I think people who are good at small talk aren't good at talking, they are "good at listening"

Is there someone at your workplace who you think is "good at small talk"?

The person who comes to my mind is a senior colleague from my previous job.
It's not that they are good at talking.
It's not that they have a lot of particularly interesting stories.

But after finishing a conversation with them, for some reason, I feel like "that was a good time." It was a mystery even to me.

After observing them for a while, I noticed something.
That person hardly ever talked about themselves.

A common misconception

"Good at small talk = someone with a wealth of topics"
Don't you have that image? Someone who has many interesting episodes and can tell stories that put people at ease.

I always thought so, which is why I was bad at small talk. I didn't have many drawers to pull from, and I couldn't get a laugh.
I thought "not being able to talk well" was the reason I was bad at small talk.

But maybe that was a little different.

The moment my perspective changed

When I listen closely to people who are good at small talk,
I feel like they naturally draw out "what the other person values".

For example,

"What do they value?"
"What do they think is right?"
"What are they looking for?"

When these three things become visible, the way you choose your words changes, even for the same work request.

Give discretion to those who value freedom, and clarity of procedure to those who value rules.

That kind of adjustmentbecomes possible naturally.

When I looked into it, there was also interesting data on Google's "re:Work".

1-on-1s that lead to resultshad something in common,
and it wasn't about getting excited, but rather "focusing on the other person," "using open-ended questions," and "listening actively."".

As expected,the attitude of listening well seems more important than the technique of talking well.

It is said that many people who feel they are bad at small talk are thinking too much about "what to say next."
Their focus on the other person has shifted to consciousness of themselves.

If that's the case, what I can do might be simple. Try stopping, just a little, from trying to talk well.

So, what should I do?

There is only one thing I am trying right now.
After the other person finishes answering, I don't immediately move on to the next topic.

I try waiting for just 5 seconds.

Strangely enough, the other person will sometimes add one more thing.

The 3 minutes before a meeting. The first 5 minutes of a 1-on-1. When having lunch together. Recently, I often use this question.

"What have you been spending the most time on lately?"

It doesn't have to be about work. It could be about family, hobbies, or even lack of sleep. From that one remark, you can sometimes see the other person's current "priorities" or "troubles."

You don't need to prepare clever questions.
Have curiosity about the other person, and wait a little without rushing for an answer.
I feel that just by doing that, small talk changes from a "place to talk" to a "place to learn."

In conclusion

People who are good at small talk might not be people who can tell interesting stories, but people who try to get to know the other person.

Doesn't that make you feel a little more at ease?

I am also starting by "waiting 5 seconds" first.

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