[Day 14] Trying to be a 'good person' meant losing something

Trying to be a 'good person' is
not a bad thing.

Being considerate of those around you.
Not ruining the mood.
Behaving in a way that makes others feel comfortable.

These are very important skills in society.

However, if you keep doing that,
something begins to be lost little by little.

That is,

I myself have tried to be a 'good person' for a long time.

Choosing words to fit the situation.
Prioritizing the 'correct' answer for the other person over my own true feelings.
Letting things slide even when I feel something is off.

When you keep stacking these things up,
being a 'good person' becomes the norm.

It becomes the default for communication.

Stepping outside of that
gradually becomes more difficult.

The reason is that to keep being a 'good person',
you need to construct yourself little by little.

Polishing your words to bridge the gap with your true feelings.

Adjusting your attitude to hide any sense of discomfort.

Making the 'other emotions' inside you invisible.

If you keep doing that,
relationships will go well on the surface.

But somewhere, they become thin.

It feels like you are deeply involved, yet there is a distance.

Even though you are talking properly,
the real truth is not being conveyed.

That kind of feeling begins to remain.

That is when I realized.

Being a good person
and
being your natural self
are

They seem similar, but they are completely different.

Being a 'good person' is a way of living where you try not to be out of sync.
Being your natural self is a way of living where you stay as you are, even if you are out of sync.

This difference is huge.

If you keep being a 'good person',
you will make adjustments every time you feel a misalignment.

But if you are your natural self,
you leave those misalignments as they are within the relationship.

So, what happens then?

Relationships that are meant to break will break.
But the relationships that remain become much easier.

It's okay to express your true feelings.

Relationships won't break just because you show your mood.

You don't have to force yourself to be polished; you can just be yourself.

Those kinds of relationships will gradually increase.

I am in that kind of place now.

My old self tried to be a good person.

I have gradually moved away from that,
and now I am trying to be my natural self.

My friends truly understand
that process as well.

They put it into words,
saying, 'You used to be like this, but now you're like that.'

Because of that,
I don't have to force myself to look good.

What I felt during this change is that

continuing to be a 'good person'
was not kindness,
but also a form of self-protection.

To avoid being disliked.

To avoid breaking relationships.

To avoid getting hurt myself.

There were parts of me I protected by doing that.
So, it is a little scary to stop.

But only beyond that point
can you find true relationships.

Stopping being a 'good person' does not mean
becoming careless,

little by little,
showing your true self.

In that process,

what remains and
what drifts away

will naturally separate.

The relationships that remain as a result,

will not be shallow,
will not be forced,
and will truly last.

The more you have played the 'good person' for so long,
the more relieved you will feel once you reach that point.

Because,

you have finally arrived at a place where you don't have to perform.

It is a place that accepts you
as you are, naturally.