The Third Trial: Self-Introduction
I have had a clear life goal since I was in middle school.
It was: 'Graduate from a four-year university and work in social welfare. Get married at 27 or 28 to someone I have been with for over three years. I would be grateful if I could have two children.'
That was it.
It was a surprisingly realistic and serious dream that lacked any charm.
However, life rarely goes exactly as planned.
I experienced my first major setback in life at the age of 15.
I failed to get into my first-choice high school.
I cried, regardless.
I was frustrated.
I wanted to join the drama club at my first-choice high school.
The drama club there was so talented that they had reached the national tournament, and I had studied hard to get into that school after seeing the seniors perform.
But I failed.
My life plan was ruined.
It was ruined, but my competitive spirit was burning bright. Damn it. I wouldn't let it end like this, so I managed to get into my first-choice university through a recommendation.
It was a difficult school. I really, really stretched myself.
But I got in.
I regained my confidence, feeling that I had put my failure in the high school entrance exam to good use here.
Now, after studying clinical psychology thoroughly at university and graduating, the next step was finally 'employment.'
After being completely crushed in an interview at a certain welfare facility,
I decided to re-enroll in a vocational school out of frustration.
That is what life is like.
In the spring when my friends were getting jobs one after another and starting their lives as new members of society, I was starting as a student.
And so, in the spring of my 24th year, I finally started working at a welfare facility for people with disabilities.
At that time, I had a boyfriend I was promised to marry, and despite unexpected events like failing my high school entrance exam and re-enrolling in vocational school, I was living the life I had envisioned in middle school.
Up to this point, I had been on that path.
However, life still doesn't go that smoothly.
When I was 26 and counting down to marriage, I was dumped by the boyfriend I had been with for over three years and was engaged to.
It was truly a bolt from the blue.
My future collapsed spectacularly with a loud crash.
I was forced to rewrite the future I had been envisioning for over ten years.
A few years have passed since then.
Following the high school entrance exam failure in my teens and the broken engagement in my twenties, this year I faced a crisis in my thirties.
It wasn't COVID. It was resignation.
After the broken engagement, I walked a path that didn't lead to marriage while repeating various encounters and partings.
With my life plan in ruins, I had relationships without worrying about age or the length of time we were together, but nothing felt right, and the less well things went in my love life, the more I buried myself in my work.
Perhaps my love life wasn't going well partly because I was so buried in my work.
My work at my first-choice facility was fun.
It was rewarding. There were many difficult things, but the sense of fulfillment outweighed them, and the users were lovely.
With the support of my colleagues and the guardians, until I collapsed and couldn't move, or until the facility could no longer operate,
I had absolutely no intention of quitting.
But, life still doesn't go that smoothly.
No matter how much I wanted to work, there were things I couldn't do anything about, and I ended up having to leave my current workplace.
It was a painful decision.
I loved my job.
I loved myself when I was working.
I thought that even if my love life didn't go well, I had my job, so I collapsed again.
My future had changed.
This must be a trial that I, in my 30s, have to face.
A major trial that occurs once every ten years.
The sadness and loneliness I feel now will likely become fuel for the path ahead.
After all, that is how I have lived through my teens and twenties.
From around February of this year, news about the coronavirus was covered daily in Japan, and from March, major restrictions were placed on daily life.
The impact of the coronavirus is significant not only in Japan but all over the world, and there is no prospect of it coming to an end.
These are days that seem to be asking us how we can live better and how we can face this era.
Frustration and anger are swirling around this situation.
There are so many people overflowing with pain and suffering because of the coronavirus.
People who cannot go to school or work due to self-restraint, or whose lives are not going as planned, might hate the virus.
They are probably thinking, 'If only the coronavirus didn't exist.'
However, while my daily life is restricted and inconvenient, it does not outweigh the loneliness and sense of loss from unexpectedly losing my job.
Regardless of the coronavirus, I have lost something precious.
I have no choice but to look for the next path.
And surely, there is a certain number of people who feel the same way.
There is nothing that can be taken for granted, and we are blessed every day.
Perhaps there is something we cannot do right now.
But there is something we are able to do.
That is why we are able to live and get by like this.
It is inconvenient. There are restrictions. That is extremely uncomfortable and painful.
However, even if it is not covered in the news, everyone is living their lives to the fullest, carrying some kind of inequality or unreasonableness.
What can I do for myself right now?
And how much of that can I put into action?
I want to live carefully so that today's self is brighter than yesterday's, and tomorrow's self is brighter than today's.
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I started note because I found a contest exclusive to note called the Kinari Cup on Twitter.
The application period was one month, and since I could only submit one entry, I originally intended to write just one piece and submit it.
However, I am a beginner at note and don't know how things work.
And I have plenty of time.
Since I'm at it... I thought I would write one piece a day during the one-month application period and submit my favorite one to the Kinari Cup.
That was the trigger for me to start updating note every day.
It has now become a complete daily routine.
More than two months have passed since I started note.
Since the theme of the Kinari Cup was essays, I simply thought I would write an essay.
I have been using the name Tomoka Masaki as my online activity name since high school, and I had decided on themes to write about for each SNS, blog, and website.
When I thought about what I hadn't written about yet, I realized it was stories from my past, and I decided to use note as a record of those.
Now that I have lost both love and my job, I simply thought about returning to my starting point.
What did I gain from my "first experiences"?
What did I lose, and what do I feel now?
What am I seeking right now?
And what do I want to do from here on?
I thought that by writing about such things, the next path would open up for me.
I am currently job hunting.
Until I find a job or get married,
I intend to write with the goal of
publishing one piece every day.
2020.7.29 (Wed) Added
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I was updating daily, but due to various circumstances, I have made some articles private, including those related to work or containing inappropriate expressions.
2021.3.15 (Mon) Added
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I have decided to take a break from daily updates.
From now on, I would like to update irregularly.
I will probably log in every day, but I think replies to comments will be delayed.
2021.3.21 (Sun) Added
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Report
2021.4.17 (Sat) Added