[DAY 1] Relationship fatigue and decluttering: The cause is the heat setting

In the morning, before opening the office door, I take one deep breath.

What kind of face should I make when I see that person? Can I match the atmosphere of that team today? Nothing has even started yet, and I am already tired.

That is not just in your head. However, the cause of the fatigue is not the relationship itself, but the heat used to manage the relationship.

A difficult person, a demanding boss, a colleague you don't get along with. No matter who you identify as an enemy and cut out, the fatigue won't disappear. The real burden is hidden in your own heat setting.

It's not just because of work

When people are tired of workplace relationships, most think it's because the work is tough. Workload, overtime, quotas. That is certainly part of it. But if you are still exhausted after returning home, the true source of the depletion lies elsewhere.

You use high heat in a kitchen when you want to cook something in an instant. Stir-frying in a wok. Searing the surface of a steak. These are all short-term battles. There is no dish that requires high heat for hours.

Yet, in the workplace, we keep the heat on high while reaching for another pot, letting the first one burn. I've done it many times. The cause wasn't turning the heat up, but leaving it on high while looking away.

However, in relationships, some people run on high heat from morning until night. Being considerate to the boss, paying attention to juniors, plastering a smile for clients. Giving 100% in every direction. Every single day.

If it were cooking, smoke would rise, it would smell burnt, and someone would tell you to turn the heat down. But the high heat of human relationships produces no smoke. There is no smell. By the time you notice, the bottom of the pot is pitch black.

This high heat has a name.

It is the act of continuously displaying something you do not feel. Lifting the corners of your mouth even when you are irritated. Nodding even when you are troubled. Adjusting your voice even when you are tired. In sociology, this is called emotional labor. It is the act of creating and displaying the emotions expected by your job. [Source: A.R. Hochschild, 'The Managed Heart' (1983)]

The troublesome part is that it has been reported that the method of only fixing the surface is strongly linked to physical and mental exhaustion. [Source: Meta-analysis by Hülsheger & Schewe (2011), etc.] You continue to perform on the outside what you do not feel on the inside. Invisible fuel is consumed in the corrective work of making that distance appear to be zero every time.

This is not a personality issue. It is a heat setting error.

Common signs of someone simmering too long on high heat

It is difficult to notice whether your own heat is too high while you are in the workplace. The signs appear outside of the workplace.

After returning home, you are exhausted even though you haven't done anything. On your day off, even with no plans, it feels heavy to get up. Unexplained irritation is directed at those close to you. Even though you slept, your body feels stiff in the morning.

The body is more honest than the head. Even if your head organizes things by saying you handled today without any problems, the emotions you didn't express haven't disappeared. What you suppressed has accumulated in your stomach, shoulders, jaw, and in your head before you fall asleep. In each of those places, the unburned residue continues to hold heat.

I want to confirm one thing here.

If you have started to doubt whether you are weak, that is a typical reaction of someone who has been exposed to high heat for a long time. You are not weak. You have just been holding the same posture for a long time in a workplace with high heat. That is all.

That is why you start thinking, "I want to declutter everything."

For someone who has been simmering over high heat for too long, a certain moment arrives.

Just seeing that person's name on the screen makes your chest tighten. After meeting them, the fatigue doesn't fade for hours. Somewhere in your heart, you are counting the time you spent for their sake.

You want to declutter your relationships. When you think that, your heart is already quite boiled down. The word "decluttering" sounds light. It sounds like tidying up a room. But the fingertips searching for that term aren't looking for the ease of tidying up. It is the heat of someone saying, "I've reached my limit."

Here, I will write something important.

Decluttering includes the act of throwing away. Therefore, it sounds like it means cutting off that person or erasing this person. But what you really need to organize isn't the people.

What is burning isn't the person, but the heat level.

Even with the same person, if you change the distance, the relationship changes. Change meeting every day to once a week. Change replying immediately to replying half a day later. Just by doing that, the bottom of the pot that was burning can start to breathe again. It's not that the ingredients are bad. It's just that the way you applied the heat wasn't right.

