Lessons on Drawing Boundaries in Relationships: How to Create Limits So You Don't Have to Endure Anymore

Do you ever feel like you are the only one making sacrifices in your relationships?

You want to say no, but you can't.
You have things you want to say, but you swallow them back.
You prioritize others' feelings while putting your own on the back burner, always watching their mood.

When days like that continue, at some point, a small voice from deep within your heart begins to speak.

"I don't want to endure this anymore."

But at the same time, you are afraid to draw a line.
You don't want to be seen as cold.
You don't want to be disliked.
You don't want to be seen as selfish.

The lesson of drawing boundaries in relationships is not about rejecting anyone.

It is a practice in continuing to engage with others while protecting yourself.

In this article, instead of blaming yourself for enduring too much, we will explore together the feeling of gradually creating boundaries.

The feeling of "I don't want to endure this anymore" that comes from drawing boundaries in relationships

When you want to draw a line in a relationship, there is usually a long history of accumulated endurance behind it. Even if there hasn't been a major incident, small feelings of discomfort or fatigue can build up little by little. In this chapter, we will look at what kind of emotional movements occur in your daily life before you reach the point of feeling, "I don't want to endure this anymore."

Finding yourself unconsciously checking someone else's mood on the morning commute

On the morning train, even though your head is still foggy, you find yourself thinking back to a text message you sent yesterday.

Was that way of saying it too cold?
Is the other person angry?
What kind of face should I make when I see them today?

You open your phone and read the message again.
Even though reading it over and over won't give you an answer, you find yourself obsessing over the read receipt time and the number of emojis used.

When you cannot draw a line in a relationship, your heart is always placed on the other person's side.

How will they feel?
How will they take it?
Will they become unhappy?

Sometimes, just the act of checking these things is enough to make you feel exhausted before the day has even begun.

In truth, you are tired too.
In truth, you want to spend today quietly.
In truth, you don't want to force yourself to reply cheerfully.

But you pretend not to see that "truth" and try to match the other person's mood instead.

That is a form of kindness.
It is also a desire not to hurt others.

However, if that kindness is always wearing you down, it might be okay to stop for a moment.

Drawing a line in relationships is not about pushing others away, but rather,

recognizing that "the other person's feelings belong to them" and "my feelings belong to me,"

and I believe it is about separating where your heart stands.

The moment you swallow what you want to say in the comments section of social media

You are looking at a social media comment section and something you want to say comes to mind.

But your fingers stop.

If I write this, will I be seen as a difficult person? Will I be seen as someone who can't read the room? Will it look like I'm being negative?

You type out a sentence several times and delete it. You rewrite it to be a bit softer and delete it again. In the end, you close the screen without posting anything.

Such moments surprisingly stay in your heart.

Even though it seems like nothing has happened, a small act of "swallowing" is taking place within you.

Choosing not to say what you want to say is not always bad. There are relationships that can be protected by staying silent. There is also wisdom in avoiding unnecessary conflict.

However, if you are always the only one staying silent, you gradually lose track of your own voice.

What did I really think? Was I uncomfortable, sad, or angry? Or was I just tired?

The lesson of drawing a line in relationships is not about expressing your opinions strongly from the start.

It is fine to start by just whispering to yourself in your heart.

"I felt a little uncomfortable," "I didn't really like this," "I decided I don't want to be involved right now."

You reclaim your feelings with words that you don't have to show anyone else.

From there, the boundary begins to take shape little by little.

Looking at your own hands while you fall silent at a drinking party, unable to join the conversation

At a drinking party, everyone around you is talking happily.

The laughter gets louder, and someone starts gossiping.
Actually, you feel a bit uncomfortable.
But, not wanting to ruin the mood, you smile vaguely.

Staring at your hand holding the glass, you think about wanting to go home early.
But you feel guilty about saying, "I want to go home."

Even though everyone else is having fun, you feel like you are the only one who is tired, and sometimes you end up blaming yourself for that.

However, people who get tired easily in relationships may be reading the room too much.

Who is bored?
Who looks unhappy?
Am I saying something strange?
Am I fitting in properly here?

If you spend your time constantly sensing things like that, it is only natural to get tired.

Drawing a line in relationships is not just about not going to drinking parties.

Leaving early.
Not forcing yourself to join the conversation.
Not being the listener too much.
Taking a little distance from topics you are uncomfortable with.

