[School Non-Attendance] Before Digging Deep into the Heart, Secure the Surroundings

I want to sing with you.

I am Yasushi Edase, a former high school teacher (Japanese language)🐙

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In education, you cannot change others unless you change yourself.
= "Subjective Transformation"

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[Takosen Edase's Footing for Communication]

[Notice]
I have started an official LINE account!
I mainly share information regarding "school non-attendance."

As you read along,
you will acquire perspectives and ways of thinking
that are not bound by common sense or stereotypes,

and both your heart and body will feel lighter‪(˶˙๏˙˶)♡‬

The transformation of the area around Shibuya Station

Yesterday,
I participated in a note offline meetup.

The location was
Shibuya, Tokyo.

While I intend to write about the meetup later,
what left an impression on me was the transformation of the city of Shibuya.

The city of Shibuya is
completely different from when I was a student 20 years ago,

The chaotic and cluttered atmosphere of the early 2000s is gone,

and with modern buildings lined up,
it looked just like a city of the future.

That is no surprise,

starting with the opening of Shibuya Hikarie in 2012,
Shibuya Stream (2018),
Shibuya Scramble Square (2019),
and the Sakuragaoka redevelopment (2023),

new landmarks have been born one after another.

And,
we are in the middle of a massive project that happens once every 100 years,

which will continue until the completion of the Hachiko Square redevelopment in 2034.

Unstable ground

The topography around Shibuya Station is unique.

When Tamori-san first came to Tokyo, he saw the "underground" Ginza Line running "above ground" and

the episode where he was surprised, saying "Tokyo has subways above ground!" is famous,

It is located in the valley floor carved by the Shibuya River, and it is a mortar-shaped terrain surrounded by slopes such as Miyamasuzaka, Dogenzaka, and Sakuragaoka.

This valley floor has a high groundwater level, and it is said that the soil is often soft.

For example,
during the construction of the Fukutoshin Subway Line,
a large amount of groundwater gushed out during excavation,
making the construction difficult.

Whether building a skyscraper,
or digging underground,
there are risks if the ground is unstable.

To prevent ground subsidence or collapse,
prior ground surveys and reinforcement are essential.

If you neglect that,

the building could tilt,
and the surrounding ground could collapse.

Therefore,
in the redevelopment of Shibuya,

securing the ground is,
an essential "preparation".

Securing the surroundings

This idea of "securing the surroundings" is,
also a very important perspective for parents supporting children who do not attend school.

Before trying to dig deep into
your child's "heart",

you first need to
firmly secure the foundation.

Many children suffering from school non-attendance
are in a state of low self-esteem.

"I am no good"
"I cannot accept myself like this" are strong beliefs that

are often
deeply rooted
in their hearts.

In such a state,
if you suddenly try to

get to the core by asking
{"ph": "N_open"}What do you really think?{"ph": "N_close"}
{"ph": "N_open"}Why can't you go to school?{"ph": "N_close"}

There is a risk that you will
end up collapsing the foundation of their heart.

If you try to force a building onto soft ground,
or try to dig deep into it,
the principle is the same as

the building tilting,
and the surrounding area being dragged into the collapse.

If you dig deep while the foundation of the heart is unstable, your child's self-esteem may be further wounded, and you as a parent may also collapse together.

A sense of trust that says, "This person is safe!"

So, what should you do?

First, let's start by "strengthening the foundation."

Specifically, it means building a relationship of trust with your child and fostering an unshakable sense of self-esteem.

The first step is to create a relationship where your child can truly feel,
"It's okay to talk about anything,"
"They will never deny me."

For example,
let's start with small, daily conversations.

"How are you feeling today?"
"Did anything interesting happen?"

Repeat dialogues with light topics, and avoid denial or criticism.

Do not force the topic of school, but listen to the games, anime, and hobbies your child likes.

Such accumulation will gradually solidify the foundation of trust.

I also sometimes tell parents,
"Please be conscious of having conversations without denial."

For example,
instead of saying, "Haven't you done your homework?" ask, "What have you been into lately?"

With just this,
your child's level of mental alertness will decrease.

To foster self-esteem, it is important to continue conveying the message that "you are fine just as you are" through both words and attitude.

For example,
when your child happens to say, "I'm no good because I can't study,"

"That's not true,
you are good at drawing, aren't you?" and praise them specifically.

Or, acknowledge that they voiced their feelings by saying, "I'm happy that you told me even your feelings of thinking you're no good."

This process takes time.

The foundation of the heart cannot be solidified overnight.

If you try to dig deep in a hurry,
emotions may overflow like groundwater,
and things can become unmanageable.

In fact, in one parent-child case I supported,
the mother pressed her child, saying, 'Tell me why you won't go to school!',
and as a result,

the child ended up locking themselves in their room.

From there, for half a year,
we slowly rebuilt trust,

and until the child began to speak their true feelings little by little,
saying, 'Actually, something unpleasant happened during math class...'

we patiently accumulated 'time without judgment'.

When the foundation of a trusting relationship is solidified,
and the stake of self-esteem is firmly
driven in,

only then is the child ready for you to step into
the deeper parts of their 'heart'.

For example,
even when asking for the 'reason for not wanting to go to school',
if there is a sense of security that 'this person will listen to me properly',

the child will find it easier to speak their true feelings
at their own pace.

At this stage,
it is important for the parent to focus entirely on being a 'listener'.

Instead of rushing to propose solutions,
empathize by saying, 'I see, that must have been hard.'

This acts as a 'retaining wall'
to safely dig into the depths of the heart.

Conversely,
it is dangerous to get this order wrong.

If you dig deep while the foundation of the heart is weak,
the child's heart will become even more unstable,
and cracks may form in the parent-child relationship.

Just as a building in Shibuya
would collapse if ground reinforcement
were neglected,

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if you neglect preparation in emotional support,
both parent and child will end up hurt.
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Supporting a child who does not attend school
is not an easy task.

The heart is naive,
and it can be greatly swayed
by even the smallest words or attitudes.

That is why, first, a ground survey

——Carefully assess your child's current state of mind.

And, ground reinforcement

——Patiently nurture trust and self-esteem.

By doing these two things carefully,
can you finally
safely step into the depths of their heart.

Just as the city of Shibuya
built skyscrapers while reinforcing the soft ground of the valley floor,
and paved the way for the future,

parents can also build a future together with their child
while strengthening the foundation of their child's heart.

Without rushing, slowly,
why not start by strengthening the foundation?

That one step
will surely open up
new possibilities in your child's heart.

That is all for today.

Thank you
for reading until the end.
I'm so happy I could blow bubbles! (˶˙๏˙˶)♡

[Notice 1]
I've started an official LINE account!
I mainly share information regarding "school non-attendance."

You can learn things you are passionate about even outside of school!

[Notice 2]
Click here for the "Prescription for School Non-Attendance" magazine.

In modern educational settings,
schools, families, and communities are all facing
the issue of "school non-attendance."

I am writing this
in the hope that it will serve as
a catalyst for a sudden "realization."