Adlerian Psychology: [Non-Praising Parenting is the First Step to Self-Esteem] ~A Recommendation for 'Self-Acceptance' by Embracing Emotions~

Why Adlerian Psychology Rejects the Act of Praising

The act of praising has an aspect of being an "evaluation made by someone with ability toward someone without ability." Because children decide their actions based on criteria like "am I being praised?" or "what will the adult think?," their "sense of agency" is gradually lost.

Imagine this.
When a friend shows you a picture they drew,
do you say things like "Good job!" or "Well done!"?

Therefore, the act of [praising] is a [vertical relationship] (a hierarchical relationship).
(It is said that you cannot build good human relationships in a vertical relationship.)

I am not saying that praising is bad.
If you become too dependent on the act of praising,
children may become dependent on being praised, lose their sense of agency,
and potentially start expressing dissatisfaction if they are not praised.

The Harmful Effects of Praise-Based Parenting

Because the goal is to be praised,

1. They stop doing things on their own
2. They won't do it unless they are praised
3. They start thinking only about themselves

There is a possibility that the harmful effects mentioned above will occur.

Praising equals being evaluated. Children start to feel that they have no value unless they are the kind of person who gets praised, which lowers their self-esteem.

Instead of Praising

Rather than praising actions, things obtained, or things possessed,
use words like "Thank you," "That helped me," or "I'm happy"to encourage them to feel that they have value. Being able to feel that one's existence has value leads to later self-esteem.

Concrete Examples

1. When a child takes the initiative to help you
Good job! → It really helped me that you helped out! Thank you! I'm so happy!

2. When a child gets a good grade on a test
That's amazing! You're a genius! You're the best!→ You were studying so hard, weren't you? I was so proud to see that! It makes me happy when you get results. You gave me the courage to do my best too!

What is Self-Esteem?

It refers to the sense of affirming oneself as one is, and the positive consciousness or evaluation of oneself. It is the "feeling that it is okay to be yourself."

How to Increase Self-Esteem

First, the most important thing for increasing self-esteem is "self-acceptance." People think that if you keep affirming yourself, your self-esteem will increase, but self-esteem is only possible through self-acceptance.

*Various studies have shown that "self-esteem is increased by self-acceptance, not self-affirmation."

What is Self-Acceptance?

It is accepting yourself [just as you are].

How to practice self-acceptance

It means accepting what you are feeling just as it is, without passing judgment on whether it is good or bad. Accepting your emotions as they are is what it means. Even if they are negative emotions, you accept them.

It is very important to be able to accept yourself when you are scared, sad, or angry, and to believe that 'no matter how I feel, I am a person worthy of being cherished.'

At first, some people may fall into self-loathing because they cannot accept themselves for having negative emotions, but that is okay too. You accept it by saying, 'Oh, so I feel like I hate myself right now.'

Self-acceptance from parent to child means that you do not deny any emotions, but instead convey to the child, 'I see, you feel that way. You thought that, didn't you?'

The foundation of 'self-esteem' is built as a result of repeatedly accumulating 'self-acceptance.'

The experience of having 'what you are feeling' accepted and respected just as it is becomes an irreplaceable foundation for the heart.

And that foundation will later become a shield that protects the child's heart.

Summary

Accepting negative emotions seems simple, but it is actually very difficult. For example, if an older brother who just got a baby sister says, 'I don't need a sister!', you might be tempted to say, 'Don't say that! That's terrible!' out of sadness. But that is exactly when I want you to accept those negative emotions by saying, 'You felt lonely, didn't you? You felt like I was being taken away from you and you didn't like that, right?'

If a parent denies, ignores, shows contempt for, or gets angry at a child's emotions when they express them, the child learns to put a lid on (repress) their emotions, thinking it is better not to have emotions, it is better not to feel.

When entering society, it is certainly necessary to put a lid on your emotions to some extent, but that lid should be used by your own will. You decide for yourself that it is better to put a lid on it for now, and then you do so.

For those who have become accustomed to putting a lid on their emotions and no longer know what they are feeling, or for those who cannot accept their own negative emotions, I highly recommend practicing the acceptance of emotions. It's okay to be yourself, no matter what! ♪

This time, I wrote an article focusing on Adlerian psychology-based parenting and the importance of self-acceptance. How was it? Recently, my motivation to write articles has dropped, and... it's not that I couldn't write...!

In terms of Adlerian psychology, [I didn't want to write].

I was anxious about my understanding, interpretation, and the structure of the sentences... I was afraid to publish an article in that state, so I was running away from writing.

Today, I am going to accept that part of myself.

ーーーーThe Endーーーー