Those small choices are also boundaries.

If you feel like you are "putting your own feelings on the back burner" because you are being too considerate of someone right now, that endurance may not be due to your personality, but because your boundaries are vague.

Thinking "I don't want to endure this anymore" is not being selfish.

It might be a sign that your heart has finally sent out.

The unconscious feeling of "not wanting to be disliked" that makes it difficult to draw lines in relationships

It is not just because you don't know how that it is difficult to draw lines in relationships. In many cases, deep down, there is an earnest feeling of "not wanting to be disliked" or "not wanting to be thought of badly." In this chapter, we will look at the fear and hesitation that arise when you try to create boundaries, without forcing yourself to deny them.

The moment you choke on your words during a conversation because you are too worried about "not wanting to be disliked"

When you are talking to someone, a slightly different opinion comes to mind.[[phN_open]]But you can't say it as it is.[[phN_close]]

You want to say, "I don't think so," but the words stop in your throat.You imagine the other person's expression clouding over for a moment, and you suddenly get scared.

I see.
That's true.I might understand.

[[phN_open]]
End of section
[[phN_close]]

You say you understand, even when you don't.

Sometimes, after a conversation ends and you are alone, a wave of exhaustion washes over you.

Why couldn't I say it properly back then?
Why do I always end up going along with others?

However, I don't think you need to blame yourself too much for not being able to speak up.

The desire not to be disliked is not just a sign of weakness.
It is also a reflection of your desire to cherish your connections with others.

However, when that feeling becomes too strong, your own sense of self begins to fade.

The more you continue to accommodate others, the further your own true feelings recede.
And before you know it, when someone asks, 'What do you want to do?', you can no longer answer immediately.

The lesson of drawing boundaries in relationships is not about suddenly becoming assertive.

To start, it is enough to simply try saying this in your heart.

'I didn't think so'
'I'm a little tired'
'I don't have the capacity to go along with this right now'

Even if you cannot say it out loud, acknowledging it within yourself is enough.

From there, your words will gradually return to you.

The screen where you worry about the other person's reaction and keep re-editing your words

When writing a reply to a LINE message or email, you find yourself editing the text over and over again.

You initially intended to reply briefly, but you add emojis so you don't seem cold.
You only wanted to decline, but you write a long explanation.
Overwhelmed by guilt, you feel the urge to add 'I'm really sorry' multiple times at the end.

Before pressing the send button, you stare at the screen.

Is this okay?
Will they get angry?
Will they distance themselves from me?

Even though it's just one reply, it wears your heart down.

When you cannot draw boundaries in relationships, choosing your words easily becomes a task of 'not being disliked' rather than 'conveying your thoughts'.

Of course, it is important to choose words that do not hurt others.
But words that you have polished to the point of erasing yourself can become painful later on.

You don't need to provide more reasons than necessary when saying no.
You don't need to blame yourself for not being able to reply right away.
You don't need to pretend to be cheerful when you are tired.

A boundary is not a cold wall, but a line to protect your own space.

Delaying a reply.
Giving a short response.
Saying you can't meet today.
Telling them you need time to think right now.

These are not proof that you do not value the other person.

Rather, I think they are important adjustments to maintain a relationship without forcing yourself to break down.

The tendency to vaguely say "maybe next time" to invitations you want to decline

An invitation arrives that you don't actually want to accept.

It's not that you have other plans.
But you don't feel up to it.
You don't have the emotional capacity to see people right now.

Even so, you can't say, "Sorry, I'll pass this time."

Let's go next time.
If the timing works out.
I'll check my schedule.

You end up replying vaguely like that.

It doesn't cause friction in the moment.
But a small weight remains in your heart.

What if they invite me again?
Do I have to go someday?
Did I give them false hope?

By not being able to say no, you sometimes pass a burden onto your future self.

To draw lines in relationships, you need to practice gradually reducing ambiguity.

However, you don't have to be able to say no perfectly right away.

"I don't have much capacity right now"
"I'll pass this time"
"I'll contact you again later"

Even small words like those are enough to create a boundary.

The desire not to be disliked doesn't disappear immediately.
There are days when you feel uneasy after saying no.
You might even check the other person's reply over and over.

But that uneasiness is not proof that you did something wrong.

This is the emotional turbulence you feel when you are about to draw a line for the first time that you have never drawn before.

