a 'snack' taught me
During childcare, small situations where judgments clash happen many times.
For example, the timing of meals while out.
The correct answer within me is 'to have a proper meal before the children get hungry'.
On the other hand, from another perspective, there is also the idea of 'wanting to value the atmosphere and flow of the journey'.

Thinking logically, the former is rational.
However, if you push through with that logical argument, and all that remains is 'correctness' and a 'hostile atmosphere,' is that really the optimal solution?
So, instead of arguing over the superiority of values, I shared only the fact (data) that 'in terms of time, the children are getting closer to being hungry,' left room for the other person to make the judgment, and prepared a safety measure (buffer) called a 'snack' to prevent a fatal error.
From my ideal perspective, that is nothing but a compromise. But thanks to that snack, no one got angry (though I might have had a slightly angry tone), no one cried, and we were able to protect a calmer time than usual.




An advanced strategy of not solving things aloneRecently, I have been trying to stop 'running everything perfectly by myself'.
・On days when I don't feel well, I don't force myself to step forward and instead rest

・In situations where someone else can handle it, I intentionally leave it to them
・I don't provide all the answers first
These are not shortcuts, but a choice for the person in charge of the field to lower the 'resolution of intervention' to create space for other members to think as stakeholders and move the patterns of problem-solving.

Delaying the answer by one beat.

This is advanced team management, where you give the other person the resource of 'time to think as a stakeholder' and share the situation (log) rather than the answer.
Even now that I have reached this way of thinking, I have not been able to completely let go of 'correctness.' Patience requires leeway, and on days when I don't have leeway, I rush for answers and can no longer wait for the other person's thinking. And of course, I also believe that there are times when you should not let go of correctness depending on the content.




Conclusion: The 'greatest bonus' for childrenWhen I was doing it alone, I aimed for 'no one crying or getting angry'.
When you start running childcare with multiple people, another variable is added to that.
Even so, adults not clashing with each other, children building relationships with multiple adults, and having laughter in the house.
I think that atmosphere is a bigger 'bonus' for the children's hearts than any perfect childcare know-how.

Discarding 'my own correct answer' and searching for the 'optimal solution for the family'.

Perhaps true family peace lies within that messy and imperfect dialogue.
Note that this is just an organization as of now.

I intend to continue updating it as necessary while continuing to:
・Accumulate daily observations
・Collect examples that didn't go well
・Verbalize judgment criteria little by little

Looking ahead to next time
However, one big question remains here.
Why is it that we can behave so reasonably in the outside world, but the moment we return to the sanctuary of the home, we become so unable to yield 'our own correctness'?
Why do we repeat dead-end clashes even though we should have the common goal of 'family peace'?
Next time, I intend to dismantle the 'clash of correctness' that occurs within the home from four structural gaps.