Life after my husband passed away.

I once heard that Mao Kobayashi said "I love you" to Ebizo Ichikawa before she passed away.
When nurses heard that, it became a topic of conversation: "Is it really possible to speak that clearly before dying?"
At the time, I also wondered about that, but now that I have lost my own husband, I think, "Why shouldn't a miracle like that happen?"
After all, she lost her beloved at such a young age.

My husband was diagnosed with cancer and was immediately hospitalized for surgery.
It was laryngeal and tongue cancer, and there was a risk that swelling would block his airway and cause suffocation if he didn't have a tracheostomy.
So, we communicated through writing.
One day, he wrote "I like you" in hiragana on a notepad for me.
We laughed together, asking what that was all about, but two days later, he lost consciousness.

My husband wasn't someone who had lived in America or a playboy, but he was the type who could say "I love you" without hesitation. I think he wrote "I like you" instead of "I love you" at the end because he felt that "I love you" might be too heavy since he was about to leave.
He was a very considerate person, after all.
It might simply be that he had no physical or mental strength left and "love" (ai) has many strokes and is hard to write, but I prefer to believe the former.
I have decided to interpret things in a positive light.

The day of the funeral was incredibly busy.
When it was finally time for the cremation, I realized my mother and mother-in-law were holding me firmly by both arms.
Apparently, they were worried because I was staggering toward the cremation furnace.
They didn't need to worry; I have my beloved cat, so I have no intention of committing suicide.
I just thought, "I don't want to let go yet."

I kept the cat out of the room where my husband's portrait and ashes were because of the flowers and incense, but until the 49th day, it would often meow in front of the room.
I don't have a sixth sense, so I couldn't feel anything, but I'm sure he was nearby.
Cats are so endearing.

After my husband passed away, I stopped being a "good person."
It wasn't something I did with any particular intention.
It was closer to a cynical feeling of, "I've lost my beloved, I can't keep acting like a serious, good person."
As I wrote in a previous article, my father is a toxic parent.

Since I was a child, I was always smiling and trying to please others, so I was always assigned troublesome tasks like being a class representative. I thought if I refused, people would hate me.
It's a strange example, but if I was playing with a capsule toy with a friend and they said, "Oh, that's nice. I wanted that," I would give it to them, even if it was something I actually wanted, saying, "I didn't really want this one anyway."


This is a small event in itself, but because it was like that with everything, I never thought about "what I want to do" or "what I think."

My toxic father would sometimes come to borrow money. He knew it was useless to ask me, so he would send my mother instead.
He knew I couldn't refuse if my mother asked. (My mother is a good person, but she lacks the ability to live independently, so she does whatever my father says.)

"Let this be the last time. If you come to borrow money again, I will move out without telling you and put a restriction on viewing my resident record."When I said that, he stopped coming to borrow money.

I refused various other requests as well.
No one said anything when I stopped being a good person.
Maybe they were saying things behind my back, but if it doesn't reach my ears, it's the same thing.
Besides, no matter how you live, people will say whatever they want.
Come to think of it, I was once told to my face, "It must be nice to live alone comfortably on insurance money and survivor's pension."
I thought, "I'm working because I don't have any leeway, you idiot," but it's useless to say anything to people like that, so it's best to just let it go in one ear and out the other.

I often hear "take care of yourself," but for a long time, I didn't really understand what that meant.
I understood the meaning of the words, but I didn't know how to take care of myself.
But I finally understand.
It means not neglecting yourself and listening to your true feelings.
I lived for 39 years without knowing such a simple thing...

Still, he is my husband after all. He made me realize something important and left me a great parting gift.
Ah. But I still want to see him.

A book my boss lent me.

I've heard that if you had something you wanted to ask someone who passed away, you used to ask a medium, and I wonder if this book is similar to that.
When I was lent it, I was studying for a certification exam, so I thought I would read it after the exam was over.
You divine it using your own zodiac sign and the other person's death anniversary, and the message for me was

"This is a story from long before you and I were born into this world.
Your soul and mine had met.

At that time, we made a promise.

When the time comes for us to live on Earth together,

we will support each other's dreams.
I will be the North Star

that powerfully illuminates you
always.
I will become the North Star that shines with unwavering light,

and I will be the sign
for you to reach the land of our soul's promise."

The exam was quite difficult for me, but I passed.
I think he was probably watching over me.
(Though I also studied like crazy)
I'm not the type to believe in spiritual things, but this felt right, so if you're interested, please check it out.