If the fear of being disliked is so strong that you can no longer see your own feelings, know that this is a natural emotion that everyone experiences. It is important to accept that state first, rather than trying to force a change.

Drawing a line is not about getting someone to dislike you.

It is about gradually creating a space where you can be yourself.

A time to understand the repeating patterns without blaming yourself for not being able to draw boundaries in relationships

When you get exhausted in the same way in your relationships, you might want to blame yourself, thinking, 'I did it again.' However, not being able to draw a line can be related to reactions and habits you have acquired over time. In this chapter, we will take time to gently understand these repeating patterns, not to deny yourself.

A night to look back on your past, where you always get exhausted in similar relationships

You come home at night, and suddenly, you feel completely drained.

Even though you were smiling normally when you were with someone, the moment you are alone, your heart quietly sinks.

I was too considerate again.
I accommodated the other person too much again.
I couldn't speak my true feelings again.

Thinking like that, you might even start remembering past relationships.

At my previous job, I was pushed around by someone similar.
In my student days, I was always trying to please someone strong.
Even in romance, I always prioritized the other person's convenience.

The more you look back, the more painful it feels, as if you have 'something that attracts these kinds of relationships.'

But just because you are repeating these patterns does not necessarily mean you are at fault.

People try to deal with current relationships using methods they learned in the past.

Anticipating others' needs to avoid being scolded.
Soothing someone who is in a bad mood.
Thinking that if you endure it, the situation will settle down.
Feeling that it is safer to swallow your words than to talk back.

Those might have been methods your past self learned just to survive in those situations.

However, if those methods are making your current self suffer, I think it is time to start reviewing them little by little.

The lesson of drawing boundaries in relationships is not a task of blaming your past self.

Rather, it is a task of recognizing the self that has endured so much until now.

The moment you find yourself thinking, 'Why am I repeating the same thing again?'

You are walking on eggshells around the same type of person again.
You are unable to say no in the same type of situation again.
You are feeling down by yourself afterward in the same way again.

When you realize that, you wonder, 'Why again?'

Do I lack the ability to learn?
Why can't I change?
Am I just terrible at relationships?

When you start blaming yourself like that, your heart becomes exhausted before you can even draw a boundary.

But the fact that you noticed the pattern itself is already the beginning of change.

Before, it was just painful.
This time, you were able to realize, 'This might be the same thing again.'

That may seem small, but it is actually a very big thing.

Relationship habits do not change overnight.
Even if you understand it in your head, when you are in an actual situation, your usual reactions may come out.

The moment the other person looks a little grumpy, you reflexively apologize.
The moment you are asked for a favor, you prioritize the other person over your own plans.
Before you can even find the words to refuse, you say, 'That's fine.'

That is not because your will is weak, but because it is a reaction ingrained in your body.

That is precisely why you don't have to try to change all at once.

First, it is fine to just notice it afterward.

'I was scared at that time.'
'I actually wanted to say no at that time.'
'I was prioritizing the other person's mood at that time.'

By putting it into words like that, you will be able to make a slightly different choice in the next situation.

The moment you remember past failures and fall into a loop of self-denial

There are nights when you hold your smartphone and remember past interactions.

I should have been clearer at that time.
I should have distanced myself from that person sooner.
I shouldn't have spent so much time on that relationship.

Regret can feel much heavier than the screen in your hand.

When you start blaming your past self, it becomes unstoppable.

Why did I put up with it?
Why couldn't I say I didn't like it?
Why couldn't I protect myself?

But the version of you at that time was likely doing the best they could.

You didn't know how to draw boundaries yet.
Being disliked was even scarier back then than it is now.
You thought it was better to endure it yourself than to make the other person angry.

If the current you unilaterally blames the version of you who lived that way, there will be no place left for your heart to escape to.

To create boundaries, you first need a safe place within yourself.

The version of you who failed.
The version of you who stayed silent.
The version of you who conformed too much.
The version of you who couldn't walk away.

Little by little, turn all of that into something to be understood rather than something to be blamed.

"That's why it was so painful, wasn't it?"
"You had no other choice, did you?"
"But it's okay to make different choices from now on."

Try softening the words you direct toward yourself in that way.

If you are currently tired of your relationship patterns and feel like "maybe it's my fault," that is by no means a problem that belongs only to you. Everyone has habits and tendencies they repeat, and knowing them is the first step toward improvement.

