[Parenting] 80% of reprimands are for the 'parent's convenience' | How realizing this reduced my self-loathing when looking at my child's sleeping face

Last night, I hurled these immature words at my 3-year-old daughter, who was having trouble falling asleep.

Her small back, silent under the covers.

A fierce wave of self-loathing washed over me.

Is this the only way I can control my child—through threats?

The true identity of an unreasonable 'toxic boss'

At work, when managing my team, I was supposed to be conscious of 'why this task is necessary' and 'how I want them to grow'.

Yet, how am I when I face my child as a stay-at-home father?

"Hurry up!"

"Don't spill it!"

"Be quiet!"

I had become an unreasonable, toxic boss who just barked out impulsive, haphazard instructions.

At a company, a subordinate might point out, "Boss, what you're saying is different from before."

But a child, whose language skills are still developing, can only be confused and shut down in silence.

Why does what I was conscious of at work completely slip my mind when it comes to parenting?

The answer was simple.

I, the parent, hadn't organized for myself 'why I am reprimanding them' in the first place.

Categorizing scolding into four levels

Scolding is not just for increasing the number of 'things not to do'.

It can also be used to support 'becoming able to do things on their own'.

When you think of it that way, the four levels of scolding start to look connected along a single axis.

Level 1 | Absolute Defense Line (Safety of life and body)

The goal is survival. Preventing fatal injuries.

In a company, this is the realm of absolute rules, like preventing major compliance violations or workplace accidents.

Here, you must stop the behavior with 100% force, without question.

However, immediately after ensuring safety, you must always convey the reason as a set.

"Because if you get hit by a car, you could die."

Stopping the action and explaining the background. Don't get the order wrong.

Level 2 | Social Coexistence (Consideration for others and rules)

The goal is the skill to live in a collective society without friction.

This is the same as teaching business manners to a new employee.

Not 'It's bad because you'll get scolded,' but
'If you aren't quiet, the people sleeping will be bothered, right?'

Make it feedback that encourages the other person's perspective.

★ Level 3 | Facilitating household operations (Parent's convenience/Operations)

This is the most important part.

The goal is to save time and effort to keep the household organization running smoothly.

These kinds of warnings certainly have aspects of teaching table manners and social skills. They often overlap with Level 2.

However, looking back at myself, the source of my emotions when saying these things was often less about educational purposes and more about 'frustration over the increase in my own time and effort'.

'Oh, I'm angry right now because it's a hassle to wipe it up.'

Just by realizing that, the anger of saying 'No!' turns into a proposal for operational improvement like 'Please move your plate closer so it doesn't spill.'

Level 4 | Independence support (Fostering self-management skills)

The goal is for them to be able to leave the parent's care and control their own lives.

This is an area that easily becomes micromanagement.

To avoid depriving them of the opportunity to learn from failure, I intentionally watch over them without intervening.

What is being tested is not the child's patience, but the parent's patience.

I would like to add one supplementary point.

These four categories are not perfectly independent.

Things like "drawing on the wall" or "making noise on the train" are both level 2 and level 3.

What is important is not to classify everything perfectly, but to be conscious of what I am prioritizing when I scold my child I think.

Am I scolding them with the same volume?

Running out into the road (level 1) and spilling juice (level 3)

Am I scolding them with the same scary face and the same loud voice?

I used to scold them with the exact same intensity.

The "I won't play with you tomorrow" I mentioned at the beginning is also, in reality, a level 3 issue.

It was just me imposing my own convenience because I wanted some free time.

Even now, there are days when I scold a level 3 issue with a level 1 volume.

But just by being able to pause and ask myself, "What level am I scolding them for right now?", the way I speak to my daughter has gradually changed.

This way of thinking might also be applicable to guiding subordinates or junior colleagues.

This article is an excerpt from the series "Applying Work Thinking to Daily Life."

I have compiled articles on applying the thinking methods I cultivated during my time as a corporate employee to various situations at home into seven chapters.

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I have also written several paid articles.

I've made even the free section worth reading, so please take a look if you're interested.

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Thank you so much for reading until the very end🥹