A Dialogue with the 'Loneliness' Sleeping Within Me

"I am lonely"

Even though I felt an unbearable loneliness,
I pretended not to notice it,
always hiding myself from something or someone,
so that my loneliness would not be discovered,
and spent my days that way.

"I am lonely"

"I am alone"

"I want to cling to something"

"I don't want to feel this loneliness"

"I want to protect myself from these lonely feelings"

Recently,
the lid on the 'loneliness'
sleeping within me has finally been opened.

I have suffered because the desire
to be understood was so strong,
but it was my lonely self that I wanted to be understood...

"For some reason, I always end up alone"
"I choose to be alone myself"

Because I didn't want to feel the loneliness
that I carry within myself,
I have deliberately chosen to be alone.

Even though it's such a simple thing...
even though I am facing myself so much,
why is it that I don't notice it?

Perhaps the things about myself
that I want to hide,
which are so deep that I cannot understand them myself,
are actually my true self.

That is why
I think of it asa 'treasure'.

I am playing a game of finding
the treasure I have hidden myself.

I have found another treasure again 💎

Even though I was this lonely,
why couldn't I
notice my own feelings?

Even though I wanted to cling to something because I was 'lonely',
I couldn't admit my own loneliness,
and I kept thinking,
'I have to handle this on my own!'

I didn't want to depend on anything out of loneliness anymore,
and I had become afraid of losing things.

If I depend on a partner,
I become afraid that I will lose them someday.

'It's better to be alone than to risk losing someone,'
I thought,
so I wanted to become a person strong enough
that I wouldn't have to feel lonely.

I feel like it accelerated even more
after I lost my parents.

'They're going to leave anyway, right?'I would say.

I couldn't admit my lonely feelings,
or my weak self.

I realized that this is linked to
my relationship patterns.

Even if I want a partner,
the 'fear of losing' wins out,
so I cannot get what I truly want.

'I am alone anyway.'

'It is better not to have it than to lose it.'

I have been acting in ways to make that happen,
because I didn't want to feel lonely, didn't I?

Saying 'I want a partner' was just
an excuse to avoid
feeling lonely.

My true heart is,
'If I'm going to lose it, I don't want it.'

After breaking up with the girlfriend I loved before,
I buried myself in work and hobbies
because I wanted to fill the loneliness.

That is why,
I turned a blind eye to my truly lonely self,
and could not even realize that I was holding onto the fear of loss.

The reason I couldn't make relationships work
and couldn't date anyone
was because the fear of loss was stronger, wasn't it...

When I faced my feelings of 'loneliness',
the reasons why my relationships weren't working out
finally connected.😔

The actions I took to avoid feeling lonely
ended up magnifying that loneliness,
that's what it was.

After my mother passed away,
I once cried and let out
those feelings of loneliness.

Because the loneliness of being alone
after losing both my parents had surfaced.

But it wasn't just that.

I had felt a sense of isolation since I was a child,
and I had been lonely all along.

Even before losing someone dear to me,
I had been carrying this loneliness all along, hadn't I?

Precisely because my parents were older,
'My parents won't be here forever,'
'Learn to live on your own,'
they would tell me, and
I was raised to be able to live alone.

Now, I understand that was love.

However,
the more I mastered
the art of living alone,
the more my loneliness grew.

'I must do this
in order to live alone.'

In my own mind,
'I will live alone'I realized that I had
this belief.

Because I feel an even greater sense of isolation
when I am in a group,
I do not want to be in a group.

What I feel when I go to places with many people
is a sense of isolation and loneliness.

I feel that more strongly now as an adult
than I did when I was a child.

'I'm lonely, please notice me.'

That's what I've been telling myself all along.

The parts of myself I don't want to see
are things I hold as my own beliefs,
and they are connected to
my past actions and way of life.

I deeply feel that I can only act
in accordance with what I 'believe and hold onto.'

I am the only one
who can open this lid.

No matter how many posts I read, streams I listen to,
or sessions I receive,
if I can't apply it to my own life,
I won't reach the true treasure.

I realized that only after accepting my true feelings one by one
can I reach the beliefs
that I hold dear.

Finally,
I've noticed it and managed to open
the lid of 'loneliness'.

Since opening the lid,
'Is this action to fill a void of loneliness?'
I've started to think that way.

No matter how much you try to fill it with other people, things, or actions,
the emptiness cannot be filled.

Saying you understand that, and then
thinking, "I have to do something about this myself!"
is also not quite right.

I was just
trying to deal with it myself
and running away from my loneliness.

Just feel, "I am lonely right now."

When I think, "I'm feeling lonely right now," I feel a sense of relief,
so I suppose I just wanted to be noticed after all.

I believe that noticing your own loneliness
and having a dialogue with yourself
is the way to fill that loneliness.

The lonely version of me is also cute, isn't it?

Every version of me is cute.

Every version of you is cute, too.

Isn't it okay to fall in love
after accepting that 'I am lonely'?
That's what I was able to think 😌

'The lonely me' is also
my true self, so I will accept that too.

For those who want to face themselves,
I am waiting for your message via LINE 🌈✨
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