What is needed to draw boundaries in relationships is not the strength to blame yourself.

It is the quiet time to re-understand yourself.

The moment you realize that drawing boundaries in relationships is not about "being disliked," but a choice to protect yourself.

When you try to create boundaries, anxiety arises, such as "Will I hurt the other person?" or "Will I be disliked?" However, drawing a line does not just mean rejecting the other person. It is also about choosing the necessary distance to protect your own heart and time. In this chapter, we will trace the moments when your perspective on drawing boundaries changes a little.

The email reply screen on a morning when you had just a little bit of "courage to say no"

In the morning, I open the email reply screen.

A request has arrived.
The usual me might have pushed myself a little to accept it.

But today, I take a deep breath while looking at the screen.

Do I really have the capacity for this right now?
How will I likely feel after I accept it?
Before acting for the other person, have I checked my own state?

Just by pausing like that, the usual reflex can loosen a little.

"It's difficult for me to handle this right now."
"I don't have the capacity at the moment, so please find another way."
"I'm sorry I can't be of help."

You type such short words.

Before sending, it's still scary.
My heart beats a little faster.
I worry about what the other person will think.

But after sending it, sometimes my body feels just a little bit lighter.

Ah, it was okay to say no.
The world doesn't end if I don't take on everything.

Perhaps the courage to say no isn't about becoming strong.

It's about protecting your own limits just once, even while you're still scared.

That small experience helps cultivate a sense of boundaries.

A lunch break where you feel it's okay not to meet someone's expectations

During your lunch break, on a bench outside or in the office break room, you suddenly put your phone down.

There's a message from someone.
I know I should reply.
But right now, I just don't want to do anything.

In the past, I might have replied immediately.

It's bad to keep them waiting.
I don't want them to think I'm slow to reply.
I want to be seen as a proper person.

But sometimes, that "proper" behavior doesn't include time for me to rest.

Meeting someone's expectations is not a bad thing.
There are times when it's nice to be trusted or relied upon.

However, if you feel that a relationship can only be maintained by constantly meeting expectations, that relationship might be becoming a bit painful.

Drawing a line in a relationship doesn't mean rejecting all expectations.

It means separating what you "can do" from what you "cannot do."

I can't reply right now.
I can't meet today.
I don't want to join that conversation.
I can't listen to any more of that.

It's about having those small boundaries within yourself.

You have value even when you cannot meet others' expectations.
It is okay to exist even when you are not being useful.
Even if there are days when you cannot respond cheerfully, it does not mean you are lacking as a person.

A lunch break spent thinking that way feels just a little bit quieter.

Time to reclaim your own breath before using it for someone else.
I believe that is also a part of setting boundaries.

Using your smartphone at night after deciding to prioritize your own pace

At night, a notification comes in on your smartphone.

It is content that does not need an immediate reply.
But once you see it, it bothers you.
It feels a bit unsettling to go to sleep without replying.

Even so, tonight, try turning your phone face down.

I will reply tomorrow morning.
I will rest now.
I will save this time for myself.

It is such a small thing, but it might feel unsettling at first.

Will they think I'm being mean?
Will they think I'm cold?
Will they think I'm slow to reply?

But you do not have to react to every message immediately.

Drawing lines in relationships is also about reclaiming your own pace.

If you continue to act according to others' convenience, your own rhythm of life will fall apart.

Listening to people's problems until right before you sleep.
Replying to work messages even though it is your day off.
Unable to turn down invitations even though you are tired.
Going along with someone's mood even though you really want to be quiet.

With that accumulation, your own outline becomes blurred.

That is why closing your smartphone at night is also a valuable lesson.

Do not reply immediately.
Do not read everything.
Create time where you do not react.
Prioritize your own fatigue.

That is not treating someone lightly.

It is a choice to not treat yourself carelessly.

Drawing lines in relationships is not practice for being disliked, but practice for protecting yourself.

And when you become able to protect yourself, the way you interact with others will gradually become more peaceful.

How to find small steps you can take today to draw boundaries in your relationships

Boundaries cannot be created suddenly just by making a decision once. Rather, they are something that grows within you little by little through the repeated accumulation of small actions. In this chapter, we will find realistic steps you can take starting today, through your smartphone, notes, and daily choices.

