Those who struggle with relationships often try too hard not to be disliked

People who feel they are bad at relationships are often the ones who, in reality, are more careful than anyone else not to treat others poorly.

The volume of a greeting.
The tone of a LINE reply.
Nodding during a conversation.
The expression when saying goodbye.
The words in a comment left on social media.

They look at each and every one of these things too carefully.

But that carefulness can, before you know it,
become an 'effort to avoid being disliked'.

Even though, in truth, you just want to talk normally.
You just want to be among people with peace of mind.

Before you know it, you are only watching the other person's reaction,
and your own feelings are being put on the back burner.

Being bad at relationships might not be because you are cold or have a bad personality.

Rather, it might be so you don't get hurt.
So you don't make someone uncomfortable.
So you don't ruin the atmosphere of the room.

It might be the result of having tried too hard for too long.

When you struggle with relationships and feel crushed by the feeling that you are the only one who can't get things right

The moments when you feel you are bad at relationships are not just when a major problem occurs. In fact, in small situations like morning greetings, short casual chats, or a single comment on social media, you may feel like you are the only one who cannot do it well, which causes you distress. In this chapter, I will gently put into words the anxiety hidden within those small feelings of discomfort, rather than blaming you for them.

Noticing that my voice trembles during a morning greeting

The moment you arrive at work or school in the morning.
You make eye contact with someone and reflexively say, 'Good morning.'

Even though it is just that,
it feels like my voice went up a little.

Just because the other person's reply was quieter than usual,
'Was the way I said that weird?'
'Did I put them in a bad mood?'
'Maybe they are distancing themselves from me again.'
Such thoughts spread quietly inside my chest.

People around me seem to be greeting others casually.
They smile lightly and head straight to their seats.

Yet, I am the only one who dwells on a few seconds of interaction for minutes on end.

People who are bad at relationships are exhausted over and over again in these small situations.

It is not that I had a big fight.
It is not that someone strongly rejected me.

But I pick up on the other person's tone of voice and facial expressions too minutely.

I couldn't act normal.
I was awkward again.
I'm the only one who doesn't fit in.

Every time I feel that way, my confidence is chipped away a little more.

But in reality, it might not be that you are bad at greetings,
but that the "self-blame" that starts after the greeting is what is painful.

More than the fact that your voice trembled,
the time you spend replaying it over and over is much more exhausting.

For some people who feel they are bad at relationships,
the tension of "I must not make the other person uncomfortable" is ingrained in every part of their daily life.

That is why even a morning greeting requires so much effort.
You force a facial expression.
You adjust the brightness of your voice.
You check the other person's response.

That is not being lazy; rather, it is a state of trying too hard.

Constantly re-choosing your words in the middle of a conversation

When you are talking to someone,
a second conversation can start inside your head.

"Was that response too cold?"
"Should I have smiled more?"
"If I talk about myself here, will I be seen as pushy?"
"But if I stay silent, will they think I'm a boring person?"

While listening to the other person,
you are simultaneously correcting your own words over and over.

Before you speak, several candidates come to mind.
But they all seem a bit risky.

It might be too light.
It might be too heavy.
It might be rude.
It might be boring.

While you are hesitating like that, you fall a little behind the tempo of the conversation.

Just because the other person asks "Huh?"
your chest tightens.

And then again,
you return to the thought, "I really am bad at conversation."

But the reason you keep re-choosing your words is because you care about the other person.

You don't think you can just say anything.
You are paying close attention so that the other person doesn't get hurt and the atmosphere doesn't get weird.

However, when that consideration puts too much pressure on your inner self,
conversation becomes less like an exchange and more like a test.

I have to give the right answer.
If I make a mistake, I'll be disliked.
If I fail, they will distance themselves from me.

Continuing to talk while feeling that way is painful for anyone.

It is not that you are bad at relationships, but rather,
you are constantly tense within 'relationships where you cannot afford to fail'.

Just by rephrasing it that way, your perspective might change a little.

The cycle of opening and closing the SNS comment section

You see someone's post on social media and
think, 'That's nice'.

