How I Lost Friends as an Adult and Found New Connections Through the '7 Magics' of Psychology.

“When was the last time you made someone you could truly call a ‘friend’?”

One evening, while tidying up my room, that question suddenly crossed my mind.

When we were children, we would make “best friends” just by being in the same classroom or playing in the mud at the park. But what about us now that we are adults? Between the commute to work and home, fixed social circles, and above all, being chased by the busyness of daily life, we are losing the mental space to even seek out new encounters.

In fact, there is some shocking research data. It is possible that people lose half of their current friends every seven years or so. Furthermore, it is said that more than half of modern adults suffer from some form of “loneliness.”

I myself was no exception. Before I knew it, my smartphone contacts were filled only with work-related exchanges.

“I want friends. But I don’t know how to make them at this stage in my life.”

Today, I would like to share the record of a small experiment where I encountered some psychological insights and used a little courage to change my daily life.

It started with a cup of coffee and a glance at a “belonging”

What I tried was to gradually incorporate the “7 phrases to make friends” proposed by the renowned psychologist Dr. Marisa Franco into my daily life.

The stage for my first experiment was a quiet, favorite cafe I sometimes visit on my days off.

A woman sat in the seat next to the counter wearing a lovely scarf that looked like it had been hand-knitted. The old me would have just thought, “That’s lovely,” and left it at that. This is because my defensive instinct would kick in, fearing that I might annoy her if I spoke to her.

However, psychological experiments have revealed an interesting fact. While less than 40% of people expect that the other person will react well when they initiate a conversation, in reality, 92% of people respond to conversations positively. In other words, the idea that “I might be a nuisance” is just an assumption.

I took the plunge and spoke the first magic phrase.

She looked surprised for a moment, but her expression immediately brightened, and she happily replied, “Actually, I knitted this myself!” People naturally feel affection for those who compliment them. From there, we had a lively conversation about knitting.

Encouraged by this success, I tried throwing out the next phrase to deepen the conversation.

Humans are wired so that their brains feel great joy when they are asked for their opinion and get to talk about it. She gave me some truly lively advice, saying, “It’s easier if you start with thick yarn!”

And then, I used this to wrap up the conversation.

The act of 'asking for recommendations' is an expression of trust and respect for the other person. It also serves as a pass for a future conversation, implying that 'I can report back to you next time.' She showed me her smartphone screen and taught me carefully.

Crossing the 'acquaintance' barrier to the next step

Even if you can share a wonderful time, the biggest hurdle for adults is 'not letting it end as a one-time encounter.' This is where the latter phrases from Dr. Franco show their power.

As we were parting, I felt a little nervous, but I spoke the classic line for exchanging contact information.

The key is to offer options like 'social media' in addition to LINE, so as not to burden the other person. She readily said, 'Sure!' and gave me her Instagram account.

After that, for several days, I continued low-risk, light interactions, such as 'liking' her posts or leaving short comments. To nurture a friendship, 'repeated interaction' is necessary.

And a week later, I took the plunge and sent a message.

Conveying your desire to continue the relationship directly. This 'little bit of proactivity' is essential for adult friendships. Her reply was immediate and warm: 'I'd love to!' In this way, for the first time since becoming an adult, I was able to gain a pure 'new friend' without any ulterior motives.

Another magic to revive past connections

Dr. Franco's teachings are not limited to new encounters. In fact, 'reigniting' a relationship that is about to fade away is also a perfectly valid way to make friends.

I remembered the face of a friend from my student days whom I hadn't contacted in a few years, buried deep in my smartphone. It wasn't that we had a falling out; we had just grown distant because our lives were busy.

I sent a message, attaching a photo of a place we both used to visit that I happened to see.

I was worried that reaching out after such a long time might be rejected, but that was an unnecessary fear. 'I'm so happy you contacted me!' came the long reply with a status update immediately. I realized that we were both just waiting for a 'trigger'.

And now, I am taking it a step further and challenging myself to involve others in the world I love.

This is an approach of opening up your hobbies and interests and inviting someone to a specific activity. In psychology, there is data showing that 'people become intimate rapidly when they share a slightly unusual or stimulating experience with someone.'

A little bit of courage can change the scenery of your daily life.

Making friends as an adult certainly might not have a 100% success rate. Sometimes the timing won't be right, and you might not get a positive response.

However, even if you are turned down, a positive feeling of 'I was happy to be invited' remains in the other person's heart. Most of the risks we fear are actually just illusions created by our brains.

My daily life, which once felt lonely, definitely regained its color after I started being conscious of these '7 phrases'.

If there are nights when you also feel like you 'want to connect with someone,' please try throwing a small word at someone tomorrow.

'That bag is lovely.' 'What do you think about this?'

That one word might be the beginning of a new story that enriches your life.

Thank you for reading until the end. If this article has helped push you forward even a little, there is nothing that would make me happier. Please do share your own stories of 'warm connections made as an adult' in the comments.