How to bring up the topic of graves with parents and relatives
Tips for starting the conversation so you won't have regrets
You know you should talk about the future of the grave someday.
Even if you think that, it is actually quite difficult to bring up.
You might be told it's "bad luck."
“Won't I hurt my parents if I talk about closing the grave?”
“Won't my siblings or relatives think I'm neglecting our ancestors?”
While you're thinking about that, time just slips away.
This is by no means a unique concern.
However, talking about the grave is not about waiting for death.
It is preparation to ensure that your loved ones are not left in doubt in the future.
It is a discussion to ensure that when the time comes, the family won't panic, the deceased won't be treated poorly, and the path for memorial services will be secure.
Talking about a grave is not just about discussing procedures.
It is a conversation layered with the time your parents and relatives have cherished, family memories, and thoughts for the deceased.
That is why, if you jump straight to a conclusion, the other person's heart may not be able to keep up.
What is important is an attitude of not trying to decide everything from the start.
First, start by checking in without damaging the relationship.
Choose your words for that purpose.
In this article, I will organize the mindset for bringing up the topic of graves with parents, siblings, and relatives, as well as words that are actually easy to use.
1. Don't say "closing the grave" right away
The first thing to be careful about is not to start with the conclusion.
For example,
“I can't inherit the grave, so I want to close it.”
“No one can look after it anymore, so we have no choice but to close it.”
“In this day and age, I think it's impossible to keep the grave.”
If you convey it this way, some people may feel a strong sense of rejection.
Even if you intend it as a practical consultation, the person listening might feel:
“They said they would get rid of the ancestral grave.”
“They rejected the time we spent protecting it.”
“It was forced upon me as a decided matter.”
It may be taken that way.
Of course, there are reasons to consider grave relocation or perpetual memorial services.
Living far away.
Cannot visit frequently.
Do not want to leave a burden for the next generation.
The burden of maintenance fees and travel expenses is high.
It is unclear who is responsible.
Thinking about such realities is by no means a bad thing.
However, it is better to choose your first words carefully.
For example, try bringing it up like this.
"I don't want to decide anything right now, but I'd like you to tell me a little about the grave."
"I just want to confirm the location and the name on the registration so that no one will be troubled in the future."
"Precisely because I want to cherish the grave, I'd like to talk once about how we will maintain it from here on."
In this way, if you start by saying "I want to confirm things first" rather than "whether or not to close the grave," it will be easier for the other person to accept.
The initial goal is not to reach a conclusion.
It is to open the door to discussion.
2. At first, say "I want you to tell me" rather than "what should we do"
When you start talking about graves, if you try to decide on a policy right away, the conversation becomes heavy.
"What to do in the future."
"Who will inherit it."
"Will we close the grave?"
"Will we opt for perpetual memorial services?"
Such topics may become necessary eventually.
However, if you head straight there from the beginning, the other person will become defensive.
Do not turn the topic of graves into a major decision right away.
Just by doing that, the hurdle for dialogue will drop significantly.
First, please convey that you "want to know" rather than "want to decide."
For example,
I want to know the exact location of the grave.
Please tell me who is buried there, as far as you know.
I want to confirm where the maintenance fees are being paid.
I want to know who the grave is currently registered to while I still can.
If you frame it as a confirmation like this, it will be easier for the other person to talk about it.
First of all,
Where is it located?
Who is buried there?
Who is managing it?
Who should I contact?
Starting with that level of information is enough.
Instead of asking whether or not to close the grave, first focus on making the unknown known.
That is where you should begin.
3. Do not deny the time they have spent maintaining it
For parents and older relatives, a grave is not just a stone tower.
It is the place where they said goodbye to their parents.
The place where they said goodbye to their spouse.
The place they have visited during Obon and the equinoxes.
The place where they have folded their hands in prayer at every family milestone.
Their own personal time has accumulated there.
Therefore,
It's too far, so it's impossible.
We can't manage it anymore, so it can't be helped.
Graves don't fit in with the modern era.
It will be a burden if left to me.
