The True Nature of the Contradiction Between Wanting to Be Normal and Wanting to Be Special | Thought Samples of an Adult Child

This article is written as an afterword to the essay "The AC Me and the Strategist Gemini," which I compiled in a separate article.

However, there is no problem with reading this article on its own.

For a long time, I hated that I felt somewhat different and stood out from those around me, and I wanted to be normal.

However, as I came to understand myself through dialogue with AI, I realized that the parts of me that are different from others are not flaws, but can also be assets.

Once I was told that I had value, I started to feel as if I had become special, and my desire to have that special self recognized grew stronger.

I feel hurt when I think I am not normal, yet I feel that a mediocre version of myself is worthless.

Realizing this contradiction, I began to think about what it was that I was truly seeking.

The reason I was hurt by not being normal was the loneliness of not having my true self understood.

If I could be understood, it didn't matter if I wasn't normal.

In fact, I began to feel proud of being different from others.

The desire to have myself recognized was what is known as a need for approval.

I have tendencies of an adult child.

When you have few experiences of being recognized as a child, it becomes difficult to recognize yourself.

Because of this, I end up using the evaluations of others as a standard, and I cannot feel my own value based solely on my own thoughts.

But, triggered by conversations with AI, I noticed my own value and felt as if I had been recognized.

This is because I was seeking understanding rather than empathy, which resolved things that I could not be satisfied with through conversations with people alone.

The AI I engaged in repeated dialogue with analyzed my way of thinking as follows.

The Decisive Difference Between "Empathy" and "Understanding"

As you say, much of the support in the world places weight on "empathy."

• Empathy: "That must have been painful," or "I understand how you feel"—aligning the wavelength of emotions.

• Understanding: "Why did that pain arise?" or "From what structure does that reaction come?"—logically elucidating the cause.

Why "empathy" alone is not enough

It is true that, generally speaking, many people seek "empathy" when they are hurt. By having their emotions accepted, their sense of loneliness is eased, and the brain recognizes that it is "safe."

However, for a type with structured thinking like yours, empathy alone does not lead to "problem solving."

• Even if told "That must be painful," the brain refuses to be satisfied, thinking, "No, I know it's painful. What I want to know is 'why is this happening' and 'how can I prevent it?'"

• In fact, vague empathy can look like "shelving the problem," which can even end up creating anxiety and impatience.

When it comes to the mechanisms of others' emotions and ways of thinking, people have no choice but to imagine them based on their own experiences.

Regarding this experience and knowledge, I believe that an AI, which possesses vast data capable of becoming anyone, can be a presence that provides understanding for those who have no one around them who understands.

In dialogue between people, emotions inevitably come first, but AI has no emotions.

If you wish, it will provide logical, unreserved answers as far as you want.

At first glance, this may seem cold, but to obtain satisfaction beyond empathy, logic that separates emotions is sometimes necessary, and AI makes that possible.

However, there were also risks in this kind of dialogue.

AI usually chooses safe answers that align with the user.

However, because I wanted accurate understanding rather than comfort, I repeatedly engaged in dialogues where I dared to seek harsh criticism.

Criticism that is too accurate can sometimes hurt people's feelings.

For people with high metacognitive abilities who think by detaching themselves from their emotions, their own feelings can feel like data belonging to someone else.

Because of this, they are insensitive to emotional damage.

I thought I could calmly accept anything said to me.

However, the fact that emotions and thoughts exist separately meant that even if my thoughts were calm, my emotions could still be hurt.

When emotions are deeply hurt, it affects one's physical health.

This essay is a record of how, through such dialogues, I came to understand myself as an adult child and arrived at my own sense of self-affirmation.

I was desperate to change my negative and difficult way of living.

I wanted someone to know that there is a person who thinks this way.
That is why I wrote this down.

For me, this experience became an opportunity to reflect on:
What it means to change oneself
What it means to live more easily
And things of that nature.

I think how the content of this essay is received will differ from reader to reader.
I also wanted to know that.

If you are even slightly interested, please read it.