When I Took a Leave of Absence in My First Year as a Nurse

I was hired at my first-choice general hospital, and I was assigned to the department I had requested.
I put on the nurse's uniform I had always admired, and on my first day of work, I was filled with excitement and motivation to do my best.
I shadowed senior nurses, learning little by little about patient care, charting, and various diseases every day.
Even after returning home, I would repeatedly visualize my tasks, review my notes, and study diseases.
However, I began to feel a gap between the clinical environment I saw during my training and the reality of working there.
Before I was assigned to this department, I had actually done my clinical training there.
I wish I could tell my past self, who thought, 'I can do it here,' back then.
Going there for training and working there as a professional are completely different things.
It might even be easier to think of them as completely separate from the start.

The physical changes that gradually appeared...
A few months after being assigned, I started experiencing symptoms like abdominal pain and diarrhea almost every time I arrived at the hospital.
My sleep became shallow at night, and I couldn't get a good night's rest.
I lost my appetite and gradually began to lose weight.

Around that time, a colleague in the same department suddenly took a leave of absence due to depression.
This colleague had never shown any signs of being troubled.
I was so preoccupied with my own struggles that I hadn't noticed the changes in my colleague who was right next to me.
If I had talked to them more, maybe we could have both kept going a little longer...
Maybe the outcome would have been different...
I felt even more depressed.

I should have reached out sooner...
In my department, each new nurse was assigned one senior nurse as a trainer and one senior nurse as a mentor for mental support.
I couldn't open up to either of them, and before I knew it, I had built a wall, feeling uncomfortable around them.
The trainer was a mother, and the mentor was unmarried and closer to my age.
When I was thinking about wanting to talk to my mentor about how I was feeling, I had the chance to work overtime with her.

I told her everything I was feeling.
She said to me,
Hospitals are everywhere, so you don't have to be fixated on this one.
Even if you quit here, there are plenty of other places to work.
You should work somewhere where you can be yourself.
After hearing those words, I felt a huge weight lifted off my heart.

My department was more on the acute care side, and every day was hectic.
It became an opportunity for me to rethink whether a more relaxed environment would suit me better, or which department would be a better fit.

After that, I spent a few more months doing my daily tasks, not wanting to run away yet, but then a family member of a patient I often chatted with said to me,
Are you okay? You're actually struggling, aren't you? Don't push yourself too hard; if you try too hard, you'll end up getting sick yourself.
they said.

I felt depressed, realizing that I was working in a state where even a patient's family member was worried about me.
I felt sad, thinking I was a nurse who couldn't even manage her own health.
I spoke with my mentor, my trainer, and the head nurse, and decided to take a leave of absence.

During my leave, I thought many times about whether I could return and work in the same place.
The commute was an hour each way, and every day was so hectic that my breaks didn't even feel like breaks.
I thought that maybe things would go better if I chose to work in a way that reduced my own burden, so I said goodbye to the hospital and the department I had wanted so much to be in.
I will look for a place where I can work at my own pace and be myself.
And above all, I will make sure to prioritize my own health.
Even years later, I can proudly say that this choice was the right one.
Running away is not something to be ashamed of.
Protecting yourself is the most important thing.