Parent-Child Conversation Techniques to Boost Self-Esteem: How to Praise and Scold

"How to Praise and Scold to Raise Independent Children" is a book that explains concrete approaches to "praising" and "scolding" to foster a child's self-esteem and independence. It explains how parents and educators should interact with children in daily life, incorporating psychological perspectives and practical examples.
The importance of how to praise and scold in parenting is often discussed, but at its root lies a major difference: "conditional love" versus "unconditional love." By understanding and practicing this difference, you can significantly nurture a child's self-esteem and independence.

The difference between conditional love and unconditional love

Conditional love is showing parental affection based on a child's behavior. For example, the approach of"praising if they are a good child" or "scolding if they don't listen."If this is repeated, the child will come to feel that"being praised means being loved" and "being scolded means not being loved."On the other hand, unconditional love means constantly sending the message

"You are loved"regardless of the child's behavior. For example, by showing that"even so, you are a precious existence"even when a child is being fussy, the child can gain a sense of security in being loved.

Example of conditional loveSuppose a child begs to have a picture book read before bed. If the parent gets frustrated and decides, "I won't read the book because you were being selfish today," the child may come to believe that "to be loved, I must do exactly as my parent says."


Example of unconditional loveEven if the child is being fussy, read the book first, and then at a calm moment, have a dialogue by asking, "Why were you being fussy earlier?" This allows you to give the child an opportunity to rethink their behavior without withdrawing your love.
The point is to show unconditional love while also conveying your feelings using "I-messages." For example, by expressing your own emotions, such as "I felt sad earlier," the child will also start to consider the parent's feelings.



5 conditions for practicing unconditional parenting

1. Be careful about how you praise and scoldUse specific language that focuses on effort and process rather than ability or results.


2. Rethink your image of the childBelieve that the child has the power to do things on their own, and do not intervene more than necessary.


3. Be a good leaderWhile being close to their feelings, teach them the importance of responsibility that comes with freedom.

4. Rethink your demands on the child
Have realistic expectations based on their age and developmental stage.


5. Have long-term goals for parentingInteract with a long-term perspective that fosters independence and a sense of responsibility.


Concrete ways to praise: 3 stylesPraising is a positive action, but if the method is wrong, it can have the opposite effect.



1. Perfunctory praiseSuperficial praise like "That's amazing" or "You're good at that." It lacks specificity and the true meaning is hard to convey.


2. Person-centered praisePraise that mentions personality or appearance, such as "You're kind" or "You're smart." Children tend to seek evaluation criteria externally.


3. Process praisePraise that focuses on effort and trial and error, such as "You worked hard until the end" or "You didn't give up even when you failed." This is considered the most effective.


Being close to a child's emotions and desiresWhen adults demand "Don't cry" or "Hurry up," it is often for the adult's convenience. Children naturally grow by crying and failing.

Also, gender stereotypes, such as "boys shouldn't cry" or "girls should be demure," narrow a child's options. It is important for parents to have flexible views so that children can grow up to be themselves.



Points for interacting to make children independentTo encourage a child's independence, it is important for the parent's approach to be consistent. If consistency is lacking, children are more likely to feel confused about "how far they are allowed to be free" or "what the parent really expects."



1. Clarify the rulesClearly set basic rules in the house (for example, bedtime or cleaning habits). However, if the child questions those rules or wants to talk about their own reasons, it is important to listen carefully to their voice.



2. Give choicesInstead of the parent deciding everything, create situations where the child can choose for themselves. For example, choosing clothes or deciding which picture book to read today; gaining experience in making decisions, even about small things, fosters independence.



3. Accept their "current feelings"Avoid negative words like "It's strange to get angry about something like that" or "Don't cry." Acknowledging the child's emotions and then exploring ways to calm down little by little together leads to growth.



What parents can do with a long-term perspectiveParents need to be conscious of interacting with an eye on the child's future, rather than being trapped only by immediate results or actions.



1. Create an environment that doesn't fear failureWhen a child fails or makes a mistake, it is important to have an attitude of asking, "What could you learn from that result?" instead of blaming them by asking, "Why did you do something like this?" Teach them that failure is food for growth.



2. Parents themselves should keep learningBy showing yourself taking on new challenges and continuing to learn, you can naturally teach your child the value that "growth lasts a lifetime." A parent's attitude of enjoying learning has a positive influence on the child.



3. Do not impose your own valuesYour ideals and hopes as a parent are important, but be careful not to let them suppress the child's dreams or will. For example, regarding career paths or hobbies, you should think based on the child's interests, not the parent's desires.



How to foster self-esteem based on loveChildren with high self-esteem are easier to overcome when facing difficulties. This is fostered with unconditional love as the foundation.



1. Give them a sense of security that they are loved even if they failMake it a habit to convey, "Even if you make a mistake, I still care about you just as much."


2. Not just praising, but acknowledgingBe conscious of words that acknowledge the child's very existence, even without doing anything special. For example, telling them "I was happy to spend time with you today" makes them feel the significance of their own existence.


3. Share emotionsBy parents honestly expressing joy, excitement, sadness, etc., it becomes easier for children to open up about their own emotions.
Both "unconditional love" and "how to foster self-esteem" in parenting require a long-term approach. Small daily accumulations form the strength of a child's heart and become the power that supports their future independence.