A draft screen in your notepad for practicing saying "no"

It is scary to suddenly tell someone, "I can't do that."

That is why I think it is okay to practice in your notepad at first.

I cannot go this time.
I don't have the capacity right now.
I'm not very comfortable with that topic.
I want to rest today.
I would like some time to think about it.

Try writing them down first as words you won't send to anyone.

Even just doing that allows the "words of refusal" to begin to exist within you.

People who cannot draw boundaries in relationships do not necessarily lack the will to refuse; sometimes they simply do not have the words to refuse.

Always being vague.
Laughing it off.
Going along with the other person.
Saying "I'm fine."

If you have only ever used those kinds of words, it is natural that the words for "no" do not come out immediately.

That is why practice is necessary.

They don't have to be strong words.
They don't have to be cold.
They can be short.

"I'll pass this time."
"It's difficult right now."
"I'm going to spend time on myself today."

That is enough.

When you look at the words you wrote in your notepad, you might feel restless at first.

Is it okay to say things like this?
What will the other person think?
Am I a cold person?

But those words are not blades meant to hurt anyone.

They are the keys to a small door meant to protect yourself.

A smartphone screen showing a message from someone you want to distance yourself from, currently left on hold

When you receive a message from someone you want to distance yourself from, your body might react before your mind does.

Just seeing the notification makes your chest feel heavy.
You feel like you have to reply.
But you don't want to open it.

In times like those, choosing not to reply immediately is an option.

Put it on hold for a moment.
Take a deep breath before marking it as read.
Take some time before writing a reply.

Even just doing that can help you reclaim a little bit of yourself from the other person's pace.

To draw a line in your relationships, it is important to loosen the habit of reacting immediately.

They messaged me, so I must reply right away.
They asked me, so I must answer right away.
They seem unhappy, so I must soothe them right away.

In the midst of those reflexes, there is no time to check in with your own feelings.

Therefore, putting things on hold is not running away.

It is a pause to return to yourself.

Do I have the capacity to engage with this person right now?
Is this reply something I truly want to send?
Am I trying to reply out of fear?
Is this something I could actually decline?

Take the time to ask yourself these questions.

Of course, you won't be able to do it perfectly every time.
There will be days when you reply in a rush.
There will be times when you feel exhausted afterward anyway.

But if you can put it on hold even just once, that is a big step forward.

It's okay not to reply immediately.
It's okay not to decide right now.
It's okay to wait until you've checked in with your own feelings.

As the moments where you can think this way increase, your boundaries will gradually become a reality.

A notebook at night where you've written down your feelings

Open your notebook at night.

You don't have to write beautiful sentences.
It's not for anyone else to see.

Just try writing down what you felt in your relationships today.

I'm tired.
I actually didn't like it.
I wanted to say no.
I was a little scared.
I was worried about the other person's mood.
I put my own feelings on the back burner.

When you write things down, the things that were tangled in your head take on a visible form, even if just a little.

To draw a line in relationships, it is essential to notice your own emotions.

This is because you cannot draw a boundary if you don't know what you dislike, what is painful, or where your limits are.

However, the more you have been enduring, the more you tend to judge your own emotions immediately.

How can I feel bad about something like this?
There are people who endure even more than this.
The other person didn't mean any harm.
Maybe I'm just overthinking it.

That is how you cancel out your feelings the moment you feel them.

That is why in your notebook, you shouldn't think about whether it's right or wrong.

Just write.

If you didn't like it, then you didn't like it.
If you were tired, then you were tired.
If you were sad, then you were sad.
If you were angry, then you were angry.

Acknowledging those emotions is not the same as blaming someone.

It means not pretending that what happened inside you didn't happen.

The small step you can take starting today doesn't have to be a dramatic change.

Delay your reply a little.
Write a refusal message in a memo.
Keep a note of what you didn't like.
Don't make plans on days you are tired.
Temporarily turn off notifications for people you find difficult.

Those small choices will help you cultivate a sense of protecting yourself.

Lessons on drawing boundaries in relationships are not something only special people can do.

You can start tonight by writing down just one of your feelings.

A natural connection to the next step beyond the lessons on drawing boundaries in relationships

When you start learning to draw boundaries in relationships, you feel a little more at ease, but at the same time, new doubts arise. How much distance should you keep? Should you cut off the relationship, or can you adjust it while continuing? In this chapter, we will look at the next step after you have started creating boundaries, without rushing.