You have the urge to comment.
But the moment you open the comment section, your hand stops.

Is this phrasing too light?
Would it be strange to comment suddenly?
Will I stand out compared to other people's comments?
What if the other person has trouble replying?

You type some words, then delete them.
You type again, and delete again.

In the end, you close the screen without leaving anything.

Even after that, it lingers in your chest for a little while.

'I couldn't do it again'
'This is why I'm no good'
'I don't know how to gauge distance with people'

It's just social media.
Even if you try to think that way, your heart cannot be so easily convinced.

For those who struggle with relationships, social media is also a legitimate place for human interaction.

A 'read' receipt appears.
A 'like' is given.
A reply comes.
It doesn't come.
You see someone else's reaction.

Even though it's on a screen, you still feel genuine tension.

In truth, you have a desire to connect with someone.
But you feel that if you get the approach wrong, you will be disliked.

That is why you open and close it.
You write and delete.
You imagine the reaction and get exhausted beforehand.

That cycle is not a sign of weakness.

Rather, it is hesitation that arises precisely because you do not want to treat your relationship with someone carelessly.

However, if that hesitation continues for too long,
you may start to feel as if 'you are not qualified to interact with people'.

But you don't need to blame yourself that much.

Perhaps you aren't bad at relationships, you just don't quite know how to protect yourself within them yet.

If you feel like you're 'weird' every time you talk to someone and feel down comparing yourself to others, that feeling might be a sign that your efforts have become excessive. It is important to gently look at the background of those feelings without blaming yourself.

Looking at the movement of the heart: why the desire 'not to be disliked' becomes too strong

The thought of 'not wanting to be disliked' is not strange at all. Everyone wants to avoid rejection if possible and stay in relationships where they feel secure. However, when that desire becomes too strong, you may end up entrusting your self-worth to the reactions of others. Here, we will take a slow look at those inner movements.

Nights spent worrying about people's reactions and replaying how you spoke

Sometimes, after you get into bed at night, the conversations from the day come back to you.

Maybe I was too harsh back then.
I should have replied more cheerfully.
The moment they went silent might have been because they felt offended.

You replay the scene over and over,
correcting the way you spoke in your head.

'I should have said it like this back then'
'No, that might be weird too'
'I'll be more careful next time'

Even though you want to sleep, your mind is still continuing the conversation.

People who struggle with relationships sometimes cannot step away from a conversation even after it has ended.

The other person might have already forgotten.
But inside you, it is still going on.

Choice of words.
Facial expressions.
Pauses.
Tone of voice.

You examine the small details over and over,
searching for what you did wrong.

That is because you don't want to get hurt anymore.

Perhaps you have had an experience in the past where the atmosphere changed because of a casual remark.
Perhaps you have been treated coldly all of a sudden.
Perhaps you have memories of being distanced without knowing the reason yourself.

When such experiences pile up, the heart learns to anticipate things.

So as not to fail.
So as not to be disliked.
So as to do it properly next time.

But when that anticipation becomes too strong,
you end up in a state where you are talking to the fear of the past rather than the person in front of you.

The other person might not be angry right now.
The current situation might not be dangerous.

Even so, the reason your heart feels tense is
not because you are overreacting, but because you are trying to protect yourself based on your past experiences.

On the commuter train, lost in thought, wondering, "Maybe I was wrong."

On the commuter train, I suddenly remember yesterday's interaction.

While looking at my own face reflected in the window,
I start to think, "Wait, was I actually in the wrong after all?"

The other person's attitude was a little cold.
But I don't know why.

When people don't know the reason, they try to fill in the blanks.

And the more someone feels they are bad at relationships, the more likely they are to fill that blank with
"Maybe it's my fault."
.

The other person might have just been tired.
They might have been worried about something else.
They might have just happened to be in a hurry.

Even though those possibilities exist, I end up doubting myself first.

"Was the way I spoke strange?"
"Did I say something unnecessary?"
"Did I misjudge the distance between us?"

Even though no one is blaming me, a review session begins within myself.

