[Illustration Worries] Can you get depressed even after becoming the illustrator you dreamed of!?

Hello! I'm Tsune, an illustrator/designer.
This time, I'm scribbling down some thoughts I had while watching a certain illustration critique video, haha.

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"I want to get better and become an illustrator (a god-tier artist)!"

Although that passionate sentiment came across in the video, I have some doubts about this.

Of course, I don't think there's anything wrong with aiming to be an illustrator.
In fact, I was one of those people, so I understand that feeling well.

However, having experienced various things, I think that if your mindset is "I draw illustrations
because I want to become an illustrator", you will eventually burn out.

In other words,

Motivation
→ I want to become an illustrator!

Means
→ Get critiques to improve, draw a lot.

Result
→ Even if you become an illustrator, you can't draw the illustrations you like because it's a job, so it gradually becomes boring or you are plagued by the feeling that this isn't what you wanted.

Isn't that what happens?

It depends on the person, so it might not apply to everyone, but the motivation part is truly important.

In the first place, I think the very beginning for someone who wants to be an illustrator is "I like drawing illustrations".

And then, they admire "illustrators" who make that "like" their job.

Yet, before they know it, instead of "drawing illustrations because I like it," it becomes "drawing pictures because I want to be an illustrator", and it seems many people forget that important preceding step.

Isn't that why the phrase "I can't find the motivation" comes up?

Well, of course it does.

They used to be happy drawing what they liked, but now they are desperately moving their hands to get a job as an "illustrator" and only practicing illustrations that are meant to be popular.

It's fine if the popular illustrations match your own tastes.
However, if they don't, you end up having to keep drawing "illustrations you don't even like."

Whether it's composition or art style, you surely have some "likes" of your own, and not being able to draw them freely is more painful than you might think.

And in the job of an illustrator that you finally obtained, naturally, you are required to draw "illustrations requested by the client" rather than your own "favorite illustrations."

From the perspective of SNS management, you will also need to keep drawing "illustrations meant to be popular" on your illustrator account.

If you only draw such illustrations, I think it's only a matter of time before you start wondering, "Why did I take this job in the first place...?"

And if you leave it like that, you'll get depressed by the gap with reality.

Of course, I am not saying you shouldn't aim to be an illustrator.
What I want to say is, "It's fine to make it your job, but make sure you also draw illustrations for yourself."

In my case, I draw smartphone wallpapers exclusively for myself that I don't post on social media or anywhere else, and that I don't show or give to anyone.
These are what you might call illustrations for strictly personal use."

Since they are for myself, they are full-on fan art, I skip drawing items or details if they are a hassle, I pack them full of my fetishes, and how much I obsess over the colors changes every time.

When I do that, I sometimes start thinking, "If I made the atmosphere like this, it would look even cooler," and I start studying coloring techniques and the like on my own initiative.

If you keep repeating that, your quality will naturally improve.

Back when I was motivated by the reason "because I want to be an illustrator," I was always lamenting things like "my motivation is gone" or "I'm in a slump," but honestly, you don't need any of that.

I want to draw my favorite characters and my own fetishes more beautifully, more coolly, and more cleanly.

Is there any motivation (feeling) greater than that?