Living from a Base of Peace Instead of Fear
How can I live my life more brightly, easily, and lightly?
The reason I felt life was difficult was that all my words and actions were based on 'fear'.
I was kind to others because I wanted to be liked.
I reached out to people I didn't really click with because I was afraid of losing friends.
Kindness based on fear is born from:
'Not wanting to be disliked'
'Not wanting to be abandoned'
'Not wanting to make others angry'
'Not wanting to be treated poorly'
'Not wanting to be thought of badly by others'
I was perceiving others as evaluators or judges of me. I might have looked kind and calm on the surface, but I was exhausted.
Fear-based kindness, of course, also seeks a return.
Will they return my love in proportion to the effort I spent? Will they continue this relationship? Will they care about me? Where do I rank in this person's life?
And what makes it even more painful is that I would go to even greater lengths to confirm the other person's affection.
'I've done this much, so surely you must like me, right?'
'I've reached out this much, so you'll reach out to me too, right?'
'I treasure you this much, so you don't want to lose me, right?'
But this is less about affection and more about a transaction driven by anxiety.
It starts from the fear (sense of lack) of 'not wanting to be disliked' or 'not wanting to be abandoned,' and I offer costs (consideration, patience, effort) that I don't actually want to pay. As a result, a psychology of equivalent exchange is born: 'Since I paid this much, give me a guarantee of the relationship (love, attention, continuity) as compensation.'
Kindness that comes from a place of abundance is different.
'Well, if this person is in trouble, I guess I'll help.'
'I like this person, so I'll invite them.'
'That looks fun, so let's go together.'
'I don't mind if they say no, but I'll ask.'
This is what I am aiming for. It is a state of choosing based on my own axis while drawing boundaries with others. I want to transition from 'being kind to others to be loved' to 'being kind to others because I want to.'
If a friend I like doesn't invite me or is slow to reply, I want to be able to honestly think that they have their own circumstances and their own freedom.
It goes without saying, but others are not living to fulfill my expectations, and I am not living to fulfill theirs.
I should not deny feelings of sadness, loneliness, disappointment, or shock, but I must not tie them to my own value or self-worth. I must stop using kindness as a 'means to be loved'.
That is precisely why boundaries with everyone are important.
'Regardless of whether you like me or not, I will live my own life.'
I am gradually returning to this mindset.
Eating what I want to eat, even alone.
Listening to the music I want to hear.
Taking photos.
Talking to strangers.
Going to interesting towns.
Eating hot pot with Chinese friends.
Laughing and saying, 'This person is too good at mixing hot pot sauces.'
I am reclaiming that 'my life'.
Romance and friends will come into that.
In the first place, whether it's a friend or a lover, chasing someone who is trying to leave is an act that lowers my own value.
It creates an unequal relationship where I am saying, 'I cannot function unless I cling to you,' and it might even destroy the possibility that time could have solved the issue.
Even if I cling to someone to relieve my current anxiety or fear, it is only a temporary solution and cannot fill the fundamental sense of lack. Trust is also destroyed.
This is a reminder to myself, but human relationships have waves.
If I leave things alone, there is a possibility that in six months or a few years, the other person's situation might change and they might think, 'I want to talk again,' but if I cling and chase them, I might completely destroy even that 'potential for future restoration'.
However, we suffer precisely because it is not that easy to let go in reality. When the fear that 'maybe my friend will abandon me' or 'maybe they will drift away like this' arises, my heart becomes restless and unsettled.
'That person's schedule is full and they are living a fulfilling life. They have clear goals and things they want to do, and an environment to move toward them. Compared to that, what about me? What should I do? Why is it that only they are so fulfilled? If they disappear, how am I supposed to live?'
I lose my composure, and my perspective becomes extremely narrow.
'People are people, I am me.'
From the beginning, the other person and I are walking on completely different tracks. To recognize this, even if I have to force myself, I often tell myself this when I am anxious.
And there is one most important rule. That is, 'do not act while in a state of anxious emotion'.
When dominated by anxiety, I tend to want to persistently ask questions that cling to friends to gain reassurance, or vent my emotions online and repeat searches.
But no matter how frantically I act, my real life has not changed one bit from before I felt the anxiety. Emotions are temporary.
I just need to wait until I calm down. If I distract myself by watching videos or listening to my favorite music and shift my focus to something else, my heart will naturally regain its peace.
Lately, I've been analyzing why life feels difficult and studying the heart.
I've become much calmer and find it easier to live than I did in my student days.
In a world where it's hard to live due to chronic illness, I want to make my heart, at the very least, feel lighter and easier to live with.