The story of how my world changed just by making 'I' the subject

'I'm troubled because my parents do X,' 'I'm being pushed around by my husband'

Is that really someone else's fault?

For a long time, I lived only using passive language.

'My parents decided my career path for me'
'My husband doesn't help with anything, so I'm the only one having a hard time'
'My boss forced me to do it, and I was saddled with work I didn't want to do'

...These were all my 'catchphrases' back then.

And, I thought of a life where things were just 'done' to me like that as something that
couldn't be helped.

But one day, a counselor told me,

'Why don't you stop using that word 'done to me'?'
'Why don't you make 'I' the subject?'

From then on, my words changed.
And, my life itself began to change.

In the following, I will talk specifically about how I escaped from being 'done to'.

When I changed the subject, the world changed.

What the counselor pointed out was my habit of speaking.

'Isn't that not "my parents decided my career path," but "I followed my parents' opinion"?'
'Try rephrasing "I'm being pushed around by my husband" to "I chose for myself to go along with my husband's schedule"'

...At first, I was surprised.

Wait, I chose it?

No, no, I had no choice.
I didn't have any awareness that I had chosen it.

But, just as I was told, I tried speaking with "I" as the subject.

'I was afraid of being opposed by my parents, so I gave up on my desired career path'
'I decided for myself to endure it without saying anything to my husband, I decided it myself'

Then, strangely, I had the feeling that 'that might be true'.

Huh?
Maybe I wasn't a victim who was forced to do things after all.

Of course, there were unreasonable things.
But, in the end, "I" decided everything.

This realization was a shock to me.

As long as you blame others, your life will not move forward.

For example, in the past, I used to think like this:

“I wish my husband would help more with raising the kids.”
“I wish my boss at work would understand me better.”
“If my parents had acknowledged my efforts more, I would have more confidence now.”

But that meant, somewhere along the line,
I believed that someone else was holding the steering wheel of my life.”

While continuing counseling, I realized something important.

The things I wanted others to do for me were, in the end,what my younger self wanted my parents to do for me.”

“I want to be acknowledged more.”
“I want to be cared for more.”
“I want to be made to feel more secure.”

Those were all thingsthat the child I once was had hoped for from my parents.”

But now that I am an adult—
even if no one else does them for me,
I should be able to do them for myself.”

For example, I acknowledge myself for working hard by saying, “Well done.”
On days when I am tired, I cancel my plans and let myself rest.
On lonely nights, I speak to myself, saying, “There, there, you’re doing your best.”

Instead of being swayed by how others treat me,
if I think about “how I treat myself” and take the initiative,
my life will change.

If you stop living a life of “being done to,” you can create your own life yourself.

Now, the moment I think, “That person didn’t do this for me,” I try to rephrase it by asking:

“...So,what do I want to do?”

Then, strangely enough, my feelings settle down.
Instead of being swayed by the actions or emotions of others,
I have become able to focus on “my own choices.””

A life of “being done to” is somewhat dependent on others, vague, and responsibilities are dispersed.
But a life of “doing” is a life where you stand on your own two feet and move forward with your own decisions.

Of course, not everything goes well.
When things don’t go well, I have to take responsibility myself.

When you blame others, you can’t choose for yourself, but it is easier, isn’t it?
Because you don’t have to take responsibility.

But,because it is something I chose myself, I am prepared to take responsibility for it.Even the regret when things don’t go well,

if it was something I chose myself, I can be positive about it.”

If you, too, are currently thinking, “It’s painful because I’m always just having things done to me,”
please try changing your words just a little bit.

"I chose to do XX myself"
"I did XX"
"Even so, I decided to do XX"

And,

"Since I am the one choosing, I can change it"

From the moment you make 'yourself' the subject again,
your life becomes your own.

Finally

I encountered this way of thinking soon after I started counseling.
But it took me quite a long time to break free from a passive life.

Because until then, it was natural for things to 'be done to me'.
It had become a habit.

So, I first made a conscious effort to change my words.
Then, my way of thinking gradually changed, and my way of living changed.

Until then, it was a "life of blaming someone else".
Now, it is a "life chosen by my own hands".

If you, like me, find yourself thinking it's 'someone else's fault',
why not start by changing your words?

" I choose this."

I wrote an article about the first counseling session I received.
This article is for those who think, 'I want to try counseling, but I'm anxious about what it's like.'

Thank you for reading until the end.
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