<Note 4> My sister with zero life expectancy, mediation, and the launch of the Children and Families Agency [Part 2]

Continuing on. Please find the first part here.
<Note 3> My sister with zero life expectancy, mediation, and the launch of the Children and Families Agency [Part 1] | Emi Suzuhara (note.com)

[6] Because I intended to raise her to adulthood

If I were to defend my sister, it is not at all true that a short-tempered mother and a gentle daughter cannot get along, nor is it guaranteed that people with similar personalities will get along as parents and children or as a family.

My analysis of what Sumire was feeling is merely me organizing and reflecting on the events that occurred.

However, what is clear is that my sister fully intended to raise Sumire with her own hands, as a 100% natural matter of course, until she became an adult.

Both before and after she became ill.

I think she had various worries about her life.
That is why her alcohol consumption increased.

Even so, she never doubted it at all. That she would let her go halfway.

"When I was a child, Mom (Dad) often scolded me for things like this."
"My mom was this kind of person..." might have become a funny story once they grew up.

After the mediation began, during the interview with the family court investigator, Sumire herself said,

"I hated that Mom would always scold me, saying 'Eat your food quickly!'"
"I hated that her voice was so loud when she fought with Dad."

...It is certain that she said these things, but in other words, that means "those were her most unpleasant memories."

Even when the investigator asked, "Are there any other things you disliked about your mom when you lived together?", she answered, "
I can't think of any in particular right now. She took care of meals and school things properly. Anyway, it was selfish of her to start this lawsuit." My sister herself was, in a sense, let down by this, thinking, "Is this... is this it? Is this the reason why I can't see Sumire...?"

Was this really

a sin great enough to prevent her from seeing her child even when she had zero life expectancy?

Even so, my sister regretted it.

<Next time I see her, I want to tell Sumire how much I love her and how sorry I am>

[7] I wanted a consultation service

While my sister's mediation was ongoing, I worried every day,
"Where and to whom should I consult about this problem?"

Counseling for children's hearts, consultation services for children... no matter how much I researched, in the end, these places were either for parents to take their children to, or agencies where the children themselves could consult in secret from their parents. It is meaningless if the parties involved are not aware of the problem.
I thought about sending an email to a famous educational critic, but I gave up. Even if I miraculously received a reply, how much effect would it have if I submitted it to the court? In the end, I am an outsider.

And my sister herself told me:

<Thank you so much for looking into various things for me. But, the issues that Sayoko is feeling are things that everyone involved in the court already understands. It's just that nothing can be done about it immediately. We have no choice but to continue the mediation.>

Is that really true?

--No, I understood it in my head, but as a parent who is actually raising a child, I felt something I couldn't accept.

Right now, a child is in a situation where she cannot believe in her mother's love.

I felt that if there was any way to lead this deeply tangled problem to even a slight resolution, it would be for someone to gently tell Sumire, "It's okay to love both Dad and Mom".

Regardless of the arguments of both adults, if you think about what is best for Sumire's heart, isn't that the only way?

Yet why can't we choose the method that would make Sumire's heart the most peaceful?

Adult conflicts are, after all, adult problems.
I think it is against the "best interests of the child" for the child to lose their "right to receive love from both parents" because of that.

Because it's written there, isn't it?
On the UNICEF website, too.

The Children and Families Agency didn't exist at the time, but that was enough for me.

<UNICEF Regarding the Convention on the Rights of the Child>

・Article 3 / Best interests of the child... When matters concerning children are decided and carried out, the best interests of the child must be the primary consideration

・Article 9 / Right not to be separated from parents... Children have the right not to be separated from their parents. Separation may be permitted if it is in the best interests of the child, but in that case, they can meet and consult with their parents.
(From the Japan Committee for UNICEF website)

In my sister's case, what is best for the child?

Because Sumire says "I don't want to see her," not letting them meet—is this the best thing?

--I thought it was different. At least, in the case of my sister and Sumire, it is different.

What adults should do is

"I understand that you currently have feelings of not wanting to see Mom. You've had many unpleasant and painful experiences, haven't you?
But this is something that concerns your entire life.
If you don't see Mom now, you might regret it for the rest of your life.
If you think that 'you chose' not to meet her, your heart might be hurt even more"

Children are scared and sad. That their parents are fighting.
They don't want to see it, and in truth, they don't want to hear it—the criticism of either parent.