As the train sways, my spirits sink along with it.
Even if I look at my phone, the content doesn't sink in.
Every time a notification comes in, my heart skips a beat.

This exhaustion is hard to see from the outside.

To those around me, I'm just riding the train.
But inside, I am constantly checking the answers to my relationships.

The thought "Maybe I am wrong" looks like self-reflection at first glance.

But if that continues repeatedly, it moves away from self-understanding and toward self-denial.

Self-reflection is meant to make things a little easier next time.
Self-denial is something that diminishes your very existence.

Just noticing that difference can give you a little more room to breathe.

Unable to sleep because I keep replaying the other person's facial expressions

There are nights when I cannot forget the look on someone's face.

Our eyes didn't meet for just a second.
Their smile was a little faint.
Their reply was short.

Even though it was just that, it carries great weight in my heart.

“Maybe they disliked me.”
“Maybe they thought I was a nuisance.”
“Maybe I shouldn't talk to them anymore.”

The room before sleep is quiet, making those thoughts sound even louder.

Even if I can manage to pretend I'm fine during the day,
at night, the anxieties I had tucked away can come out.

The more someone struggles with relationships, the more closely they watch the other person's expressions.

It is not because they are uninterested in people.
Rather, it is because they are sensitive to how others react.

However, being sensitive is not always treated as kindness.

Within oneself, it becomes exhaustion.
It becomes tension.
It becomes sleepless nights.

In reality, the other person's expression should also include their own circumstances.

There are days when they are tired.
There are days when they are lost in thought.
There are days when they were just sleepy.

But when anxiety is strong, one takes every expression of the other person as an evaluation of oneself.

That is why it becomes painful.

The desire not to be disliked
might be the flip side of the wish to feel secure.

Rather than wanting to be liked by someone,
I just don't want to be suddenly rejected anymore.
I don't want to be distanced without knowing the reason.
I don't want to experience the feeling of being the only one left behind.

Because of that fear, I watch the other person's reactions more than necessary.

Thinking of it that way, your anxiety is not just overthinking,
but can be seen as a movement of the heart that has been trying to protect you.

If you are exhausted from forcing yourself to change your words and attitude because the feeling of 'not wanting to be disliked' is too strong, the root of that may be related to past experiences or emotional defenses. Just knowing that you are not the only one who feels this way should make you feel a little more at ease.

A time to quietly accept that struggling with relationships is not your personality's fault

When you constantly feel that you are bad at relationships, you may eventually come to believe that it is a problem with your personality. However, behind that struggle, there are often several hidden factors, such as past experiences, a tendency to get tired easily, a habit of adjusting too much to others, or an environment where you do not feel secure. Here, we will organize the internal patterns you should look at before blaming yourself.

The smartphone screen during break time that makes you feel like you are the only one who is different

During break time, the people around you are talking naturally.

Talk about a video they watched yesterday.
Plans for the weekend.
Someone's minor blunder.
Laughter lightly overlaps.

While unable to join in, you look at your smartphone.

While pretending to look at the screen,
you are actually concerned about the conversation around you.

It is not that you have no desire to join in.
But you do not know the right timing to enter.

Would it be unnatural if I spoke up now?
Would it be strange if I suddenly laughed?
I also hate the idea of them thinking I was eavesdropping.

While you are thinking about that, the conversation moves on to another topic.

And once again,
the feeling that
you are the only one who is differentremains.

People who struggle with relationships are sometimes seen as choosing to be lonely.

But in reality, rather than choosing loneliness,
it is sometimes just that they are standing at a distance where they won't get hurt.

I want to get closer.
But I am afraid of being rejected if I do.
If so, it is safer to stay a little apart from the beginning.

In that way, your heart is protecting itself.

The smartphone screen during break time is not just a way to kill time,
but can become a refuge when you are looking for a place to belong within your relationships.

Even though your fingers are moving as you scroll,
your heart is constantly reading the atmosphere around you.

So that you can react immediately if someone speaks to you.
But also so that you don't have to take the step yourself.

Being in that ambiguous place is quite exhausting.

Therefore, before blaming yourself for not being able to join the circle well,
it might be okay to realize,
I am currently taking a break while under tension.