It is better to avoid saying things like this.
Even if it is true that maintenance has become difficult, if those words come first, the other person will hear it as their time spent maintaining it being denied.
When talking about graves, saying the right thing does not always mean it will be understood.
If you try to close a grave with logic, the other person will try to protect it with emotion.
Even if you win the argument, the memorial service will not be successful.
The first thing to establish is gratitude.
"Thank you for taking care of the grave all this time."
"We also want to cherish it, so we would like to talk about the future."
"We don't want to decide things on our own; we want to hear your thoughts first."
Just having this one sentence changes how the conversation is received.
Express gratitude first. Then, talk about your concerns for the future.
If you get this order wrong, even if the content is correct, it will be difficult for it to reach the other person's heart.
4. Communicate your own circumstances as "concerns" rather than words of blame
It is necessary to value the other person's feelings.
However, that does not mean you should swallow your own circumstances.
The children's generation, or those who will actually be in the position of maintaining the grave from now on, also have their own realities.
Living far away. Being unable to visit frequently due to work or family commitments. We ourselves are getting older. It is difficult to pass it on to the next generation. The burden of maintenance fees and travel expenses is heavy. It is not decided who will take the lead in maintaining it.
If you keep these things to yourself without saying them, it will become an even greater burden later.
However, you need to be careful about how you convey them.
For example,
"It's impossible because it's too far."
If you say this, it sounds like a rejection.
However,
"I want to cherish it, but I am worried about whether I can visit it enough at the current distance."
If you say it this way, the meaning changes.
Saying "I can no longer manage it"
can sound like you are just giving up.
However,
saying "I am worried that if we leave things vague like this, we might end up being disrespectful"
conveys your desire to honor the memorial process.
Saying "I cannot make my children take it over"
can sometimes come across as cold or dismissive.
However,
saying "I want to avoid leaving a heavy burden on the next generation without them knowing what to do"
conveys that you are thinking about the entire family.
The important thing is
not to say "I don't want to maintain it"
but rather
to say "Because I want to cherish it, I want to think of a way that we can continue to do so without strain."
that is what you should convey.
Instead of blaming the other person, talk about it as your own concern.
That makes it easier for the conversation to continue.
5. When you are opposed, do not try to persuade them all at once
When you bring up the topic of graves, the other person may not accept it right away.
"It's too early to talk about such things"
That's bad luck.
You should be the ones to look after it.
Getting rid of the grave is out of the question.
I don't know what the relatives will say.
I think you may be told things like that.
At such times, it is better not to argue back immediately.
But it's realistically impossible, isn't it?
That's why we have to decide now.
This is not the time to be saying things like that.
If you reply like this, it becomes a push-and-pull, not a discussion.
First of all,
I don't want to decide right now.
I don't want to reach a conclusion today, I just want to know a little bit.
Because it's an important matter, I don't want to decide it all at once, and I hope we can talk about it again.
Please tell them that.
The topic of graves is not something that can be concluded in a single conversation.
Even if you are refused at first, by giving it time, the other person's way of accepting it may change.
Obon or the equinox.
After a memorial service.
On the way back from visiting a grave.
A quiet time after relatives have gathered.
In such situations, you can add words little by little.
The more you rush the topic of graves, the more complicated it can become.
I think the time spent waiting for the other person's feelings to catch up is also a part of memorial services.
6. Do not leave siblings or relatives saying, "I haven't heard about this"
The topic of graves is not always something that can be resolved between parents and children alone.
Siblings.
Aunts and uncles.
Relatives from the main or branch families.
The person registered as the grave user.
The person who has actually been paying the maintenance fees.
Those who may not be involved on a daily basis but have strong emotional attachments.
There are cases where such people exist.
It is not necessarily only when you are "opposed" that things get complicated with grave removal or relocation.
In fact, it is more common to encounter reactions like:
"I wasn't told about this."
"You decided this on your own."
"This concerns me too, yet I was only told after the fact."
This is how they perceive it.
