What to bring when consulting with a temple
To make consultations about grave relocation, reburial, or perpetual memorial services go smoothly
“I understand that I should consult with the temple, but I don't know what I should bring.”
When people start thinking about grave relocation, reburial, or perpetual memorial graves, many feel anxious in this way.
“I haven't decided anything yet.”
“I haven't been able to talk enough with my relatives.”
“I don't know the posthumous name or the date of death exactly.”
“Is it okay to consult in this state?”
Some people hesitate to consult because they think this way.
However, you do not need to know everything from the beginning.
Consulting with a temple is not a place to bring a finished answer.
It is a place to first organize the current situation together.
Rather,
“I don't even know what I don't know.”
It is fine to come at that stage.
If you are unsure, just these three things are enough to start with.
A photo of the grave
The name of the deceased to the extent you know it
What you are currently having trouble with
Even just this is enough to start a consultation.
This time, we will organize the information that will make it easier to proceed when consulting with a temple about grave relocation, reburial, and perpetual memorial services.
1. First of all, it is helpful to have photos
If you are wondering what to bring, start with photos.
Photos taken with a smartphone are fine.
For example, having the following types of photos will make it easier to confirm details.
The entire gravestone
The burial record (bo-shi)
The section where the posthumous Buddhist name (kaimyo) or dharma name is engraved
The name of the person who erected the grave
The entrance to the cemetery
The area surrounding the grave
The memorial tablet (ihai)
Past memorial service notices
Maintenance fee notices or contract documents
There is surprisingly much that can be learned from photographs.
The posthumous or secular names engraved on the gravestone.
The name of the person who erected the grave.
The arrangement of the burial records.
The spatial relationship of the grave site.
The age of the stone and the texture of the characters.
These can sometimes serve as clues to cross-reference with the temple's past records or cemetery register.
Photographs become important reference materials for the chief priest.
Things that are vague in the family's memory can sometimes be confirmed together while looking at the photos.
Do not worry if there are old or difficult-to-read characters.
Even if they cannot be read on the spot, you can check them later if you have a photo.
It is difficult to take detailed notes in front of the grave.
To begin with, just taking photos of the entire gravestone and the burial record will be a great help for your consultation.
2. Information known about the deceased
The next thing that is good to have is information known about the deceased.
For example,
Secular name, name used during lifetime
Kaimyo (posthumous Buddhist name) or Homyo
Date of death
Relationship
Time of passing
Photos of the mortuary tablet (ihai) or family register (kakochō)
Invitation for the memorial service
Copy of the stupa (toba) inscription
and so on.
It is best if you have accurate information.
However, that does not mean you cannot consult us if you do not know these details.
"Grandfather"
"Grandmother"
"Father"
"Mother"
"Grandmother from the main family"
"Previous generation"
"Someone who passed away around the end of the Showa era"
"Someone who passed away when I was in elementary school"
Such descriptions are perfectly acceptable.
With older graves, it is sometimes difficult to immediately connect the names used within the family with the formal names or posthumous Buddhist names.
Also, there may be cases where the names of the deceased are not clearly known.
Even in such cases, we will never turn you away.
It is fine to check things one by one while comparing the grave monument inscriptions, family registers, cemetery ledgers, and family memories.
How many sets of remains are interred?
How many spirits are there?
It is fine if you do not know accurately from the beginning.
It is precisely because there are things you do not know that I would like you to consult with us early on.
3. What is known about the grave
When consulting about grave relocation, reburial, or perpetual memorial services, it is important to know where the current grave is located.
To the extent that you know, it is helpful to have the following information.
Name of the cemetery
Name of the temple or memorial park
Name of the communal cemetery
District name
Common name of the cemetery
Grave plot number
Name of the registered grave user
Recipient of maintenance fee payments
Name of the administrator or representative
It is fine if you do not know the official name of the cemetery.
Depending on the region,
"The communal cemetery in the XX district"
"The grave behind the family field"
"The graveyard on the mountain"
"The grave known by the house name"
It may be understood by its local name, as shown above.
Please feel free to describe it as you know it.
Also, the person listed as the user on documents may differ from the person who is actually maintaining the grave.
The registration is still in the grandfather's name.
The eldest son is paying the maintenance fees.
Other relatives have been taking the lead on memorial services.
I know the location of the grave, but I do not know who the administrator is.
Situations like these are not uncommon.
What is important is not to have everything perfectly prepared from the start.
It is to distinguish between what you know and what you do not know.
Once that becomes clear, it will be easier to organize who you should check with next.
4. Information regarding the situation of relatives
When consulting about a grave, not only information about the deceased and the cemetery is important, but also the situation of your relatives.
This is not to blame anyone.
It is to prevent misunderstandings later, such as:
"I wasn't told,"
"It was decided without my permission,"
"This was a matter that concerned me too."
