The Night My Heart, Which Thought 'I Shouldn't Be Happy,' Quietly Began to Seek Happiness | Episode 6 | The Instinct to Want to Be Happy

1: I always thought, 'My turn for happiness will never come'

I'll be honest with you.
I always thought this deep down in my heart.

'Isn't happiness something only special people can have?'

I acted tough on the outside, but deep down, that's what I always thought.

Since I was young, I would brace myself, thinking, 'If good things continue, something bad will happen later,' and
the days when someone was kind to me were the days I felt the most anxious.

That feeling had been ingrained in my body for a long time.

Somewhere in my heart,'Happiness belongs to someone other than me'is what I thought.
I thought I was suited for just enduring, putting up with things, and living silently.
I had convinced myself of that, too.

But this, surely, isn't just me.

If you are reading this text right now, deep in your own heart,
'I want to be happy, but... it's scary'
isn't there a small tremor like that?

I understand that feeling painfully well.

2: The reason I thought 'I shouldn't be happy'

Why was I so terrified of'happiness'?
Now, I understand the reason clearly.

It's because...

I had lost too many things in the past.

I had more memories of being left behind than of being loved,
and more days of enduring than days of working hard.

Even when I opened my heart to someone, I would be betrayed in the end,
and it was just one event after another that made me think, 'Why only me?'

So, from a certain day on, I naturally started to think like this.

I think this was a
“rule for survival” that I learned as a child.

When I was in middle school, I was subjected to violence from a relative at home, broke my arm, and felt a strange sensation as if my heart had stopped.

At that time, deep in my heart, I learned that “happiness is dangerous.”

Even after becoming an adult, that feeling never went away, and even when someone was kind to me, I would arbitrarily draw a line, thinking, 'I am not the kind of person who deserves to be treated like that.'

Even though I truly wanted to be happy, my heart went into
“protection mode,” and I kept the brakes on the whole time.

Don't you, who are reading this, have a similar feeling?

When someone smiles at you, even though you should be happy, you feel scared somewhere deep down.

When you wish for happiness, it feels like you're being selfish.

I, too, kept a lid on my heart like that for a long time.

3: The true nature of the heart that fears happiness was an “instinct to protect oneself.”

One day, I suddenly realized something.

'Why am I so afraid of being happy?' 'Why do I reject it before I even receive it?'

I had been blaming myself for a long time, but the truth was different.

I wasn't avoiding happiness because I was weak or twisted...

I just “didn't want to get hurt anymore.”

Because I had endured so much, held back so much, and sacrificed myself for so long, my heart had automatically turned on a

“defense switch.”

When I saw a happy future, I would get scared, thinking, 'If I go that far, I might fall again...'

When I was treated with kindness, I would feel anxious, wondering, 'When will this kindness end?'

This was all just
“an instinct to try and protect my own heart.”

Until I realized that, I genuinely believed that I was a person who couldn't receive happiness.

But, in reality, it was the opposite.

It was just that my heart had become cautious because it had been hurt for so long.
It might just mean that I had been living so desperately to protect myself.

The moment I thought that,
the feeling of blaming myself faded away.

I'm sure you, too,
have had the experience of being afraid of happiness.

That is not a flaw.
It is not a weakness either.

It is "proof that you have properly protected yourself."that is.

Just knowing that fact,
my heart felt incredibly light.

4: The future if I had kept thinking 'I don't need happiness'

If I had stayed that way,

and kept thinking that.
Looking back now, that future... is quite scary.

I probably would have
lived as if I were hiding forever.

While keeping myself outside of happiness,
enduring things for the sake of others,
and wearing my heart down.

Even if someone was kind to me,
I would reject it, thinking 'Not for someone like me,'
and I think I would have let go of what I truly wanted myself.

In work, and in life,
even if an important opportunity came before my eyes,
I feel like I would have given up, saying 'I can't do it.'

And above all...

If I had lived while suppressing my true desire to be happy,
there was a future where my heart would have quietly withered away.

Even if I were smiling, my heart would be empty.
Even if I were with someone, I would be lonely somewhere.
I would want to feel joy, but I would forget how to feel it.

That kind of future was right there.

If you, too, are currently
wanting to seek happiness but are afraid of it somewhere...

It is not “the entrance to a bad future,” but rather a sign that says,
“It’s okay to stop and re-evaluate here.”

If I hadn't noticed this sign back then,
I surely would have gone to a place from which I couldn't return.

That is why the very fact that you are reading this article now
means you are already heading toward “a different future.”

5: The fork in the road between
“a future where you didn't know this note” and “a future where you did.”

At one point, I suddenly thought to myself.

“What if I hadn't encountered this realization back then…?”

Thinking about that sent a chill down my spine.

■ “A future where you didn't know this note”

I surely would have
treated myself as a supporting character forever.

Even if someone was kind to me,
I would have reflexively pulled away, thinking, “Someone like me…,”
and always missed out on what I truly wanted.

In both work and life,
“the courage to take a step forward” would have been outweighed by
“the desire not to fail.”

Even if something happy happened,
I wouldn't have been able to rejoice from the bottom of my heart,

I surely wouldn't have been able to break the habit
of being so pessimistic about the future.