How much easier would it be if someone told them, "It's okay to love both Dad and Mom"...

When a child thinks about their parents,
"That person wasn't the father (mother) I thought they were, they were a person with many flaws..."—that is something they can realize for themselves later. Everyone has their own timing.

When a child thinks about their parents, I think whether they were "loved" is far more important than whether they were "wonderful people"
.

[8] The Pain of Children That Is Hard to Visualize

I have a small amount of hope for the future of the "Children and Families Agency."
If this "Agency" had existed back then, would I have searched for a local consultation desk connected to it and sought advice?

—No, that probably would have been impossible.

Even if I had consulted someone somewhere... no, even if my sister herself had consulted someone, I don't think they could have solved the countless individual family problems one by one.

It feels like a circular argument, as the family court exists as a place for such resolutions, and besides, issues like abuse, neglect, bullying, poverty, and young carers would likely be prioritized.

Discussions regarding joint custody, child abduction, parental kidnapping, parental alienation syndrome...
These might be issues whereone does not feel the urgency of a child saying, 'I am hungry right now, I am being subjected to violence'.
They might be properly raised by one parent, wearing clean clothes, eating nutritious meals, going to school, and living a life without any inconveniences.

The problem itself is hard to visualize.
Even so, the child is slowly being wounded in their heart.

After the Children and Families Agency was launched, I thought about this.
I hope that the world will become just a little more sensitive to the pain of children that is hard to visualize.

The role of a government agency is to establish a framework and set rules so that the majority of people do not become unhappy.
If that is the case, I would like them to make this appeal regarding the issue of parental alienation.

“Please do not let children hear their husband's criticism of their wife, or their wife's criticism of their husband.
Children are half father and half mother.
When you criticize the other parent, you are hurting half of the child.”

A while ago, the act of parents using violence against children under the guise of 'discipline' was largely condoned as a 'family matter.' However, since 2020 (Reiwa 2), it has been prohibited by law, and now some parents are even arrested.

The issue of parental alienation will likely not go the same way.
Everyone occasionally lets something slip that they shouldn't have said. We cannot make a fuss about everything being a violation of the law.

Even so, as a social framework, I want them to appeal for this as a common understanding of 'what kind of society makes children happy.'


“Do not let children hear criticism of the other parent—”

Among the lessons I learned from my sister's regrettable death, this is one I can recognize particularly clearly.

Spousal quarrels will likely never disappear.
Out of a desire not to let go of their children, there will be times when parents let them hear criticism of the other party.

—Even so, there is one more thing I cannot help but wish for.

“May the love that truly exists here reach them properly.
May it not be treated as if it never happened.
May the feelings from one human being to another
reach them without being broken—”

Please, I beg of you.

[9] Teach them love, not hatred

Personally, I do not intend to criticize everything my brother-in-law did to my sister—a husband to his wife.
I imagine he has his own side of the story.

—But the children are a different matter.

During the mediation, the judge and the mediators kept saying it, too.

—The children are a separate matter, you see.

At my sister's funeral, my father could no longer hold it in and blurted out:

—A woman as strong-willed as Rikako might have been hard to live with. I get that.
But the children are a different matter, aren't they? You promised you would let them see her...
Just look at the face of a parent who can't see their child every day. It's painful, it's pitiful,
I can't even bear to watch..."

—Sumire was an honest and bright child.
Their marriage may have had its ups and downs, but both of them loved their child deeply.
Having spent a lot of time with my sister's family, I always saw the way the couple looked at their daughter with affection.

So, if not for this, Sumire would have grown up healthy and happy.

A flower-like child, born to be happy, was dragged into the couple's discord, and in the end,

"Mom is putting a curse on Dad. Even if I hear she's going to die soon, I don't want to see her. I heard she got sick on her own and is only living now through sheer willpower."

—That is what she said.

The child was forced to walk a path she should never have had to walk.
It was the adults who made her walk that path.

Now that she is in her first year of high school, what kind of days is Sumire spending?
Our ties have been severed, so I will never see her again.
Even so, I truly hope that the child will worry about things that concern her own life.
Studies, friendships, romance, her future path...
And I hope her home is a place where she can be herself.
That is enough.


May children never have to walk paths they should not have to walk.
May we become a society where the child's heart is truly at the "center."
May the hearts of children be filled with love.
—I am always, always wishing for this.

The End

I will write about my sister again someday.