The fact that you are tired even though you are supposed to be taking a break does not mean you are weak.
It is because your heart has its antennas constantly pointed at your surroundings.

The walk home, asking yourself, "Why doesn't it go well?"

Walking to the station on the way home, you think.

I couldn't talk much today either.
I didn't get any closer to that person again.
I felt like I was somehow out of place.

Walking under the streetlights,
"Why can't I do this right?"
you think over and over.

You want to find an answer, but you can't.

Should I be more cheerful?
Should I be more proactive?
Should I become the type of person who doesn't care?

But it's not that easy to change.

And then, you feel down again because you can't change.

People who struggle with relationships often link it to a "lack of effort."

If I try harder, I can be normal.
If I fix myself more, I'll be liked.
If I am more considerate, I won't be disliked.

But there are cases where you are already trying more than enough.

You are reading the other person's reactions.
You are choosing your words carefully.
You are trying not to be a burden.
You are trying not to ruin the atmosphere.

It's just that those efforts are hard to see from the outside.

The efforts of someone who talks cheerfully are easy to see.
The actions of someone who proactively invites others are easy to understand.

But the effort to stay silent so as not to say anything unnecessary.
The effort to keep your distance so as not to trouble the other person.
The effort to think over and over so as not to be disliked.

These are often not seen as efforts at all.

That's why you yourself feel like you aren't making an effort.

But in reality, you might have been making an effort all along.

It's just that the direction of your effort was
not toward "engaging as yourself,"
but toward "fading away so as not to be disliked."

The night you reread the message you saved in your drafts

Nights spent reading and rereading a message before sending it on LINE or DM.

Is the ending too cold?
Should I add an emoji?
But is it too much if I add too many?
Does it look like I'm asking for a reply?

After editing it so many times, I lose track of what I wanted to say in the first place.

At first, I might have just wanted to say,
"Thank you."
That's all.

But as I polish it to avoid being disliked, the words drift further away from me.

I save it to drafts and can't send it.
I close my phone.
I get worried and open it again.
I read it one more time.
I still can't send it.

In that cycle, I slowly grow tired.

The reason you struggle with relationships isn't because you lack words.

In fact, sometimes you have too many words.
There are so many options in your head that you feel anxious no matter which one you choose.

You have the ability to imagine the other person's feelings.
You have the ability to consider the situation.
You have the sensitivity to care about the impact of your words.

But when all of that works to blame yourself,
communication becomes very heavy.

It's just pressing the send button, but in your heart, you're conducting a trial over and over again.

Will this message make them dislike me?
Is this level of distance appropriate?
Is this the right timing?

I think that's how you've been protecting yourself.

So, you don't have to just blame yourself for not being able to send it.

Behind the fact that you couldn't send it,
there was likely a feeling of,
"I want to connect with them properly."

If you feel that you are bad at socializing and somehow different from those around you, it is often not a matter of personality, but rather the influence of repetitive patterns or mental habits. By understanding that background instead of blaming yourself, your feelings will gradually settle down.

A shift in perspective: putting a little distance between yourself and the assumption that you don't want to be disliked

Trying to suddenly let go of the assumption that you don't want to be disliked will only make you suffer more. The important thing is not to deny that feeling, but to look at it from a little distance. What are you afraid of? What are you trying to protect? When you realize that, a small space will begin to emerge in how you interact with others.

Finding yourself still hesitating over the price setting before the post button

You write a note and intend to publish it.

But your hand stops before the post button.

Is it okay to put this out there?
Will someone laugh at me?
Will they think it has no value?

You open the pricing screen, then close it again.

Maybe it's not worth charging for.
Maybe it would be better to make it free so I won't be disliked.
But, in truth, I want to place a little value on my own words.

Such contradictory feelings emerge.

For those who struggle with relationships, sharing content is also a form of relationship.

Being read by someone.
Being evaluated.
Getting a reaction.
Perhaps, getting no reaction at all.

All of that is scary.

In particular, expressing your own thoughts and feelings can feel like more than just a post.