It is to prevent such disagreements.
It is fine if you have not obtained the consent of all your relatives at the time of the consultation.
However, letting us know the following to the extent that you are aware will make it easier to consider how to proceed.
Who is currently managing the grave?
Who is paying the maintenance fees?
In whose name is the cemetery plot registered?
Have you spoken to your siblings?
Have you informed your older relatives?
Is there anyone who might oppose it?
Are there any relatives you have not been able to speak with yet?
The relationship between the person consulting and the deceased
As I mentioned in Episode 5, discussions about graves do not always end with just parents and children.
Siblings.
Uncles and aunts.
Relatives from the main or branch families.
People who may not visit the grave often, but hold strong feelings in their hearts.
There may be such people involved.
Therefore, when consulting with a temple,
"Who have you spoken to, and who have you not yet spoken to?"
Please let us know as much as you can.
Having that information makes it easier to organize whether the matter can proceed immediately or if it is better to check with relatives first.
5. What are you currently struggling with?
It is perfectly fine if you have not reached a conclusion by the time you come for a consultation.
In fact, most people come for consultations without having reached a conclusion.
"I am unsure if I should close the grave."
"I don't know if a perpetual memorial grave is right for me."
"I also have a desire to keep the current grave."
"I don't want to be a burden to my children."
"I don't know how to talk to my relatives about this."
"I want to know the estimated costs."
"I don't understand the procedures for a grave relocation permit."
"I don't know where to start."
Please feel free to talk about these things as they are.
What is important is not to have everything neatly organized before you come.
Where are you struggling right now?
What are you anxious about?
What are you having trouble deciding?
The important thing is to put those feelings into words.
For example,
"I haven't decided to close the grave, but I am worried about the future."
"I would like to hear about perpetual memorial graves, but I haven't been able to talk to my relatives yet."
"I know the location of the grave, but I don't know who is interred inside."
"I don't know how to bring this up to my parents."
Being at this stage is sufficient.
A consultation is not a place to report a conclusion.
It is a place to organize your uncertainties.
6. If you have any documents, please bring them as much as you are able to
You can consult with us using only photos or your memory.
However, if you have documents, bringing them will speed up the verification process.
For example:
Cemetery usage permit
Maintenance fee notice
Information brochure for perpetual memorial graves
Contract documents for the cemetery or burial plot
Past memorial service notices
Application for reburial permit
Copy of the mortuary tablet or family register
Notes shared among relatives
Having these documents makes it easier to confirm the cemetery administrator, the name of the registered user, costs, and potential candidates for interment.
Of course, you can still consult with us even if you cannot find any documents.
For older graves, it is common for no documents to remain at all.
In that case, we will work together to organize where to check, using photos and your memory as clues.
There is no need to think, "I cannot consult because I do not have documents."
Simple checklist before your consultation
Before consulting with the temple, please try to confirm the following to the extent you are able.
Photo of the grave
Location and name of the cemetery
The name of the deceased
Posthumous Buddhist name (kaimyo/homyo) and date of death
The name of the registered owner of the grave site
Maintenance fee records or contract documents
How many sets of remains are interred
The relationship between the person consulting and the deceased
How much has been discussed with other relatives
What is currently causing the most trouble
It is okay if you cannot check off everything.
If you know even one thing, we can start the conversation from there.
Even if you do not know anything at all,
we can work together to figure out
what you need to check first.
In conclusion
It is natural to have many questions when consulting about closing a grave, relocating remains, or perpetual memorial services.
This is not something you experience many times in your life.
In fact, most people are confused because it is their first time.
Therefore, you do not need to have everything prepared before coming for a consultation.
Please bring your uncertainties with you just as they are.
Organizing memorial arrangements begins with finding out together what it is that you do not understand.
Confirm the name of the deceased.
Verify the location of the grave.
Organize who is involved.
Put into words what you are currently struggling with.
Each of these items serves as an important preparation to ensure that the memorial service is not treated lightly.
Consulting with a temple is not an exam.
It is not a place to test what you know
or how many documents you have gathered.
That is not what it is for.
You care deeply about your ancestors and are worried about what to do.
That feeling is the most important thing you can bring.
Even if it is just one photograph,
even if you only remember a little bit of a name,
or even if it is just the anxiety of not knowing anything at all,
we can start by organizing things together from there.
Our temple also accepts consultations regarding grave relocation, reburial, and perpetual memorial graves.
It is fine if you have not decided everything yet.
Please start by telling us what you do know.
Next time: To ensure grave relocation is not just 'disposal'—The order for closing a grave as a memorial service—
Depending on how you proceed, grave relocation can sometimes feel like a mere removal task. Next time, I will talk about the important order for closing a grave as a memorial service.
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