Waking up on a morning when you feel a little more courage to set boundaries

There are mornings when you wake up and your heart feels just a little quieter than it did yesterday.

It is not that anything has changed significantly.
There are still people you find difficult.
It is still scary to say no.
You are still concerned about how others will react.

Even so, yesterday you looked at your own feelings just a little bit.
You were able to take some time instead of replying immediately.
You were able to write in your notebook that you felt uncomfortable.
You were able to keep a little distance, even if vaguely, from an invitation you couldn't accept.

Those small steps can make your breathing feel a little lighter in the morning.

Setting boundaries is not something that is completed all at once.

There are days when you can't do what you were able to do yesterday.
There are days when you feel anxious after having gathered the courage to say no.
There are days when you see someone's reaction and wonder if it was your fault after all.

But even so, it is okay to come back to it.

The lesson of drawing lines in relationships is not about avoiding failure, but about practicing how to return to yourself.

If you find yourself accommodating others too much, you notice it again.
If you push yourself too hard, you rest again.
If you end up enduring it, you try making a slightly different choice next time.

I think it is fine to move at such a slow pace.

The hands searching for the next article while feeling the pain of human relationships

The pain of human relationships does not disappear immediately just because you have read one article.

Even after you finish reading, someone's face might still come to mind.
You might still not know what to do about the distance between you and that person.
You might still feel a little afraid to look at your own patterns.

Even so, there is already a small change in the hands that are searching for the next article.

You are not just suffering; you are wanting to know a little more.
You are not just blaming yourself; you are wanting to understand.
You are wanting to rethink something so that you do not repeat the same mistakes.

That feeling is very important.

Drawing lines in relationships does not mean cutting off all relationships.

It means rethinking the form of unsustainable relationships in order to preserve the ones you want to keep.
It means finding a comfortable distance with the people you want to continue being with.
It means gradually realizing which relationships might be better to step away from.

To do that, it is necessary to understand your own reactions and patterns.

Why do I feel so strongly obligated to be considerate only to this person?
Why do I feel guilty when I say no?
Why do I keep going back even though I want to keep my distance?

You don't need to find immediate answers to those questions.

The moment you are able to hold those questions, you are already slowly returning to yourself.

If you have decided "I won't endure this anymore" but are unsure where to start, that is perfectly natural. It is important not to force perfection but to accumulate small changes. A screen at night, starting to think about learning more deeply through a paid note.

At night, while looking at your smartphone screen, there are moments when you want to know a little more.

How to draw lines in relationships.
Your habit of enduring too much.
How to deal with the desire not to be disliked.
The difference between someone you should distance yourself from and someone you want to maintain a relationship with.

These are things that cannot be fully sorted out with simple, correct answers.

This is because there are emotions involved in human relationships.

Even if your head knows you should keep your distance, a sense of loneliness remains.
Even if you decide not to endure anymore, you worry about the other person's mood.
Even though you were right to say no, the guilt doesn't go away.
Even though you want to protect yourself, you are afraid of appearing cold.

Sometimes, you need time to understand those fluctuations themselves.

Learning deeply through a paid note is not about suddenly becoming a strong person.

Rather, it is time to ensure you don't leave your own weaknesses and confusion behind.

The lesson on drawing lines in relationships is not about cutting people off, but about gradually reclaiming your own heart.

And as you reclaim your heart, the way you see your relationships will also change little by little.

Maybe I need a little distance from this person.
Maybe I can be a little more honest with this person.
It is okay to decline this invitation.
In this relationship, I have always been pushing myself too hard.

That is how things become clear, one by one.

You don't have to change everything today.
You don't have to find answers immediately.
But, keep from dismissing your own feelings.

Just by doing that, the lesson has already begun.

If you are tired of your current relationships and want to sort out your feelings, why not start by slowly learning "how to create boundaries" in the free note? You should be able to find small hints for living in your own way without forcing yourself. I will deliver lessons to help you move forward one step at a time, at your own pace.

Having read this far, I think some of you may feel, "I understand the importance of drawing lines, but I don't know what to actually do." Especially for kind people, drawing a line feels like being cold. To untangle that confusion, I have organized things more practically in "Relationships are exhausting because you might be too kind—a 'boundary-setting lesson' so you don't have to struggle just by enduring."