To You Who Ran and Ran but Never Felt Fulfilled: A Small, Unfading Light Found at the End of the Darkness of Depression

To you who ran and ran but never felt fulfilled.

This is my personal account of how I was saved by the light of gratitude while undergoing repeated treatment and rest.

If you are currently standing still in the darkness, thinking,“No matter how hard I try, my heart is never full,” or “I don’t know what I’m living for,”then please listen.

Or, if you have been running desperately to meet the expectations of others, wearing your heart and body thin,

would you listen to my story for a little while?

This is the story of how I, who once collapsed on the treadmill of life and nearly lost everything,

found a“small hope”at the bottom of the darkness.

1. The Endless Race: The Trap of the “Hedonic Treadmill”

In psychology, there is a term called“the hedonic treadmill.”

Much like a treadmill at the gym where the scenery never changes no matter how much you run,

it is a phenomenon where, no matter how much external“happiness”a person acquires, they quickly get used to that state,

and continue to run in search of the next stimulus or validation.

You won a large sum in the lottery you had been hoping for.

You obtained the luxury car or brand-name goods you wanted.

You achieved great results at work and were praised by those around you.

In that moment, you are overjoyed, enough to jump for joy.

Your heart races, and you have the illusion that you have become someone special.

But how long did that sense of elation last?

After a few days, or perhaps a few months, that pleasure turns into“the norm.”

Then, a hollow opens up in your heart, and you begin searching for new stimulation once again.

If only I had more money, if only I were more recognized,

If only I were more successful,...

You keep increasing the speed of the treadmill named the desire for approval, moving your legs desperately.

However, no matter how far you run, you will never reacheternal peace of mind.

This is because any happiness provided from the outside is merely transient.

And when your legs, which have been running continuously, get tangled and you fall, you fall into mental illness.

2. The 'Expression' I Found at the Bottom of the Darkness

I myself am a person who ran that very treadmill at full speed and then fell off spectacularly.

One day, suddenly, my heart screamed.

Depression—a darkness that completely covered my life.

I became unable to do a single thing that I had previously taken for granted.

I couldn't even get up in the morning.

Even breathing was exhausting.

The days were filled with nothing but deep loneliness and anxiety that crushed my chest, as color and taste vanished from the world.

It was painful to look at the faces of people who seemed happy.

The people passing by on the street seemed to live in a shining world completely different from my own.

But you know, I understand clearly now.

You cannot tell if a person ishappy or unhappyjust by their outward expression.

There are many people who are crying behind their smiles.

There is just one thing I have come to understand.

It is the expression of those who carry deep anxiety in their hearts or are suffering from illness.

This is because I myself was once in that darkness.

I have stared more than enough at my own eyes in the mirror, having lost their light, and my face, having lost its vitality.

That is why, when I catch a glimpse of my former shadow in the fleeting expression of someone I pass on the street, my heart aches.

You, too, are fighting alone in that darkness right now, aren't you?.

3. Getting off the treadmill and what I picked up

I spent a long, long time at the bottom of the darkness.

I thought perhaps I might never be able to return to a place with light again.

When I was on the verge of giving up, what slowly melted my heart was not a large sum of money or the approval of others.

It was a very small, yet inextinguishable light called gratitude.

It was only after I tumbled off the treadmill that I realized it.

Happiness does not come from achieving something.

When you can be grateful for what is here and now, you are already in a state of happiness.

That I was able to wake up this morning.

That I was able to drink a warm cup of tea.

That the sunlight streaming through the window warmed my skin.

It is okay to fail.

It is okay to face difficulties.

The self that survived today and the world that keeps me alive—try saying thank you to them quietly.

The accumulation of those small gratitudes gradually and surely warmed my frozen heart.

Over a long period of time, I emerged from the darkness of depression and was able to return to the light of remission.

4. Small acts of kindness that seek no reward will eventually come back around

Having returned from the darkness, I stopped running the race to be recognized by others as I used to.

Instead, I began to practice very small acts of kindness in my daily life.

When out, I clean the restroom a little for the next person.

On buses or trains, I quietly give up my seat to elderly people who look tired or those in need.

If someone is lost, I stop and ask if they need help.

It is not for anyone to see.

It is not to report on social media and get likes.

It is a small hand extended quietly, seeking not even a millimeter of reward.

In Buddhist and Zen teachings, this is called accumulating hidden virtue (doing good deeds where no one is watching).

You might even call it a law of the universe.

The modest kindness offered without seeking a reward will eventually come back around,

and when you have forgotten about it, it returns to your heart as an invisible happiness called true joy.

Pleasures given from the outside diminish the moment you obtain them.

However, the gratitude and compassion for others that well up from within you are,

The more you use it, the more it fills your heart, nurturing a deep peace that no one can ever take away from you again.

5. To 'You' Who Are Trembling in the Darkness Right Now

If you, who are reading this article, are currently carrying a deep wound in your heart and trembling in the darkness of depression.

'I have no value in living'If you are continuing to blame yourself like that.

Please, just remember this one thing.

You have fought enough already.

You have truly worked hard and kept running to meet the expectations of others and to be recognized.

So, it is okay to get off that treadmill that is so hard to run on.

You don't have to achieve anything.

You don't have to become someone amazing.

Luxury goods, big money, and many'likes'are not necessary for you right now.

Today, you are breathing and alive.

Just by that alone, you are a person of value.

It is okay not to rush.

It is okay to take one step forward and two steps back.

Try to find just a teaspoon's worth of'gratitude'in this day.

And please say to yourself,'Thank you for staying alive until today'

The small kindness you offer and the heart of gratitude you direct toward yourself,

will surely come back around, and a day will come when you are wrapped in warm light.

Because I know the depths of the darkness, I want to convey this to you with all my heart.

It is okay. You are not alone.

May a gentle light shine upon your tomorrow.

Photo & philosophy donchan