How I Went from Being Angry About 'The Lid Being Open Again' to Apologizing to My Wife
Introduction
"Hey, it's open again."
When I took the barley tea bottle out of the fridge, sure enough, the lid was half-open. That's the third time this week.
My wife laughs and says, "Sorry!" but what if it spills? Honestly, I was frustrated.
But now, I know the reason why.
I am a 34-year-old office worker, and it was the spring of our third year of marriage when I had to face my wife's "adult ADHD."
At first, I dismissed it as her being 'ditzy'
Even when we were dating, my wife was a little different.
"Instruction manual? I don't read those, they don't make sense," she'd say, and start using new appliances however she liked. Naturally, she wasn't using even half of their functions.
I thought it was "cute" only at the beginning.
After we got married, the gaps in our daily life started to stand out.
∙ The bottle lid is half-open every time (Why can't she close it properly?)
∙ She can't plan ahead (If I ask, "Are you free tomorrow?" she says, "I don't know")
∙ Her reporting and communication are disastrous (She tells me the morning of the day my mother-in-law is coming)
∙ She doesn't read instruction manuals at all (Because even if I read them, they don't make sense)
When I tell her to "get it together," she always apologizes, saying, "I'm sorry." But the next day, the same thing happens again.
Honestly, I'm tired. And I started to think, "This can't go on."
The turning point was a comment from my wife's friend
One day, my wife's friend came over to visit. While talking to my wife, the friend said this:
"Hey, by any chance... have you heard of adult ADHD?"
Both my wife and I were confused. ADHD? Isn't that something kids have?
The things the friend explained fit my wife so perfectly that I got goosebumps.
∙ She can't remember multiple steps (That's why she can't read manuals)
∙ She doesn't pay attention to detailed tasks (That's why the lid doesn't get closed)
∙ She has a weak sense of time (That's why she can't make plans)
∙ She can't prioritize (That's why she can't communicate properly)
"Maybe you should see a specialist once."
That comment led my wife to decide to go to the hospital.
After the diagnosis, everything changed
The diagnosis was "ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder)."
When she explained it to me after hearing it from the doctor, my wife was crying.
"I always thought I was a 'bad wife'..."
My heart ached too. I felt ashamed that I had been blaming her.
This wasn't a "personality flaw," it was a "brain trait."
The doctor said, "People with ADHD sometimes can't do things even if they try. But with some adjustments, life can become much easier."
From that day on, our battle as a couple began. Or rather, should I say, our "collaborative work" began.
The '5 adjustments' we found as a couple
After the diagnosis, my wife and I discussed and redesigned our life.
1. The bottle problem -> Honestly, I'm giving up on this! lol
I decided to assume it would be open, and if it was, I'd just think, "I knew it."
2. The manual problem -> The "watch videos together" strategy
For my wife, who struggles with following text, we decided to watch YouTube how-to videos together. She can understand visuals, and it's a good review for me too. Now, "video time when we buy a new appliance" is a regular couple activity.
3. The schedule problem -> "I put everything into a shared calendar"
Expecting my wife to "remember the schedule" is a lost cause. I put everything into Google Calendar and send a reminder notification on the morning of the day.
4. The reporting problem -> The "bullet points on LINE" rule
I have her send me super short bullet points like "Mother-in-law coming," "5 PM," "No dinner needed." Apparently, she can read long sentences but can't write them.
5. Don't seek perfection
This is the most important one. There are things my wife "cannot do." It's no use blaming her for that. We look for what we can do together.
What I want to convey now
If your partner keeps doing things that make you think, "Why can't you do something so simple?", it might not be that they **"lack motivation."**
Adult ADHD is often something the person themselves doesn't even realize.
My wife says she "feels relieved" now that she has a diagnosis. I also stopped blaming her, and our relationship as a couple has become much better.
The bottle lid is still open sometimes (lol), but I don't get angry anymore.
"Oh, it's open again." "Sorry!" "It's okay, it's okay."
Those exchanges are precious to me now.
If there are other couples struggling in the same way, there is no such thing as a "bad wife" or a "bad husband." There are just brain traits.
By knowing, many things can change.
If you work on adjustments together, things surprisingly go well.
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