Light Before It Becomes Words

Every time morning comes,
I think of you.
With the feeling that the outline I saw in my dream,
still lingers faintly in my heart,
I stare blankly at the ceiling.
Surely today too,
you are smiling somewhere.
Just that imagination alone,
quietly warms my chest.

The moment I started becoming conscious of you,
was a very small trigger.
The casual tremor in your voice,
the moment my name was called.
The leap of my heartbeat,
from just a fleeting moment our eyes met.
Love always,
begins soundlessly like this.
By the time I realized it,
I had already reached a point of no return.

That day,
you smiled a little shyly.
That smile,
created a season within me.
Before words,
there are moments when emotions start to run.
From that moment on,
in my world,
“eyes that end up finding you”
were born.

Even on the train platform,
or in the casual hustle and bustle,
even when walking down an unknown street,
I started looking for a profile that resembles yours.
Even though I know I can't meet you,
I feel like I might find you somewhere,
and the depths of my chest swell with a little expectation.
Love makes illusions more real than reality.
Just by thinking of you,
a world is born right there.

Your voice is mysterious.
It reaches my heart faster,
than it reaches my ears.
More than the words themselves,
I touch the warmth of your voice first.
When I close my eyes,
only that warmth remains quietly.
Just by remembering it,
it has such a gentle light,
that it almost makes me want to cry.

I have memorized so many of your gestures.
The habit of touching your hair unconsciously.
The habit of lowering your gaze slightly when you speak.
The slightly faster stride when you walk.
Those trivial habits,
fill my day.
Falling in love might be,
the work of gathering up the other person's small “unconscious” moments,
like treasures.

When night comes,
the time I spend thinking of you quietly expands.
The feelings that were hidden by the busyness of the day,
begin to take shape in the darkness.
Wishes that cannot yet be put into words,
little by little, little by little,
rise up from the depths of my chest.
“I want to see you”
“I want to touch you”
“I want you to call my name”
Such feelings that I can't tell anyone,
come back to life in the silence of the night.

The time I spend thinking of you,
is sometimes close to pain.
My chest tightens,
I want to exhale deeply,
or I feel helplessly heartbroken.
But,
if it's this kind of pain,
I want to embrace it again and again.
Because deep within the pain,
your figure is certainly there.

On days I can see you,
the world looks a little more orderly.
As if a cloudy sky is clearing up,
with just one word from you.
As if my body temperature is slowly returning,
with your smile.
I learned that people can be saved so easily,
by just one person.
And at the same time,
I learned that they can also become this fragile.

Every time I see the kindness you show to someone else,
my chest hurts a little.
Even though I love that kindness,
when I realize that kindness isn't directed at me,
somewhere in my chest feels terribly lonely.
Love is not just beautiful.
Hope and anxiety are breathing the same breath.
Even so, the reason I am drawn to you is,
because your light,
is so straight,
that it illuminates even that anxiety.

If,
the day comes when I can stand,
in the center of your world.
If,
the day comes when the word 'me' is,
quietly carved into your future.
Such an impossible dream,
I sometimes seriously believe in.
Because just believing,
warms my heart.
Because you are a person so dazzling,
that I can believe.

If I could say “I love you,”
how would the world change?
Would your expression cloud over,
would you become quiet with surprise,
or would you smile just a little?
Even though I am prepared to accept any answer,
I cannot take that one step forward.
Love always,
grows wishes before it grows courage.
That is why,
I remain unable to say it again today.

When I wish for your happiness,
the depths of my chest hurt a little.
Because I realize,
that the person next to that happiness,
might not be me.
But,
even so, I cannot help but wish for it.
Just imagining the scene where you are smiling,
saves my day.
Love is selfish,
and also becomes more selfless than anything else.
My heart that thinks of you,
quietly goes back and forth between both.

Somewhere in the future,
there are times when I imagine myself,
walking side by side with you.
Talking about trivial things,
walking at the same pace.
Even though that scene is an illusion,
there are times it looks more vivid than reality.
If an illusion is this warm,
I would probably watch it again and again.
The futures where I think of you,
are all too beautiful and heartbreaking.

Even if you fall in love with someone else,
I will surely support your back,
while looking down,
quietly.
Love,
sometimes makes you sacrifice yourself.
Even so,
to the extent that I feel that sacrifice is warm,
I have thought of you.
Mixed with pain and kindness,
how should I put this complex emotion into words?
I still don't know.

Meeting you,
I learned the meaning of “thinking of someone seriously.”
Being fulfilled even when not by your side,
my heart trembling just hearing your name,
and the world moving with just a tiny word.
You taught me everything.
You might not have noticed,
but to me, you were,
a “light” that quietly illuminated my daily life.

And even now,
that light has not faded.
Rather,
it shines brighter today than it did yesterday.
The more I think of you,
the shape of the future changes.
The more I think of you,
I get closer to someone who is not me.
Love changes people.
Gently, and while accompanied by pain,
it certainly makes me stronger.

Someday,
will the day come when I can put these feelings,
into words and deliver them to you?
While fearing that day,
I am waiting for it somewhere.
Will I ever meet the version of myself,
who can stand before you without trembling?
That future is still vague,
and so fleeting it cannot fit in the palm of my hand,
but even so, my wish is slowly growing.

By falling in love with you,
I learned a lot of pain,
and learned the same amount of warmth.
Love is sometimes cruel,
and sometimes becomes a salvation.
To the extent that I feel I can bear all of it,
I fell in love with you.
No matter what kind of ending that produces,
this feeling alone,
will continue to remain as my light.

And today again,
I quietly call your name somewhere in my heart.
Without saying it out loud,
without becoming a voice or a shape,
it dwells in my chest like grains of light.
As a wish that cannot quite become a wish,
I hold it gently and cherish it.

If someday,
a future arrives where you call my name,
everything will be rewarded in that moment.
But for now,
I think of you as "light before it becomes words."
As long as this love continues,
I will continue to quietly pray
toward you again today.

Because being in love with you
is both the beginning
and the end of my day.