Why do I still want Ripi, even though it hurts? ✧

When I think of Ripi,
my chest aches deep inside.
Even though it's so painful it takes my breath away,
I still can't bring myself to say, 'I don't want to see you anymore.'

I've been hurt so many times,
and I've told myself so many times,
but in the end, Ripi's face is all I can think about.

Why is that?
Why does falling in love have to be this painful?

⸻

I think it's because when I was with Ripi,
I was closer to my 'true self.'

It wasn't a forced smile;
I could laugh honestly.
I didn't have to force myself to be cheerful,
and there were times when we could understand each other even in silence.

I didn't know what Ripi was thinking,
so I worried a lot and cried a lot.
But in the midst of those days,
I truly felt like I was 'alive.'

⸻

Ripi was the person
who allowed me to show the 'self I had never shown anyone else.'

My insecurities, my jealousy, my weaknesses.
I couldn't hide any of it in front of that person.

It was scary,
and it was comforting,
and I was swayed by those contradictory emotions.

That's why even now,
no matter how much it hurts,
I don't think I want to let go of 'that time.'

⸻

Maybe love
isn't an emotion meant for finding happiness.

Rather,
it's an emotion for knowing yourself through someone else.

By falling in love with Ripi,
I saw both my 'weakness' and my 'strength.'
I learned that truly caring for someone
means facing yourself this deeply.

⸻

Even if I think, 'I want to end this,'
my heart doesn't listen so easily.
Even so,
I don't want to deny the feelings that lie deep within this pain.

I don't want to make the version of me that fell in love with Ripi
a mistake.

⸻

― 'Why do I still want Ripi, even though it hurts?'
That isn't a contradiction of love,
but proof that I am alive.
What was inside that pain
was truly 'genuine feeling.'