[DAY 2] When You Can't Turn Off the Heat in Relationships, It's Either Boiling or Burning

Are you continuing to face people without being able to turn off the heat?

Whether too close or too far, a pot left on the heat will break. Either the water boils and the lid rattles, or the water evaporates and the pot bottom burns. The cause is the same, even if the way it breaks is different. The heat has been left on.

That state manifests in two forms: boiling or burning.

Are you facing people without being able to turn off the heat?

You wake up in the morning and head to work. Someone's face comes to mind. At noon, you read someone else's mood. At night, even after returning home, the meeting continues in your head. Even when you get into bed, tomorrow's plans swirl around in the pot.

Before you know it, you've been stewing over someone all day long.

Stewed dishes have an end. There is a time to turn off the heat. It's written in the recipe. But there is no recipe for stewing in relationships. No one tells you when it ends. So, without knowing how to stop it, the heat just keeps rising.

It is usually your body that notices first that you haven't turned off the heat. Your shoulders feel heavy. Your stomach is churning. You can't fall asleep. That is the same sign as smoke coming from a pot.

The problem is that even when there is smoke, you can't turn it off. You feel like something will break if you stop, so you can't lower the heat.

But in reality, more things break when you leave the heat on.

Unrelenting stress is a sign that you are keeping things boiling

When the state of not being able to turn off the heat continues, the first thing that happens is boiling.

The taut string doesn't snap. It keeps bubbling away. The surface is frothy, and the lid rattles. But you don't have the capacity to look inside. You are doing your best just to hold the lid down.

Even if you rest on the weekend or escape into hobbies, it's boiling again by Monday. Refreshing doesn't even last a day. That's because you are just pouring cold water on top, but the fire underneath hasn't been extinguished.

I explore the true nature of this boiling in another article. Why doesn't it stop? What is lighting the fire? How can you lower the temperature?

If you recognize the feeling of stress that won't go away, please read this first.

→ The reason relationship stress doesn't go away is that you keep it boiling

The limit of your suffering is a sign that the pot bottom has started to burn

When boiling continues, the next thing that happens is burning.

The moisture evaporates. The bottom of the pot is exposed. A brown film begins to form where it is directly scorched by the heat. The contents are still stewing. It looks normal. But the edge of the pot, the thinnest part, is quietly discoloring.

When you can only say "it's painful," your emotions are in this state.

Anger, sadness, and exhaustion all blend into one color, and it has no name. It's just "painful." Everything is crammed into that one word. You might cry over trivial things, or conversely, feel nothing at all. You might overreact in unrelated situations. That is a sign that the scorching on the side of the pot is appearing before the contents.

If you have noticed the scorching, please read this.

→ Pain in relationships might be a sign that the sides of the pot are starting to burn

Summary

Whether it's boiling or burning, it's telling you one thing.

The heat is too high.

Which one is happening depends on the person. Some people look like they have excess energy while they are bubbling inside, while others quietly wither as the sides of the pot discolor. The appearance is different, but what is happening is the same. The heat has not been turned off.

What you need is not endurance. It's not willpower either. It's changing the heat level. That's all.

There is no dish that uses high heat forever. There is a low flame for simmering. There is medium heat for steaming. There are also dishes that you finish with residual heat after turning off the flame.

The same can be said for human relationships.

Is your pot boiling or burning right now? First, look at that. Once you see it, turn the heat down just a little.

That is the smallest and most certain move you can make before you break.