It feels like offering up a part of yourself.
It feels like showing a piece of your heart.
That is why you become cautious.

When the belief that "I don't want to be disliked" is strong,
even putting a price on your own words becomes a little scary.

Because when you aren't acknowledged by someone,
you feel as if you yourself have been rejected.

But, in reality, the reaction to your post and your own value are not the same thing.

The number of reads.
The number of likes.
Whether it was purchased or not.
Whether there are comments or not.

These are not a certificate of approval for your existence.

Even if you understand that in your head, there are days when your heart cannot keep up.

That is precisely why you don't have to become strong all at once.

First,
I think it is fine to start by noticing,
"Oh, I am trying not to be disliked right now."

Just by noticing, you create a little distance.

When you are swallowed up by your own assumptions, you can only see one option.

Try not to be disliked.
Try not to stand out.
Try not to make mistakes.

But if you step back a little, you can see other options.

Try putting things out there without them being perfect.
Leave them be even if there is little reaction.
Try trusting your own words a little yourself.

That small amount of change is enough.

When writing messages while convinced that you 'must be perfect'

When sending a message, you might find yourself searching for the perfect sentence.

So as not to be misunderstood.
So as not to appear cold.
So as not to be too heavy.
So as not to appear too light.

But there is almost no such thing as a perfect sentence in human interaction.

The other person's state of mind is different every day.
How things are received differs from person to person.
Even the same words change meaning depending on the relationship and timing.

And yet, trying to control everything is very exhausting.

People who struggle with relationships may not be afraid of failing so much as
lacking the confidence to recover after a failure.

What if I am misunderstood?
What if they make a disgusted face?
What if I don't get a reply?

Because the anxiety about what lies beyond that is so great, you try to put everything into that first sentence.

If I send it after making it perfect, I won't get hurt.
If I speak after making it perfect, I won't be disliked.

But no matter how much you polish it, there are no absolutes in human relationships.

Sometimes you will be misunderstood.
Sometimes things won't be conveyed well.
Sometimes the timing won't be right.

That happens not because you are bad, but because people are different beings.

Relationships are built little by little
in the midst of imperfect interactions.

It takes time to be able to think that way.

However, when you realize you are aiming for perfection,
if you can pause for a moment and think, "This may be a desire to cherish the other person, but I might also be trying too hard to protect myself,"
you will feel a little more at ease.

The moment you hesitate to send a message while imagining the other person's reaction

Before the send button, you imagine the future reaction.

They might see it and not reply.
The reply might be short.
It might create an awkward atmosphere.
They might think I'm annoying.

Even though nothing has happened yet,
your heart is already preparing for the aftermath of being hurt.

This habit of "getting hurt in advance" quietly drains you.

To be able to endure it when you are truly hurt,
you anticipate and imagine the worst possibilities.

That is also a form of emotional defense.

But if you repeat it over and over,
you end up more exhausted by the relationships in your imagination than by real-life relationships.

You haven't sent it yet.
You haven't received a reply yet.
The other person hasn't said anything yet.

Even so, in your head, you are already disliked.

If that state continues, you will feel exhausted before you even interact with people.

What is important here is not to force yourself to be cheerful and think, "I'll try not to care."

If it bothers you, it bothers you.
If it's scary, it's scary.

You don't have to try to erase those feelings.

Just try to separate them by thinking,
"This is not a fact, but a reaction I am imagining right now."

Instead of "The other person dislikes me,"
think, "I am feeling anxious that I might be disliked."

These two things seem similar, but they are slightly different.

That slight difference creates a buffer to protect yourself.

What people who struggle with relationships need is not to suddenly become social, but perhaps to practice separating anxiety from facts little by little.

A small step you can take starting today to protect yourself

When you try to change yourself because you struggle with relationships, you often end up trying too hard again. So here, instead of looking for ways to change drastically, we will think about small steps to protect yourself a little bit today. These are quiet adjustments, not to be liked by others, but to keep your own heart from wearing down any further.

Instead of worrying about the number of 'likes,' try writing just one character first

There are days when you try to write something, but your hand stops because you think,
“No one will read this anyway,”
“People might think it’s strange.”
thought, and your hand stops.

