A story about how my self-blame lessened when I grasped the contours of my struggle to live | Mental Health | Complex PTSD

It has been over 10 years since I was diagnosed with a mental illness.

The very first diagnosis I received was
Bipolar II disorder.

But, I felt
that something was somehow not quite right...

The more I researched, the more I felt shrouded in confusion.
Online information wasn't enough...


Books about mental illness,
books about mental health,
and also self-help books, and occasionally philosophy books too.
I don't even know how many books I've read.

I just wanted to know the true nature of my struggle to live.

In that process,
I also learned about Adult Children.

But somehow, that wasn't all there was to it.

Before long, I also learned the term HSP.
I have that temperament, too.
I do, but...

Along the way, I fell into a depressive mode,
and gradually couldn't even read books anymore.

In the midst of that,
what I found online was...

A disorder called Complex PTSD.

Regarding PTSD and trauma,
I had absolutely no awareness of them.

Moreover, Complex PTSD only began to be adopted as a diagnosis in 2022, so it is a disease name that has not yet fully permeated society.

It is true that various things happened since my childhood.
Can those events be called trauma...
I do sometimes get pulled into memories of the past, but can that be called a flashback...

But,
difficulty in emotional control,
especially strong reactions that occur under certain situations.

A strange but odd sensation like dissociation.
A feeling of being pulled deeply into the past and unable to escape.

And excessive self-blame, feelings of helplessness.
Clumsiness in human relationships.

These were introduced as symptoms...


When my emotions were stirred by something,
I had thought it was only because of my own mental weakness,

And that the times I would get depressed thinking about unpleasant things from the past, or that feeling of hating myself so much...

Could it be that what I had long thought was due to my personality and mental weakness was actually caused by this disorder...

The moment I thought that,
I felt as if my head and heart were gradually clearing up.

As a result...
I am now being seen by a doctor at a hospital for Complex PTSD, and while I am in the recovery phase, I still occasionally waver.
(The previous diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder remains...)

But,
since I realized that what I had long thought was my personality in my life was actually a part of the symptoms,
my depression and anxiety have also decreased significantly.

As for my original temperament,
I do, of course, have mental weakness and sensitivity.

Therefore,
from now on, without giving up...

I will face myself, and take a little break.
I want to move forward little by little.