The intense anxiety of being 'a nobody.' My inferiority complex in my 40s made it impossible to swallow food.
When pure passion turns into 'obsession'
The thrill of using 'a certain foreign language' to post on YouTube and earning money under my own name for the first time. However, that small success experience gradually began to warp 'something' inside me.
Once you start YouTube, there is a wall everyone aims for. The 'monetization' requirements of 1,000 subscribers and 4,000 hours of watch time. The video creation that I had started with the pure intention of 'being useful to someone' was eventually completely dominated by thoughts of 'how can I increase the numbers' and 'how can I monetize'.
Why was I so obsessed with the numbers? It was because a massive 'inferiority complex' that I couldn't overlook was swirling inside me.
The 'wall of my 40s' that blocked my escape route and the loss of my strongest card
I easily quit my job as a temporary pharmacist earning 2,800 yen an hour out of fear during the COVID-19 pandemic. When I looked at myself objectively, what remained was the reality of being 'a childless housewife who contributes nothing to society.'
While my peers were building careers or struggling with child-rearing, I felt an intense anxiety that I alone was cut off from society and producing nothing. That is precisely why I clung so abnormally to YouTube, the 'only hope that I might be able to earn money on my own.'
'If it doesn't work out, I can just go back to being a pharmacist, right?'
The old me might have been able to laugh that off. But the me at that time no longer had the confidence to play that 'strongest card.'
Before I knew it, I was over 40. I also had a gap in my career. 'If I go back to the field now, I'll just be a burden.' 'I don't have the knowledge of new drugs or the physical strength to handle that grueling work anymore.' The platinum ticket I thought would keep me secure for life had completely rusted while I kept it in my pocket without using it.
The day my body finally rejected 'food'
I couldn't monetize YouTube, and I wasn't contributing to society. Yet, I didn't have the confidence to return to being a pharmacist. 'I really have nothing.'
The pressure of being backed into a corner and self-loathing were definitely eating away at my heart, and eventually, they bared their fangs at my body. From one day on, I suddenly couldn't swallow food.
Even though I knew I was hungry, when food was in front of me, I felt a tightening sensation in the back of my throat and couldn't swallow. If I tried to force myself to eat, nausea would well up.
The act of 'eating,' which I should have loved, suddenly turned into agony. Even when friends invited me to lunch, fear would take over, thinking, 'What if I can't eat and end up making them worry?' and I would make up excuses to decline.
In the darkness without an exit
The former pharmacist who used to care about patients' health across the counter every day was crushed by her own invisible stress and finally couldn't even eat. My weight dropped, and the person reflected in the mirror had a terribly tired face.
When I lost my identity while living in the U.S., I still had the energy to crawl back up through the action of 'learning English.' But this time was different. Crushed by the anxiety of being a nobody, my body itself had gone completely on strike.
A dark period with no exit. Will I never be able to enjoy a meal for the rest of my life?
At the bottom of that despair, another turning point visited me. The fate of a wife of a transferred employee. My husband received an order for a 'transfer to a regional city.' And this move would cause the hands of my stopped clock to move significantly once again.