You don't have to pretend that the sad feeling of 'it wasn't what I expected' didn't happen.

I was the one who expected it on my own,
I was the one who did it with ulterior motives on my own,
the other person's feelings are their own issue,
and I only did it because I wanted to.

Yes, that is true, and ultimately it is important to bring yourself to that mindset.

But you know.

If you jump straight to that, it's painful, and you aren't cherishing yourself.

Before that,

Feelings that came from within you.
That is who you are.
Feelings just come up on their own, after all.
Cherish them.

You were sad, weren't you?
You don't even need that kind of metacognition.

I'm sad.
It hurts.
I'm just not good enough anyway.

It's okay to keep sinking lower.
You don't have to be afraid.

When you sink and sink and sink, you get tired of it.

You'll let out a sigh.

That's when it starts, from there,
well, maybe the other person was busy.

I was just expecting it on my own.

I was just thinking I would be thanked on my own.

The other person's feelings belong to them. It's their issue.

Even so, it was painful.

Yeah, that's right.

This, you know, it takes time, surprisingly.
It will probably take two or three days.

So, I'm going to leave it gray.

When emotions come up, let them out.

You can write them on paper, or you can make a note of them.

Just saying them out loud and feeling them is also good.

This is what it means to cherish yourself.

Cherish yourself.
Value yourself.
Build a foundation for your heart.
Learn to like yourself.
Fill yourself up first.

There are many ways, but

how do I do that?
what should I do?

Don't you think that?

Feel your emotions.

Leave the negative ones as they are, too.

It's not even about looking at them from a bird's-eye view.

Just feel that it's painful as it comes up.

Old wounds might throb, sad memories from childhood might come back, or feelings of 'what's the point' might come up a lot.

But it's okay to leave them as they are.

And, people say things like 'feel them completely,' but you can't do that either, so don't aim for that.

While doing that,
Well, I did it to myself, didn't I? Haha.

And gradually, you'll be able to laugh about it.

So, what should I do about the distance between me and that person?

Things like that.

Maybe I'll try turning off notifications for a bit, or something.

Maybe I'll try muting them, or something.

That is what a boundary is.

The other person has that right too, so I'm sure I've been muted without knowing it, blocked without knowing it, and disliked without knowing it.
It's sad, though.

But that's what human relationships are, right?

It doesn't have to be 'I felt a little bad, so I'll block them immediately.'

It doesn't have to be like that.

Zero or a hundred, white or black might seem easier at first glance, but in the long run, I think gray is important.

Very important.

Gray is very important.

It's not about balance. It's gray.

I've been practicing gray areas for a long time, but
thanks to Niwanin-san and many others who always support me through membership,
I've started to be able to do it.

Then,
Yuno-san told me on Stand.fm that I'm good at maintaining loose connections. (I'm not sure if she said it in this specific episode, sorry about that)

I was surprised.

Because boundaries have been something I've struggled with for many years.

Since I'm asking Yuno-san for PR, it's a service where she finds my good points, so she praises me every time.

Even so, I don't think she's the type of person to say superficial things she doesn't mean, so I was happy.

While I tell myself not to get carried away since it's PR, I listen to her Stand.fm every day and build confidence by realizing I have these good qualities.

So, from now on, I will prioritize taking care of myself first.
I will cherish my own emotions.

Gratitude, boundaries, and thinking about things this way—those come after.

This order is important.
Please give it a try.

Even the small, daily feelings of unease will accumulate into confidence in a good way.

◎Special Thanks

Niwanin-san

Yuno-san