The Story of the Cup of Approval

"Hey, look!"
"Hey, listen to me~"
"What is this?"

These are words you hear over and over when interacting with children.

Some people think this is just them "wanting attention."
But it's a little different.

They just want to tell someone
about what they are doing or thinking.

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It can be frustrating to hear it every single time,
but I would like you to respond to them if possible.

"I'm looking."
"I'm listening."
"I wonder what that is."

If you look them in the eye and answer slowly,
it is often enough to satisfy them.

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This is what it means to "approve."

It is different from praising.

You acknowledge what they are doing as a fact.
If it's amazing, say "That's amazing."
If they did it, say "You did it."

That is all it takes.

There is a mysterious stamp that teachers use.

"Seen"

It doesn't give a grade, nor does it point out mistakes.
They submitted it, so I saw it.
I saw it, so I saw it.

It is a stamp that means nothing more than that,
but it is still something children need.

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Sometimes, you are evaluated without being seen.

How can you evaluate something you haven't seen?
Many people must have thought that at some point.

If you have seen it, you can accept the evaluation.

But if the person themselves doesn't feel that they have been 'seen',
no matter how much you watch, it is the same as not watching at all.

When people are evaluated without the feeling of being 'seen',
they cannot accept it.

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A state where that feeling is lacking,
and one is desperate for that feeling,
is called 'having a high need for approval'.

It means wanting to be acknowledged.

If that state of being unfulfilled continues,
it starts to be called 'low self-esteem'.

Lacking confidence in oneself.
That is because one has not been acknowledged.

Have they never been acknowledged,
or do they not think they have been acknowledged?
That differs from person to person.

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Let's return to the topic.

When a child says, 'Hey, look?',
what happens if you ignore this?

'Look, look!'
'Look at me!'
'I'm telling you to look!'

It gradually escalates.

'Oh, you're noisy!'
'I'm doing something right now, aren't I!'

It is a scene I sometimes see in the city as well.

I see this as
a sign that there is not enough daily recognition.

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Although it depends on the child's mood and personality,
if you watch them on a daily basis, that is enough.

Make eye contact with your child and say,
"What's wrong?"
"I'm doing something right now, so I'll look at it later."

And don't forget to make sure you ask later,
"What was it you wanted to show me earlier?"

This is the promise.

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Saying "I tried it once, but nothing changed" is out of the question.

It takes daily accumulation for someone to start craving approval.
Therefore, improvement also requires daily accumulation.

The things we accumulate little by little are sometimes called
the "Cup of Approval."

Scooping water with your hands and pouring it into a cup.
That is the kind of image it is.
It is truly a humble task.
It also takes time.

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The troublesome part is that while it is hard to fill the cup with water,
it only takes a moment to knock it over.

(How easily it tips over varies from person to person.)

Water that someone spent time accumulating can be spilled by someone else,
by getting unreasonably angry.
By judging without even looking.
By labeling without even listening.

Sometimes, it can be knocked over in just one go.

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The Cup of Approval is invisible.

Therefore, you need to check
whether it has been knocked over or not.

"Why would you do that?"
"Even though I did this much."

Honestly, there are times when I think things like that.

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Even so, if you consciously continue to pour water,
one day, a change will suddenly occur.

"I'll study."

They suddenly start listening to what people say calmly.

The cup of approval has overflowed.
That is the best way to describe it.

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Once the cup overflows, things move quickly.

Only then do both "scolding" and "praising" become effective.

Approval means seeing someone.
When the person themselves realizes they are being "seen,"
only then will they accept feedback after being seen.

That is what a relationship of trust is.

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There is no need to praise them in any special way.

"I did this."
"You are doing this."

That level is enough.

The reason why even that simple thing is difficult is
because human emotions are easily disturbed there.

Staying calm.
Facing one's emotions.

Those are far more difficult.

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Sometimes, I encounter children whose cup of approval
is already broken.

A cup that has fallen to the ground and shattered.

To be honest,
I cannot fix that cup.

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So, what should we do?

We have no choice but to keep pouring water.

If a puddle forms under the cup, that might be enough to sustain it.

If we keep pouring water and it flows onto the ground, we might find a new cup from beneath the mud.

Even so, one day, suddenly, they will say, "I'll do it."

It is a mysterious thing.

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Next time, I will write about a student I actually met.

A child who abandoned class, brought nothing with him, and wouldn't even return a greeting.

How we poured water into his cup—I will write that record now.

▶Next: On my first day, he had already abandoned class