Stray Diary: The Difficulty of Living

Starting with a series of recent events, I felt as if a thread had snapped.
The meaning of being alive
The meaning of deciding to extend my student period
The meaning of leaving home
The meaning of being in Cambodia
The meaning of being abroad
The meaning of traveling
The meaning of thinking
The meaning of learning
The meaning of becoming an artist
The meaning of being bound by or obsessed with words
The meaning of personality
The meaning of luxury
How value fluctuates depending on where you are born
My own value
My current global market price
The memory of the moment that moved my heart the most so far
After spending a week thinking about such things, I boarded a plane as if I were exhaling.
Is this what they call a breather?
Maybe not, though.

I was just thinking about various things.
Even though people who don't think about anything are different from those who think hard about something, it's all the same.
I am thinking about something to create, yet it looks like I am doing nothing.
That can't be helped. Nothing visible has appeared yet.
But that feels frustrating and sad.
That is precisely why, when what I am thinking about or what someone else has thought about finally becomes something visible, even if it doesn't catch the eyes of many, I want it to be something that truly pierces the heart of at least one person.

Why do I buy or make food and keep myself alive?
Why did I change the place where I live, even paying living expenses to do so?
Why am I living?
Perhaps, literally, I just wanted to have a 'wild experience'.
Perhaps I just wanted to get interest from others.

Maybe I should have just done nothing.
As long as I can live a minimum life, it is enough for the body.
Even if I lie down and play games, I can physically stay alive.
Even if I watch YouTube all my life, as long as I am alive, no matter what anyone says, that is a perfectly fine life.
Yet, why do we seek more and continue to live?
The meaning of desire and such are things that are useless to think about, but still, I want to live, or sometimes I cling to a sense of duty, and there is no change in the fact that I am staying alive.
If I view life as a leisure activity, then desire is just a good way to kill time, I vaguely think.
I suppose, all in all, my capacity is still quite small.
Does the heart not stabilize if the place is not stable?
Well, I think it's more about what you do and your identity rather than the place.

My recent goal is to act with composure.
It is difficult, but it is an attitude of keeping the heart calm and spending daily life with a relaxed posture.
Perhaps because I am usually in a place like Cambodia, I couldn't notice it while working through tasks one by one, but the daily life of bustling to solve problems is indeed fresh. There is a lot of information.
And yet, when I return to Japan, I think about what I gained during my time abroad and prepare for the next trip.
I feel like I am developing a good cycle of thinking.

I have been moving forward. Or rather, I have been struggling to move forward.
But I realized that resting is also important.
How to live is also difficult.
Many actions brought about by extrinsic motivation are also unstable.
What is the cause of not moving?
Looking for tasks.
Is it the environment? The invisible future? Interest?
There is no time to be dawdling.
A year passes in the blink of an eye.
Before taking a leave of absence, I should have had some things decided, but once I started the break, I became unsure.
What do I want to achieve, and what is the worldview I want to realize?
Even if I find it, it seems necessary to keep asking.

I can feel my heart gradually wearing down.
Starting to feel uneasy about even small things, giving up because that's just how it is, or jumping to conclusions.

As the words that still pierce my chest suggest, I might just be seeking the word 'amazing'.
If things go on like this, it won't change whether I live in Cambodia, Japan, or anywhere else.
What is human value measured by?
Surely it is not about where or how many years you lived, but what you accomplished.
Thinking about that, I haven't really created anything yet.
It might be too early, but I cannot suppress my impatience.

But I realized that even if I am impatient, there is nothing I can do.
The cause of the impatience is that I haven't organized my current situation well.
Not being able to put my current location into words.
Not knowing well what is needed right now.
'Not knowing' creates 'fear' and breeds impatience.
During this period, I will start by organizing the current situation, then organize how to face my dreams, what is necessary, what to work on now, and what will be needed in the future, to create a foundation that is easy to act upon.

'You will surely remain unhappy.'
I have been told that by someone I met for the first time. I couldn't help but laugh. 'Hey, this is our first meeting, you know?'
But somehow, I also felt that those words hit the mark.
A perfectionist, unsatisfied personality.
I am probably the type who always misses the 'happiness that is here right now'.
But I also feel that because I am not satisfied with the status quo, I am moving without stopping.

Why am I, such a person, currently active with 'expression' as my axis?
Why am I doing art workshops abroad?
Why do I want to be in a field where I keep creating works?
Why do I keep interacting with people?
I want to unravel the background to that little by little during this period.