At times like that, you don’t have to try to write a finished piece.

Start with just one character.
Just one word.
It’s enough to just leave a note about how you felt today.

“I’m tired.”
“I’m scared.”
“I actually wanted to talk.”
“I was anxious because I didn’t get a reply.”

Even just doing that lets your feelings out a little bit.

People who struggle with relationships often imagine the other person’s reaction too much before expressing their own feelings.

But if it’s a note that no one else will see, you don’t have to think about the other person’s reaction.

There are no likes.
There are no read receipts.
There is no judgment.

Just place your words there for yourself.

It may seem like a small thing, but it becomes a time to confirm that
“even without a reaction from others, my feelings are allowed to exist.”

When you keep trying not to be disliked, your true feelings retreat further and further away.

I was actually unhappy.
I was actually lonely.
I was actually tired.
I was actually a little angry.

But you feel like you shouldn’t think such things, so you immediately suppress them.

So first, it’s fine to do it in a place no one else will see.

Give your feelings back just one character at a time.

Sometimes, just that is enough to help you regain a little bit of your own sense of self.

Time to put your phone down and decide not to worry even if there is no reply

After sending a LINE message, I find myself checking my phone over and over again.

Has it been read?
Has a reply come?
Is the other person online right now?
Are they updating their other social media while ignoring my message?

Even though looking makes me feel worse, I still look.

Even when I try to put my phone down, I think I hear a notification sound and pick it up again.

For those who struggle with relationships, the time spent waiting for a reply feels incredibly long.

Even though I am just waiting, various stories begin to play out in my mind.

Maybe they dislike me.
Maybe I said something strange.
Maybe they are distancing themselves from me.

But there is not just one reason for a lack of reply.

They are busy.
They are tired.
They are thinking.
They intend to reply later.
They haven't noticed the notification.

Of course, even knowing that doesn't make the anxiety disappear.

That is why I don't think you need to become someone who doesn't care.

While still being the person who cares, try placing your phone a little further away.

Even just for five minutes is fine.
Don't keep it on your desk; put it somewhere a bit further away.
Turn the screen face down.
Turn off notifications for a while.

This is not to ignore the other person, but to give your own heart a rest.

Your own time stops until a reply comes.
You feel as if your worth is determined by the other person's reaction.

From that state, pull yourself back just a little bit.

Even during the time when there is no reply, your own life continues.

Drink some tea.
Take a bath.
Fold the laundry.
Lie down on the bed.

Reclaiming such ordinary moments can be a step toward protecting yourself.

A night to write down your feelings in a memo

When you can't stop thinking at night, you don't have to try to sort things out only in your head.

In fact, when you think only in your head, it's easy to go around in circles.

"Maybe I was disliked."
"Maybe it was my fault."
"Maybe I shouldn't talk to them anymore."

Those kinds of thoughts keep coming back.

When that happens, just write down exactly how you feel, whether on paper or in a note on your phone.

You don't have to write it neatly.
You don't have to summarize it positively.
You don't have to write it for anyone else to see.

"I'm worried about today's conversation."
"The other person's reply was short and it scared me."
"I actually want to get along with them normally."
"But I'm afraid to get close."

When you write it down like that, the anxiety that had grown in your head takes on a bit of shape.

Once it takes shape, you can create some distance.

You go from being the anxiety itself to being the person observing the anxiety.
You go from being the anxiety itself to being the person observing the anxiety.

That is a very small change.

But for someone who struggles with relationships and has always blamed themselves, it is an important change.

Writing down your feelings is not about solving problems immediately.

It doesn't mean your relationship with the other person will suddenly improve.
It doesn't mean you will stop feeling nervous starting tomorrow.

But,
"So that's how I was feeling,"
just realizing that can sometimes make it a little easier to breathe.

When you are always trying not to be disliked,
it's easy to lose sight of what you are feeling yourself.

That's why you should make a little time at night to return to yourself.

That is not time to be liked by someone else,
but time to make sure you don't leave yourself behind any further.

