[Joint Custody] It's Time to Talk About the Essentials—Unless Adults Act Like Adults, Children's Pain Will Not Disappear Under Any System

――I sometimes wonder what we are going to do about the issues that exist before custody.

Currently, deliberations are underway to allow for joint custody after divorce. Even in Japan.

Basically, this is a good thing, and I think it is what should be done.

Even if parents divorce, children can maintain a connection with both their father and mother, and it is moving in a positive direction for the parent who has been unreasonably alienated until now, as well as for the parent who might be alienated in the future.

And of course, if the system is put in place, society may change drastically, and some people will likely be freed from their suffering to some extent.

――However, this assumes that adults act like adults.

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I believe there are words that adults should not say lightly, driven by their emotions.

“You must not go to Dad (Mom),” “Mom (Dad) did terrible things, so I hate them now.”

――So you shouldn't see them either. You shouldn't go. Don't talk about that.

“We are currently in mediation,” “We are going to court,” “We are absolutely in the right,” or “Who do you want to live with?”

　
How much stress must it cause a child to be shown an adult's negative emotions and be dragged into that instability?

――If I were five, I would be sad, anxious, and in pain.

――If I were ten, I would be angry and want them to just stop it.

Of course, there are words and information that must be conveyed. “That person is violent. They will harm you too. So you must not see them.” This is naturally necessary.

This is a separate issue.

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Born into a peaceful situation, given a life where food, clothing, and shelter are not a problem.
That is a happy thing, but suddenly, the ground begins to shake.

--Isn't that the perspective of a child caught up in their parents' discord?

In every life, where we will inevitably encounter unavoidable misfortune someday, if there is any misfortune that can be avoided, I think the conflict arising from parental discord is one of them.

Children do not ask for much.
They just want to live peaceful days and work hard on the things they love.

It is all too easy for adults' instability to steal away that simple wish.

I believe adults must act like adults and do everything they can.
To ensure that children's hearts are not hurt.

It is unavoidable to get a divorce.
There will be times when you fall out of love.

But there is a right way to do things.

You should be able to distinguish between the words you say and the words you keep to yourself.

First of all, 'do not let children hear you badmouthing the other parent.'

To the Children and Families Agency and those involved in the deliberations on parental rights, could you please make this widely known?

--Is that too difficult?

The ones who get hurt the most are the children born from the two of you.

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Even now, under the sole custody system, there are many former couples who raise their children while cooperating, and even in countries with joint custody, there are many former couples who cannot cooperate well and end up in conflict.

What is the cause of that?
In the end, isn't it about the character of the adults and their relationships?


Protecting children's rights, protecting children's hearts.
Unless the adults around them truly feel that this is 'important' and act accordingly, there is no way to protect children's hearts under any system.

I want to think more seriously about adults acting like adults.

Adults have choices. They make various choices in how they live.
Adults can foresee the future. They know that their current choices are connected to the future.

--But children cannot choose anything at all.

Others cannot understand the affairs of a married couple or a family.
I think that might be true.
However, there is one thing that everyone can understand.
And that is that adults are in a position of complete superiority over children.

Adults have a hard time living, too—but children cannot choose anything.

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What memories will remain with you 10, 20, or 30 years from now?

'You can't see Mom (Dad) for this reason'
'We broke up for this reason, so this side is right'

—You were told these things, but do you remember the 'reasons'?

I suspect that all you will really care about is whether you were loved.

And you will be able to think for yourself, research for yourself, and take action.
If you are alive, you will be able to go see your parent.

At that time, what will you feel is the most important thing?

The 'fact that you couldn't see one of your parents' or
the 'lost time and innocence'
might remain much more vividly than your parents' circumstances or emotions.

—Because your parents' lives and your life are separate things.

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My sister didn't divorce until the end, so she had parental rights, but even so, she was separated from her child and couldn't see them. The court issued a ruling to 'let them meet,' but it had no enforcement power, and she passed away without ever seeing them again.

It's not that I wanted them to be forced to meet.
I was just horrified by how much 'bad-mouthing of the other parent' was conveyed to the child during that time.

I think there were attitudes my sister should have changed, too.

The stubbornness between the adults was visible through it all.

As a result, what was left in the child's heart?

It's a problem that goes beyond parental rights.

It is essential, and I think it is fundamental.

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If you like, please take a look at this as well.