An Outing Promised to End in 10 Minutes
"I'm going to buy some carbonated water," my husband says.
My eldest daughter fell ill just as Golden Week began, and only my youngest is full of energy. The temperature inside the house feels slightly distorted.
I wanted to go outside. There was no particular reason. If I had to say, I just wanted to change the air.
"I'll go buy the carbonated water," I say, raising my hand. It was meant to be just a light suggestion.
Then my husband asks, "Do you want to go outside?"
He follows up by asking, "Will it take more than 10 minutes?"
What would happen if it took more than 10 minutes?
When a line is drawn with time, everything outside of it suddenly becomes "forbidden." The way he says it makes it sound like whether or not I'm allowed to go depends on a difference of just a few minutes. Even though I'm saying I "want to go outside," that statement doesn't seem to be processed as a "requirement."
It's not like I want to go on a long trip.
I just want to step out of the house, walk alone, and come back without thinking about anything. 10 minutes is fine, 15 minutes is fine. It's not a matter of numbers.
Couldn't you give me a little time to myself?
I think that, but putting it into words feels like it would lead to a troublesome conversation, so I end up swallowing it. In a household, even a small wish requires an explanation. Big errands get approved, but small desires get caught up. It's rational, but it doesn't feel very good.
In the end, I went to the convenience store, bought the carbonated water, and returned within 10 minutes.
I feel like I was unconsciously rushing, as if I were being timed.
The moment I open the door, I return to the air of the house, which hasn't changed at all.
I'm not sure if there was any point in going outside. But the fact that I wanted to go outside remains.
Perhaps I didn't want the carbonated water.
I just went out of my way to find a reason for an outing that would end in 10 minutes.
And I think my husband had no ill intent; he just wanted to confirm if I would be back in 10 minutes.
It's just that, within a household, that "lack of ill intent" can sometimes feel suffocating.