The Journey to Resolving Unease Toward My Mother #1
*January 28, 2026
I have corrected parts that felt off upon re-reading.
I have felt a knot in my heart regarding my mother since I was small.
When such feelings began to bubble up,
today, I will write about how, around the time my mother was discharged from the hospital and returning to daily life,
I confronted her with those uneasy feelings,
and by talking it out, that past knot became smaller.
When I stopped by my parents' house to help with chores,
(What was the start of it all...)
In response to my mother complaining about something,
( Complaining again. It's always like this. )
I felt unpleasant memories from the past resurface.
"Do you remember Mother's Day in the past? How incredibly hurt I was"
An unpleasant memory from my childhood
I believe I was in the second or third grade of elementary school.
(Thinking that my mother, who hung out a mountain of laundry every day, looked like she was having a hard time)
so that she could grab clothespins quickly,
I gave her a handmade gift for Mother's Day.
At the time, the clothespins were in a small basket,
and it looked like she struggled when taking them out.
So, I neatly folded a rectangular piece of cloth, ironed it,
attached clothespins around the perimeter, and made something to hang on the laundry pole.
However, my mother's reaction was, 'What is this? This is hard to use.'
She didn't even look at it, just tossed it aside.
Admittedly, I think it was a 'what is this?' kind of item.
But, the me at that time thought,
( I went to all the trouble of making it! Isn't a parent supposed to be happy even if it's just a polite gesture?)
The emotions I had suppressed at that time grew larger and larger.
"If I were a parent, I wouldn't treat something my child made like that, and I wouldn't say things like that. You really complained a lot, didn't you?
"
My mother, looking surprised, said,
"
Did I say such terrible things? Did I do such a pitiful thing?" she said.
Hearing those words, I felt a bit let down, and she began to talk about that time.
My young mother's hardships
・In a large household, she was desperate to do everything and had no breathing room.
・Even when she went back to her parents' home and told them, she was just lectured, which was painful.
Our house was a business,
and it was a large household living with my father's parents, my father's unmarried siblings,
and store employees who lived in.
As the daughter-in-law, she spent every day like a maid, preparing three meals,
and was busy taking care of everyone,
so it must have been very hard at that young age.
My father was serious and quiet, but dedicated to his work.
He was a craftsman type and not good with words.
I don't think he could express himself well to my mother.
Now that I am an adult,
I understand well the feeling of wanting to complain at least once.
However, as a child, I hated it when my mother complained about my father or the difficulty of housework.
In the first place, I had heard that it was my mother who wanted to live together.
When I asked her in elementary school why she came to such a difficult house,
she said she thought it would be more fun if everyone was together.
Indeed, I had never heard her complain about my grandparents or other family members.
She was someone who loved having many people gather more than anything.
My mother, who says it wasn't painful
Mother: 'Did I complain that much?'
Me: 'Yeah, you were often angry about something.'
Mother: 'Really? I don't remember. I do remember that I was trying my best. I suppose I must have been angry at myself for not being able to do things.'
Me: 'At yourself? You don't have any memories of it being painful?'
Mother: 'Yeah, I don't.'
By expressing it, we were able to talk,
and my heart felt a little lighter.
Perhaps I could have been more careful about how I brought it up to my mother, but I felt glad that I was able to talk it out by sharing my
inner turmoil.
I am not sure if she has lost the memory, but by acknowledging that
there are no painful memories and that
the way she treated me back then was terrible, my heart was somewhat healed.
Until then, even though I knew her irritability was due to illness,
I sometimes hesitated to speak to her kindly.
As the sadness within me healed, I felt the negative emotions toward her
shrink just a little bit.
However, the unease toward my mother was still there.
For now, this is (Part 1), and I will continue later.
Thanks to having these kinds of exchanges every now and then,
I believe I was able to be involved in her care without any regrets at the end,
and was able to see her through at home.
My mother loved her family, worried about us, and was nagging.
In her time, she saw that as the norm and was just doing her best, wasn't she?
Thank you for raising us.
Now, please rest peacefully in heaven and get along with everyone.
Our ancestors are there too, so you won't be lonely.
However, through my mother, I developed a resistance to gender roles, the expectations of a daughter-in-law, the family system, and the
imposition of how things should be.
Regardless of gender or disability,
I wish for a world where no one has to bear burdens alone or endure,
where we don't trap ourselves in conventional wisdom,
and where each person can interact more proactively and freely,
making it an easier world to live in.
People change. The future can be changed.
I will strive daily to put this belief into action.
Thank you for staying with me until here.
May you have a wonderful day today.
#UneaseTowardMother, #ParentAndChild, #Caregiving, #Dialogue, #Resistance, #Imposition