The painful love I once had is now what protects me

🌙 Progress Diary

I think that thanks to Ripi,
my mental strength has grown.

Looking back now,
a therapist is, by nature,
someone whose schedule makes it obvious that,
even if it is work, they are in a world where they meet other women.

To expect me to be fine in that environment,
to not feel anxious,
to not feel jealous,
was asking the impossible,
I can calmly think now.

⸻

In fact,
whenever Ripi said something jealous, I genuinely thought this:

“What are you talking about?”
“If you don't want me to go elsewhere, why don't you put in some effort?”
“Do you have any idea how much harder it is for me?”

Thinking back on it now,
I even laugh at myself for
how I managed to hold on in that kind of relationship.

⸻

But because of that,
I was forged.

The feeling of anxiety,
the habit of doubting,
the pain of having expectations and being betrayed.

I experienced it all,
properly, once and for all.

⸻

That is why now,
even if Nagase-kun
had ten other girlfriends,
if I can't see it, I'm fine (lol).

Even if his replies are slow,
I don't feel anxious at all (lol).

If it were the old me,
I don't think I could have imagined this.

⸻

Precisely because I suffered so much
with Ripi being a therapist,
I stopped being swayed
by "things I cannot see."

Instead of doubting,
I have learned to trust my own senses.

⸻

Those two years
were certainly not easy,
but they were not in vain.

I have truly
become stronger.

And now,
I don't mistake anxiety for love.

Just that alone
makes me feel that that time had meaning.