Even while carrying painful feelings, let's look for a path toward relief little by little in the next article.

The feeling of struggling with relationships doesn't disappear just because you read one article. However, it is possible to develop a different perspective on things you previously thought were only "your fault." Here, I will leave some space for you to connect to the next words you can read, even while still carrying your pain.

Watching yourself open a draft note, only to close it again

Opening a note that has remained a draft.

Reading a little, thinking, "This might be weird after all," and closing it.

Opening it again on another day. Making a few edits. But still not posting it.

There may be some people who have many such drafts piling up.

You have things you want to write. But you are afraid to put them out there.

Putting your feelings into words takes more courage than you might think.

Especially for those who struggle with relationships and have always been concerned about how others react, the very act of putting your words out into the world feels like standing in front of a crowd.

But the time you spend leaving things as drafts is not wasted.

There, you have feelings that you cannot yet share, but that definitely exist.

The desire to be understood by someone. But the fear of being rejected. The desire to get closer. But the fear of being hurt.

I think it is okay to be contradictory.

The pain of human relationships is not something that can always be neatly organized.

You like them, but you are afraid. You want to talk, but you want to run away. You want to be understood, but you do not want to be seen.

In that way, opposing feelings exist at the same time.

Even while holding onto that contradiction, you can gradually come to understand yourself.

The day you opened a draft and closed it again. That may not have been a failure, but a day you confirmed your current limits.

The time spent looking at the titles of related articles, wondering which one to read first

The reasons why you feel you are bad at relationships differ slightly from person to person.

Some people are affected by past wounds. Some people have lost sight of their boundaries. Some people repeat the same patterns. Some people are just too exhausted and have no energy left to face others.

That is why the words you need right now change from day to day.

Today might be a day you want to look back at the past a little.
Today might be a day you want to know how to keep your distance from others.
Today might be a day you want to notice your habit of blaming yourself.

As you look at the titles of related articles,
the time you spend wondering,
“Which one is closest to how I feel right now?” is also part of self-understanding.

You don't have to find the answer right away.

If there is a phrase that catches your eye, start reading from there.
If you feel like you don't want to read it right now, that is also a reaction of your heart.

People who struggle with relationships often find themselves looking for the right order to do things.

Which article should I read to get better?
Which mindset should I adopt to feel more at ease?
What should I do to become normal?

But sorting out your heart doesn't always happen in the right order.

There are days when you are saved by words that just happen to catch your eye.
There are times when a text you couldn't read before starts to make sense today.

I think it's okay to take it that slowly.

The moment you scroll through the screen while thinking, “I want to know myself a little better.”

Even if you have read this far, your pain may not have completely disappeared.

You might still feel nervous about saying hello tomorrow.
You might still feel anxious while waiting for a reply.
You might still find yourself overthinking after a conversation.

Even so, I hope your perspective has changed just a little bit.

Struggling with relationships doesn't mean you are flawed.
You might just be exhausted from trying too hard not to be disliked.
You might have left your own feelings behind because you were trying so hard to cherish others.

Just being able to think that way changes the words you use toward yourself a little.

Instead of “Why can't you do it?”
it becomes, “You were scared, weren't you?”

Instead of “I failed again,”
it becomes, “You were just that nervous, weren't you?”

Instead of “I am strange,”
it becomes, “You have been protecting yourself that way all this time, haven't you?”

In that way, the words you direct toward yourself become a little softer.

Even that alone is a big deal for a heart that has been continuously hurt in relationships.

You don't have to force yourself to be positive.
You don't have to suddenly become good at socializing.
You don't have to aim to be someone who can talk well with everyone.

First, notice the efforts you have been making to avoid being disliked.

And then, find a place where you can ease those efforts just a little bit.

Beyond that, you might find your own way of keeping distance from others.

If you are currently feeling that you "struggle with relationships and end up blaming yourself," organizing those feelings is the first step toward gradually valuing yourself. For those who want to understand themselves a little better, please take your time reading through the related articles I have prepared as a continuation of this one. Let's find a path where your heart can feel a little lighter, at your own pace.