And above all—

my ability to feel happiness would have gradually dulled.

■ “A future where you knew this note”

On the other hand,
if I had encountered this way of thinking even a little sooner back then…

I think I would have been able to forgive myself
much sooner than I did now.

I would have been able to rely on others more easily,
and would have been able to say “I want to be happy” naturally.

And little by little,

“The habit of rejecting happiness” → “The practice of receiving happiness”

must have started to change.

I might have been able to be kinder to people suffering like me sooner.

So, the fact that you are reading this text right now means,
you are already standing on the side of a 'known future'.

Your future is not moving toward
“I can't be happy”but rather toward
“a future where you change into someone who is allowed to receive happiness.”

The very fact that you are standing at this turning point,
is truly amazing.

6: The moment you quietly whispered
“I want to be happy” deep in your heart

I had actually just been pretending not to notice all along,
but deep in my chest,“a certain feeling”had always remained.

I realized that during
a very quiet moment one night.

My family was already asleep,
the room lights were off,
and I was in a room where only the smartphone screen was glowing dimly.

That day, just like always,
as I whispered “I’m so tired…” to myself,
I was looking up at the ceiling.

Somewhere in my heart,
I heard a very small voice.

A voice that was just a whisper.

“Deep down… you want to be happy, don't you?”

At first, I was surprised.
Because I had always been convinced that“I don't need happiness.”

But right after the surprise, I thought,

Ah… this voice has been here all along.
I was just the one ignoring it.

Even though it seemed like it would be erased by so many things,
that voice alone never faded.

That night, I took a slow breath and
said this in my heart.

“...That's right. Truth be told, I do want to be happy.”

It wasn't that I shed tears or had a dramatic change,
it was just a truly quiet, gradual warmth in my chest.

But that “change in temperature” was
a big step for me.

Moreover, it was the moment my heart moved forward just a little.

If, right now,
there is a similar small voice
deep in your chest...

That is surely
your“instinct” that survived without fading away.

The instinct to want to be happy.

It's okay if it's faint.
It's okay if you can't hear it clearly.

That small voice
will properly lead you
forward from here on.

7: A small step to live
together with your “instinct to want to be happy”

From the moment that small voice deep in my heart said,
“You want to be happy, don't you?”
that day,

I slowly began to change the way I live.

It wasn't like in a drama where my life changed suddenly.
It didn't become bright all at once either.

It really started“from a small step.”

■ That first step was...

Deciding in a small way,
“Today, I will do at least this much for myself.”

For example...

Really, just this.

But strangely, those small steps
gradually created space in my heart.

■ The second step is...

To make the words you use to blame yourself just one degree kinder.

With just that,
the brakes on my heart loosened just a little.

■ The third step is...

Not to deny the moments when you feel happy.

Just doing that
becomes 'practice in receiving happiness.'

This is what I want to say.

Happiness isn't something you chase; it's something you prepare yourself to receive.

Even in your heart right now,
there must be a tiny light shining.

As long as that light exists,
you can get closer to happiness from here on out, as much as you want.

That power,
is already within you.

🌙 Conclusion

The instinct to want to be happy — Until the heart that thought 'Someone like me...' reclaims its turn

For a long time,
I lived thinking that 'happiness belongs to special people.'

But in fact,
a small voice had remained deep in my heart all along.

'I want to be happy'
a voice that was small, faint,
but certainly existed.

Even though that voice had been ignored for so long, it still never faded away.

Why?

The answer is simple...
it is because it isan 'instinct'.

And this time—
the instinct to want to be happy.

All of these are truly within you.

Even if you are weak,
even if you lack confidence,
even if you have been hurt in the past,

that instinct alone is the power that will always keep moving you forward.

From here on out,
it is okay to have days where you are afraid of happiness.
It is okay to have days where you stop because of anxiety.

Every time that happens, I want you to remember.

Within you,
the 'power to seek happiness'is truly alive.

Let's nurture that voice together from now on.

🌅 [Next Episode Preview | Episode 7]

The instinct to want peace of mind — Until the heart that thought 'I will live in constant anxiety forever' findsa 'place where it is safe to be at ease'

I always thought that
'peace of mind'was something I had no connection to.

I was betrayed the moment I felt at ease,
I was hurt the moment I let my guard down,
and the feeling that 'peace of mind = danger' had become ingrained in me.

That is precisely why,
somewhere in my heart, I always thought this:

'I want to feel at ease, but peace of mind is the scariest thing of all.'

In Episode 7,
I will unravel the true nature of those contradictory feelings based on my own experiences.

Why do we get used to being in a 'state of anxiety'?

The reason why feeling safe feels scary, as if it might break

The moment when the 'instinct to want to feel safe' is still working deep in your heart

The first step toward becoming a 'self that is allowed to feel safe'

I bring you a story that touches the
“instinct to want to feel safe” sleeping in your heart.

🕊 Thank you so much for reading slowly.

I would be happy if today's words became a
“sense of safety you can gently keep” somewhere in your heart.

To you who felt like you wanted to read more,
or wanted to rest your heart just a little bit more──.

I will gently leave a place that suits you.

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