What "Normal" Probably Is...

I think it's probably a space, a time, or a choice that feels comfortable to you.

Something that you have "found," "thought about," and "chosen" yourself.

Back when I didn't understand myself at all and lived my life constantly gauging the expressions and moods of those around me,

I felt I "had to be normal."

I sought out normal and was obsessed with being normal.

Normal = the same as everyone else.

I held that equation.

So, during my school days, it was my grade level, my classmates, or my friends.

After becoming an adult, it was my company or the people at my workplace.

I followed the normal of those around me to avoid causing any friction as much as possible.

Of course, it was cramped and suffocating.

But I was scared. I was scared for so, so long.

Of being labeled an outsider, being talked about behind my back, and being left out.

Being treated like I'm something fragile, or the atmosphere that creates.

"I am wrong."
"It's my fault."

Having the small values within me
that make me who I am be denied.

That's why,
I thought I just had to endure it.

Looking back now, I truly believed in what I now see as self-sacrifice and empty platitudes.

But, eventually, that stopped working.
Because I was struck by hyperventilation and anticipatory anxiety.

The moment I woke up in the morning,
a feeling of "fear" would surge from deep inside my body.

An empty room.
A space where there was no sound at all.

I might die.
I was so scared that even that thought didn't cross my mind.

It wasn't about dying,
it was the terror of losing control of myself.

Even now, I sometimes get hit by anticipatory anxiety in the middle of the night or while at work, and I feel like I'm about to lose myself.

A little bit of stress makes it hard to breathe, or my energy drains away all at once, making me easily exhausted.

Above all,
because I've come to need long hours of sleep,
I think I've ended up with a rather difficult body to manage.
(Since if I get less than 8 hours, I feel dizzy and it becomes difficult to get through the day.)

But, because I encountered such fear,
"This isn't working,"
"I have to change my life."

I was able to change direction.
I didn't just stop at thinking about it; I was able to properly take action.

That future is now,
and by knowing about the existence of note,
I've been able to meet all of you,
and through your articles, I've been able to receive courage, energy, and healing.

Thanks to finding such a comfortable place to belong,
I've come to want to believe in my own potential more.

I've come to be able to believe.

When I was seeking the "normal" that those around me had,
it was actually causing me suffering,

but now, I'm going to find that "normal" for myself.

In the first place, everyone has different things they value and different sets of values.
I realized it's only natural for my heart to rebel when I try to conform to those.

Sometimes there is no resistance,
but that's just because the compatibility with the other person is good and things are calm.

Basically, since everyone is different,
it is natural for there to be changes,
with waves rising and falling.

Therefore,
I believe that instead of conforming to the "normal" of those around me,
I should just find my own "normal."

That "normal" is centered on
"what you feel comfortable with."

There will always be people who push back against that center.
But it is also certain that there will always be people who empathize with it.

"I like that about you!"

If you connect with people who say things like that,
you will surely want to believe in yourself more
than you do now,

and I think you will feel excited about a future full of possibilities.

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