Therefore, even if it is difficult to get complete agreement from everyone, it is better to talk to those who are closely involved as early as possible.
Here too, please present it as a consultation rather than a conclusion.
"I have decided to remove the grave."
Instead of saying that,
"I would like to consult with you about the future of the grave."
"I am not deciding anything right now, but I want to share the situation with you."
"I want to talk to you beforehand so that you won't be surprised later."
Phrasing it this way makes it easier for the other person to accept.
When it comes to graves, the correctness of the procedures alone is not enough.
Who knows about it?
Who have you told?
Whose feelings have you left behind?
That consideration is exactly what will greatly influence your future relationships.
7. When it is difficult to handle within the family, consult the temple
When you try to discuss the topic of graves only within the family, it can sometimes become emotional.
There are things you cannot say precisely because you are parent and child.
There are things you cannot compromise on precisely because you are siblings.
There are times when discussions become complicated precisely because of your long-standing relationship.
Such situations do occur.
In such cases, consulting the temple or the cemetery administrator is one possible approach.
However, consulting the temple is not for the purpose of having them decide the family's conclusion for you.
What has been decided and what has not.
Who needs to be consulted.
What documents or information are required.
Which topics do not need to be decided right away.
Where should you start the conversation.
It is to organize these points.
The temple is not a place to rush your decision.
At Saishoji Temple, at the very least, we value consultations held before a conclusion has been reached.
"I don't know how to talk to my parents about this."
"My siblings and I have different opinions."
"Before even deciding whether to close the grave, I don't know what I should be checking."
It is perfectly fine to come at that stage.
Sometimes, just organizing the situation together can help you see what needs to be discussed next.
Phrasing to avoid and phrasing that is easier to use
Finally, let's organize some words to use when starting the conversation.
What you want to avoid is phrasing that denies the time the other person has protected.
For example,
"We have no choice but to close the grave now."
"There's no one to inherit it, so it can't be helped."
"In this day and age, we don't need a grave."
"We can't manage it, so let's get rid of it."
"It's too far away, so it's impossible."
Even if you don't mean any harm, words like these can sometimes hurt the other person.
Instead, try starting with phrases like the following.
"I don't want to decide this right now, but I'd like you to tell me a little about the grave."
"I want to confirm at least the location and the name on the deed so that no one will be troubled in the future."
"Precisely because I want to cherish the grave, I'd like to talk once about how we will look after it from here on."
"If I don't find out now, I might end up doing something disrespectful when the time comes."
"I don't want to decide things on my own; I want to hear your feelings first."
The way you choose your words makes a big difference when talking about graves.
Even if the content is the same,
"I want to get rid of it"
is how it might sound, or
"I want to confirm things so we can cherish it"
is how it might be conveyed.
There is a big difference there.
In conclusion
It certainly takes courage to bring up the topic of graves.
Will I hurt my parents' feelings?
Will my relatives oppose it?
Will they think I am neglecting our ancestors?
Feeling hesitant like this does not mean you are neglecting your ancestors.
On the contrary, it is precisely because you care about them that you cannot bring it up easily.
Talking about graves is by no means "waiting for death."
It is a conversation to ensure that the time you have protected until now is not treated lightly in the future.
It is preparation to ensure that your loved ones are not left in doubt from here on out.
The first word does not have to be a conclusion.
"I would like you to tell me a little about it."
You can start from there.
You do not have to decide everything at once.
You do not have to provide an answer immediately.
You can listen to the other person's feelings while gradually sharing your own circumstances.
The accumulation of those small conversations will lead to a path of memorial services with fewer regrets.
At our temple, we also accept consultations regarding grave closure, relocation, and perpetual memorial graves.
Even if it is difficult to talk about it just among family members, it is fine to start by simply organizing the situation.
"I don't know what I should ask."
Please feel free to talk to us at that stage.
Next time: What should I bring when consulting with a temple?
Even when people decide to consult, many feel they "do not know what to prepare."
Next time, I will talk about the information that is helpful to bring to make your consultation with the temple go smoothly.
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