I became a yakitori. I am a cancer survivor.

Regarding the care manager exam.
I failed.

I was so arrogant that I passed that I didn't even check my answers.
I thought, 'It was easier than I expected.'

The day the results were announced.
My number was not there.

—Huh?

The care manager exam does not notify you of your score.
I went to inquire.
The result was that I was one point short.
The result was that I was one point short.

…One point.

This difference of just one mark became the 'Merazoma' (a powerful destruction spell) that burned off my arrogant wings.
In terms of 'Dragon Quest: The Adventure of Dai,' it was the look on Galdandy's face the moment he underestimated Pop as 'just a little wizard' and was convinced he could crush him with a single fingertip.
In my mind, I could see the passing notification.

But what actually rained down on me was a heat ray named failure.

For a moment, my thoughts stopped.
Because I had spent the days leading up to the results worrying about 'how to come up with the 60,000 yen for the practical training fee after passing.'

'60,000 yen... If I get a little subsidy from the city, what should I sell on Mercari? My husband's wedding ring or mine? If I earn 20,000 yen on Mercari, what should I do for the rest?'

In my mind, I was already imagining myself as a care manager being consulted by everyone at work.
I was truly Galdandy, circling gracefully while looking down on humans as prey from the sky.

However, in reality, before I could even worry about coming up with 60,000 yen, I was turned away at the entrance of the exam venue.

What was all that time I spent getting a stomachache worrying about 60,000 yen?
Knocked headlong from the back of a dragon and crashing into the ground, the only thing that leaked from my charred mouth was not a cry of victory, but a pathetic mutter unique to a small-fry: '...One point, you say?'


I wanted to be cool like Crocodine.
But I was not Crocodine.

I was Galdandy.

Misjudging the enemy's strength and being tripped up by one's own conceit.

A few days later, a junior boy asked me.
'How was the exam?'

I answered like this:
'Ah, M-kun... I wanted to be Crocodine, but it seems I was Galdandy.'

Then he tilted his head and said,
'Who was Galdandy again?'

—A mob character so obscure that even though he should love 'Dai,' he didn't get it. A small-fry. A weakling.
The man who was turned into charred yakitori by a single Merazoma from Pop.

Embarrassing.

Writing this, I realized an even more desperate fact. Galdandy lost his cool and went berserk precisely because his partner, Ludo, was killed by Pop. He had a 'reason' to go mad.

But I don't have a Ludo.

It's just that I myself, who was smoking an iQOS and saying 'Well, it'll be easy,' was my own greatest enemy.

In other words, I am less than Galdandy.
Just a 'walking yakitori' who doesn't even deserve to ride a dragon.

The day the results were announced was my birthday.

'God, thank you for the best production.'
I seriously thought so.
Receiving the passing notification on my birthday and drinking not my usual highball, but a slightly more expensive liquor to celebrate.

If I think of the 60,000 yen training fee as a birthday present to myself...

But the reality was not a surprise gift from God, but a full-power Finger Flare Bombs.

What remained in my hands, as I was about to prepare a celebratory cake, was not a candle, but my own charred wings blowing smoke.The 'best birthday' was instantly repainted into 'the day in human history I want to punch myself the most.'



Happy birthday to me.

And at this time in late November, the filling out and checking of withholding tax slips begins.

For the past few years, because the head of general affairs hasn't been feeling well, I have been in charge of checking the nurses' slips.

She says easily, 'Please just do the nurses' part,' but the profession with the most people in the hospital is nursing.
A mountain of withholding tax slips attacks me right after my vitality has been withheld.
I failed the exam, but I wasn't allowed to fail at my job.


Honestly, I hate studying again this year.
It's heavy on my heart to face that exam again.

Even so, I want to do my best.
For the sake of my own dream.

From here on, I want to talk seriously not as Galdandy, but as a nurse.

My dream is to support cancer patients 'holistically.'

Since losing my husband, I have come to think strongly about this.
Cancer patients do not just carry the burden of illness and mental pain.

Anxiety about medical expenses.
The fear of whether they can continue working.
The loss of self-esteem as their appearance changes.
And the feeling of being cut off from society.



That is why, in addition to my role as a nurse,
I have obtained my FP certification and learned about appearance care.

And now, if I can also get the care manager qualification,
my perspective should broaden even further.

Any one of these is not enough.
Only when they all overlap does it finally become 'that person's life.'

To be honest, I sometimes think about this.

Cancer medicine is advancing rapidly.
Perhaps a time will come when it becomes a 'curable disease.'

Then, will what I am learning now be a waste?

—Probably not.

Survival rates have increased due to advances in anticancer drugs and the like.
Because of that, the problem of 'how to live' has become even heavier.

People who continue to work while undergoing treatment.
People who are troubled by changes in their appearance.
People who are about to lose their connection to society.

Even if the disease is cured, the problems of life do not end.

In fact, I am also a cancer survivor.

When I was told, 'It is cancer.'
Even though I understood it in my head, my world changed in an instant.

When I told my family, what came back was
the words, 'Are you going to die?'

Even if it was a cancer that could be removed by surgery,
the impact of those words does not disappear easily.

That is why I want to study after all.
There is a reason I cannot end as yakitori.

⸻

Recently, I have been writing an 'Ideal Theory Battle Series.'
I want to change, and I want to see changes in, the working environment for nurses.

So sometimes, I suddenly think.
'Am I being contradictory by talking about individual qualifications and efforts?'

But, I still think.

I am a nurse who lost her husband to cancer.
Because I am in that position, there are things I have seen.

When I was standing on the ward as a nurse,
I was looking at 'patients.'
But when my husband became a patient,
I saw 'people whose lives were falling apart.'

Treatment alone is not enough.
Explanations and kindness alone are not enough.

Systems, finances, appearance, work, housing, family.
These intertwine, and people are quietly and surely driven into a corner.

Changing the workplace and supporting the one person in front of you are actually on the same line.

If the working environment for nurses does not change, patients' lives cannot be protected.
And if you seriously try to protect a patient's life, you will inevitably hit the limits of systems and environments.

I am looking at both of those things now.

It's fine if people call it an ideal theory.
Even so, I will raise my voice and I will learn.
Doing that much might not be in the scope of a nurse's job, and I don't know how far I can go until retirement.

Because I am a nurse who lost her husband to cancer and is also a cancer survivor, I want to keep thinking about support that can be incorporated into life, not just desk-bound ideals.

It might look contradictory.
But for me, both are on the same 'extension of nursing.' (First, pass the exam, me)

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