Take the pot off the heat before it burns

When people see a burnt pot in front of them, they want to throw away the whole pot. The contents, the pot, everything. They don't want to see it anymore. I think there are quite a few people who have experienced resetting their human relationships all at once like that.

But before you throw away the pot, I want you to look at the fire just once.

The cause of the burning is in the fire, not the pot. Even if you throw away the pot, if you use the next pot with the same heat level, it will burn again. People who have their relationships break in the same pattern even after changing jobs or moving are carrying over the same heat level.

When you list the reasons why you can't cut ties, the same words are usually mixed in. We've been together for so many years. I did so much for them. If I stop now, what was all that time for?

In psychology, there is a concept called sunk cost. It is a habit of judgment where you are dragged down by costs you have already paid and cannot recover, distorting your future choices. [Source: Arkes & Blumer (1985) Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes 35(1)] It's not just about money. Time, emotions, memories. Relationships have more types of unrecoverable costs. That is why they linger more deeply.

I want to write this clearly.

What you spent in the past remains even if you cut the relationship. The moment you let go, it doesn't mean the time spent until now becomes a waste. What becomes a waste is when you keep holding onto a burnt pot and let the time ahead burn as well.

Accept the past with gratitude. Re-choose the future based on your own senses. Keep these two things separate in your mind.

Heat adjustments other than cutting off — adjustments you can make starting today

Turning down the heat doesn't mean cutting off a relationship. There are adjustments you can make starting today.

Lower the frequency. If you were meeting three times a week, make it twice a month. If you were in contact every day, do it only when necessary. Just by reducing the quantity, the temperature changes.

Reduce the amount you offer yourself. Advice, empathy, concessions, support. For those who have always been the ones to give first, just reducing this will change the gravity of the relationship. The other person's reaction will reveal the true nature of the relationship.

Delay your response by a beat. When someone says something, take just one breath before responding. Loosen your habit of reflexively smiling just a little bit. That alone creates a gap where you can realize how you truly feel.

Don't make the 30 minutes after work about anyone else. Commuter trains, driving, walking from the station to your home. If you keep bathing in other people's emotions on your smartphone, you'll bring the fire home with you without it ever going out. Use those 30 minutes as a warm-down to turn off the heat.

Then, at home, give a name to your emotions. What did you dislike today? What made you happy? A diary or talking to yourself is fine. It's a movement to reposition the emotions you didn't express back into yourself. For those who struggle to find a place for their emotions, I have summarized the steps in an emotion-organizing note.

There is also the idea of using a drop lid. Even if you can't avoid meeting someone, you can close the lid of your heart yourself. You decide the range of the heat yourself.

Organizing is the heat control that protects your heart.

Organizing relationships is not cold-hearted.

When you set the heat to the right level, the ingredients shine. When you simmer slowly over low heat, the broth soaks into the core. It's a different thing from something boiled quickly over high heat. Relationships that are better off with some distance are similar to this. Things that couldn't be seen because they were too close can sometimes be seen once you step away. You might realize that the person you thought you disliked was just a matter of distance.

Organizing is not killing a relationship. It is heat control to bring a relationship to life.

You don't have to throw everything away. There are relationships where you turn high heat to medium. There are relationships where you turn medium heat to low. There are also relationships where you turn off the heat and take the pot off the stove. And there are relationships that continue quietly on a simmer.

What's important is to see which pot you are applying how much heat to.

And one more thing. In the process of organizing, you will learn the heat setting that is just right for you. That applies not only to human relationships but also to how you work.

High heat is not the only way

People who are tired of workplace relationships usually have the heat turned up too high.

They are always looking at other people's pots and burning their own. The energy used to keep correcting emotions is being drained every day in places you can't see. The cause is not the number of relationships. It's the firepower used to run those relationships.

So, first, know your current firepower. Then, lower it just a little. Before it burns, take the pot off the heat. Then, decide slowly.

High heat is not the only way. Medium heat, low heat, and sometimes turning the heat off. It's okay to change how you put in the effort.