The Story of Drinking the Whitest Beverage of My Life: The Barium Test

【My Encounter with Barium】

The stomach barium test.
I doubt anyone likes it.

“It's tough,” “It tastes bad,” “The aftermath is hell.”
Those are the only kinds of stories I ever hear about it.

——Well, I guess it doesn't concern me yet.

When I opened the company health checkup envelope thinking that, and saw it written,
《Notice of Barium Test》
I literally looked at it three times.

I'm around thirty.
It seems the day I drink the whitest beverage of my life
has come sooner than I thought.

I immediately checked with my supervisor. Reporting, communicating, and consulting are important, after all.

And the reply was,

“Is there a star mark next to the barium test?
If there is, you're eligible!”

It was there, clear as day, that ominous star mark.

Well, if there's no extra charge, I guess it's fine.
It's a path I'll have to cross eventually anyway.
And so, I made the decision to take the barium test.

・Heading to the hospital while being swayed by information

Ever since then, I've been gathering information like crazy.

I asked around online, my family, and acquaintances,
trying to prepare myself in the best possible state.

That's when I found a terrifying description.

“If you don't flush out the barium with laxatives after drinking it, your intestines will get blocked and it'll be a disaster!”

Why??
Why would they do something so dangerous??
(Why do fireflies die so quickly???)

I must get the barium out of my body as soon as possible...
I firmly resolve to do so.
I don't know if you can just resolve to make it happen,
but I firmly resolve it.

However, there is one problem here.
The hospital where I'm taking the test is actually a two-hour train ride away.
Will my stomach be able to hold out...???
A jet stream attack of anxiety, anxiety, and more anxiety.

Without finding an answer, before I knew it, the day of the test arrived.
I caught the 7:00 AM train and headed to the hospital.

【My Encounter with Barium】

There was a sink in front of the barium test room, and the flow was for people who finished the test to gargle there.
It was a place that could only be used by those who had overcome the great wall known as barium.

Several people came out of the test room before I was called, and every single one of them looked battered and exhausted.

There was even an older man panting for breath, and I whispered “good work” to him in my heart.

And finally, it was my turn.

When I went inside, I was handed a paper cup and something like powder? Or maybe ramune?

“Please drink the powder along with this liquid.”

That's what the lady told me.
There was about a third of a cup of a whitish liquid.
When I timidly put the powder in my mouth first,

SOOOOOOOOO SOUR!!!!!!!!
It's way too sour!!!!!!!

I hurriedly drank the liquid in the cup.
It had a thick, yogurt-like consistency, followed by a chemical aftertaste...

Personally, it was a taste I didn't really care for.
It's a flavor that's hard to describe.

But more than that,
the sourness was winning so overwhelmingly in my mouth
that the urge to drink something else took precedence.

・Vitruvian Man

To digress a little,
I imagine many people have seen this image.
This is the famous "Vitruvian Man" by Leonardo da Vinci.

Perhaps this is the top search term for this image.

《Barium Test》

Before I took the test, when I was looking for the opinions of those who had gone before me,
I saw many images of the Vitruvian Man.

Everyone says the same thing in unison:
“The barium test was like the Vitruvian Man.”
And

I, too, happily joined their ranks after I had my barium test.

If someone asked me what the test was like,
I would show them this image first.

・Getting my left and right mixed up at my age

——Let's get back to the story.
I was just trying to hold back a burp.

“Please try not to burp, okay?”

Five seconds after the lady told me that, I let out a huge one.
When you're told not to do something, you want to do it.
That is what it means to be human, miss.

“Okay! Now the table is going to move~~
I'm going to give you instructions, so please move exactly as I say!
First, right, then left.
Next, turn a little to the left and lift your shoulder~~”

Without even having time to feel embarrassed about the burp,
a barrage of instructions came flying from the lady.

My head was already in a panic.
While enduring the urge to burp, I just kept moving my body
exactly as I was told.

I thought vaguely that I must look incredibly ridiculous
to anyone watching.

After rolling around for a while, the table returned to its original position.
Oh, is it over...!?
As I lifted my head, the nurse approached me.
She was holding a paper cup in her hand.
D-don't tell me...

“I’m sorry, could you drink this one more time?”

As expected, it was a barium refill.

Of course it is!
I burped earlier, didn't I!
I'll drink it! I'll drink it already!!

I was already half-resigned.

“Also, if the effervescent agent remains in your mouth, it will explode, so please make sure to drink it all down.”

When the nurse said that, I finally realized.

—The identity of that overly sour substance was the effervescent agent.
Effervescent agent, effervescent agent. The overly sour effervescent agent.
I carved that name deeply into my mind. I will never forget it.

…Hmm?
Didn't the nurse just say something alarming?
※I looked it up later, and apparently it doesn't actually explode. Obviously.

And so, the second Vitruvian Man pose began.

“Your head is going down now.
Please grip the bar firmly with your left hand and turn to the right.”

At the same time as that instruction, the head side went down with a jolt.
Wait, it moves up and down, not just left and right?

My body descending.
The sensation of heavy liquid swirling around in my stomach.
The burp that felt like it would come out the moment I opened my mouth.
The nurse's instruction...

“Ah, that’s not the right way, please turn to the right (laughs).”

I was so desperate that
I couldn't tell my right from my left
and ended up being laughed at by the nurse. Hahaha.

・Barium front, withdrawing.

“Thank you for your hard work.
Please drink plenty of water for now.
Also, please eat your lunch early.”

“Y-yes.”

While gulping down water at the sink in front of the examination room,
I gave my reply.

I really understand how the breathless guy feels now.
I get it, I get it, I understand your feelings. (by Teppei Koike)

The sourness of the effervescent agent still remained in my mouth.

To put it simply,
it tastes like citric acid made extremely sour,
and it feels very similar to the sensation of chugging a cola.

While desperately trying to hold that in,
I roll around and around like I'm doing a comedy bit.

When I looked it up later,
it turns out effervescent agents are actually used in carbonated drinks.
That was a great learning experience.

【Parting with Barium】

When leaving, at the counter, I received a laxative and
a lunch service coupon for a restaurant near the hospital.

My stomach is too upset to even think about food!

I thought that while gratefully accepting it.

As mentioned earlier, it takes two hours one way from the hospital to my home.
Therefore, I decided to take the laxative only after arriving home.

About an hour later,
I happened to have a train transfer, so I decided to go to the restroom.

…………………………
Is the barium already coming out!!??

I suppose there are individual differences,
but in my case, the barium started coming out before I even took the laxative.
I felt strangely happy about that.
Hehe, my body is doing a good job.

Holding onto both happiness and anxiety, I somehow managed to get home safely.
Then, I took the laxative slowly.

After that, I didn't experience any of the misery I had read about online.

・A day I felt like I had grown up a little.

And so, I was able to finish the barium test without any issues.

I had heard that "the real challenge of the barium test starts after it's over,"
so I was relieved on that front.

I guess the hardest part was doing the Vitruvian pose
while trying to hold back my burps...

At the same time, I thought modern medicine and my own body were amazing. (A simple observation)
I don't have enough knowledge to say anything other than that it's amazing...

After all that, I feel like the barium test has become a bit of a life status for me.

[Conclusion]

In this world,
there are those who have had a barium test
and those who have not.

And I am one of those who have had a barium test.
I have become one of the people who has drunk the whitest beverage in their life.

……By the way,
the story of me fainting during a blood draw is for another time.